Asperger's is the plague of my life, I feel like scum.

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So this is my first post here. Apologies if it's not great.

But yeah.. Here's the outline of my question but it's more of an account of my condition and how it affects me

Basically I'm really struggling with my HFA/Asperger's. It's making my life hurt so frigging much. I beat myself up over stupid things, I get absorbed so deeply in something and overthink things so much that it makes me a nervous self destructive mess. It's making work and socialising with other people in college really difficult. I feel like I'm just a subhuman "chav scumbag" failure compared to everyone else on the planet. I'm practically my own internal insane Army Sergeant Major (blame my experience in Army Cadets and an abusive mind game playing stepdad for that one) and I hate every inch of myself. Does anyone else really despise themselves like this? I scream, shout and curse at myself when I mess things up, especially when I'm alone.

I end up screwing up at work (I'm a part time dish washer) and being slow as hell because I'm so absorbed in doing a good job and not breaking stuff but the waiters just get annoyed because they need stuff. Education is also a nightmare because I hated school and had a lot of issues there and didn't get amazing grades. Ended up doing 2 college courses with a load of immature d**kheads that put me off. Now I'm stuck on a HNC course in technical theatre which I had to settle for because the college no longer has a music department for recording thanks to b**tard budget cuts. Dying to go to university next year though, so I don't feel like a waste of oxygen who belongs on Jeremy Kyle's show. I'm 20 in June and I feel like I'm 2 years behind all the normies.

Pretty much: I feel like my life is going nowhere, I'm stuck in a rut and my Asperger's is crippling my mental wellbeing, social life, work and college.

Anyone able to help me out and shed some light? Share some stories too?

Thanks.

Northwest England---the Land of the Beatles, and of the Mersey Rivers.

Blackpool----a great amusement area.

Have you ever wanted to be an actor?

Well I definitely relate to a lot of what you are saying. Somehow I have a feeling it will be even worse for me 4 years from now. You're going through a real hard time transitioning into being an adult on top of all difficulties you have already. It has got to be really hard. And then you are hard on yourself as well. I'm told I'm too hard on myself too and call myself a stupid clumsy idiot and stuff like that all the time. I would say you probably are at least 2 years behind, I know I am that much and probably a lot more in some areas.

But it's not like you are a failure. Or that you're doing something wrong. You have an impairment, and you are trying your hardest to work through it or around it. I think the only thing either of us has going for us is perseverance. So hang in there. You are probably doing better than you realize. Jeremy Kyle's show tho, I had to laugh at that because I know what you mean. But realistically neither of us actually fit that mold, even tho it feels like it sometimes.

I feel much better being autistic now than I did when I was your age. Back then I'd try anything to fit in, to be normal, to blend right into society. I'm older now and I actually like being me. I just had to walk through Hell in gasoline drawers to find that out.

Yeah, I know how that feeling is, to a point.

Mostly it bugged me during school, which was an endless nightmare. Not really because of bullies, but because of.... everything else. I was able to get away with some things to make it a bit better (an absolute refusal to take part in actual sports during gym class caused them to decide to just give me other things to do, which usually involved brisk walks around some track somewhere.... I tell ya, I was thankful for THAT one) but mostly it was a bad experience and also just strange.

College wasnt much better. Terrible student, I was. Didnt get much of a damn thing out of it other than anger. And the depression of course. And then, of course, there was the job hunt.... uuuuuugh. I'm glad I dont deal with that anymore. It was miserable.

The whole "fitting in" bit, however, I never gave a damn about. I look at "normal" society and shudder, and think "Yeeeaaahhh.... I really dodged a bullet here". I'll have no part of it, thanks. The way I look at it, "normal" is really boring anyway. Too many people do that. Strange is far more interesting.

Bieng too slow from perfectionism has certainly been a lifelong problem for me. It is difficult but if the people whose name is on your check want speed over quality that is what you have to give them or find another employer which is difficult because most employers think people can be both speedy fast and error free.

Or maybee a columnist in a pop-magazine?

