Hey there! I've been looking through the WrongPlanet forums for a while and relate to a lot of the symptoms of Aspergers, especially the special interests and social impairments part. I'm a freshman in college (art history major) and currently live with six other girls in a dorm. This has magnified a lot of my social anxiety like tenfold and has gotten me to seek out a diagnosis, but am not sure how to do so or if I even have Aspergers to begin with. When I was young, my mom wanted to have me tested, but that never happened so I'm not sure. Sorry this is kind of long, but I'm just writing down whatever comes to mind that might give you an idea as to whether I have it or not.
I do have some nervous tics--like when I'm socially anxious, I'll often touch my hair at the back of my head. It's something that I didn't really