I felt the same way when I was your age except, change chav to hippie and I wasn't working at the time. I've accepted my AS/HFA as I got older. 19 is a very tough age for many of us.

Good suggestion I mean I did do a Level 3 course in Journalism..

Hello WraithsDossier,
I am touched by the picture you are painting of yor "Asperger" life.

Most of Aspergers learn to overcome the kind of self-destructive attitude you are describing when they become adults. I am confident that all Asperger can do it. It is a matter of driving the energy of their very active brain into constructive objectives / sport / intellectual activity which is part of their interests. In addition to that, in order to handle the remaining anxiety the "cognitive therapy" is working very good because it is based on analysis and logic, which is a strong point by Aspergers.


It is indeed difficult for Aspergers to be accepted and respected in groups because we are very often misunderstood.
I also think that Aspergers should not say they are Aspergers in groups, because the view of NT about what is really Asperger is sometimes not more than a vague Wraith.
Love yourself, love the others, and the others will love you too.


Such a level of anxiety and unjustified low self-esteem, combined with suffering constant rejection in groups can be a cause of work and school failure, even with very good intellectual abilities. And as i said above, it is possible to solve this anxiety and low self-esteem problem. Self confident Aspergers usually do very good at school and in professional life.


Thank you for sharing your "story".
I hope this helped.

Don't feel bad, being an Aspie is nothing to be ashamed of.

Yes, being an Asperger is only the brain which connected differently. It is not a "handicap". Someone who would tell this to an Asperger, would simply be someone who doesn't understand the syndrome. But it's nothing to be angry about. Indeed, it is necessary to have a good ability and will to put yourself in the shoes of others in order to understand someone who is different. Also, difference often entails fear. So this type of misunderstanding and negative reaction can unfortunately happen.

Last edited by LaetiBlabla on 16 Jan 2016, 8:33 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I really want to cure my Asperger's and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder forever.

I'm not sure if you realise this, but this was actually a really well written post. I used to be a school teacher, I've marked a lot of young people's written work. You are very good at expressing your feelings in writing and it shows that you are clearly intelligent and have the potential to shine in the future. (Try to steer clear of using slurs like "chav" though!) Do you like reading? I think one of the most important things when it comes to developing your mind and intellectual skills is to read a lot. It doesn't matter if you read slowly, persevere and you will get better! Be patient with yourself and with your perceived slowness and bare in mind that you do have a condition which makes things very difficult. The fact that you continue to survive and persevere with the challenges in your life is enough reason for people to respect you and your struggle.

I know what it can be like to feel too slow at completing tasks. I'm now a scientist and during my masters I had to do quite a lot of lab work. I completed some of the procedures quite slowly due to fear of making mistakes but I found ways around it. I worked in a supportive environment and I also found a flat near the lab I was working at so that I could work late or work in the weekends. You will experience a lot of different work environments and some will be agonisingly stressful (working in a secondary school for instance) and but you will find others where you feel more capable and comfortable with yourself.
Try to get into a university, it doesn't matter it if your grades prevent you from going anywhere that prestigious. I know two very bright and passionate people who went to expolytechnics because their grades weren't up to scratch. They ended up doing really well in their degrees. One of them went to a Russell Group university and became a neuroscientist (none of his teachers from secondary school would have believed it!) and the other went to study a masters in a subject she was deeply passionate about at a well known arts/humanities university (i won't reveal too much information).

Life has a way of surprising you, so please don't give up. Sometimes what we fear most (change!) can be a blessing. Have you tried calling the autism helpline (check the national autistic society helpline) or speaking to a GP about your stress? There are counsellors who specialise in autism. If you do go to university next year, do look into the university's services for disabled students, they can be very helpful and supportive.

I hope some of this helped!

I hate it when someone sees being an Aspie as being affected by some crippling disease.

A random NT: Oh, your Autistic, I'm so sorry.

Me: Uh, Autism isn't a bad thing.

It is better not to say you are Asperger, because you need to live it or be nearly a specialist to understand that it is only the brain connected differently, and what it entails.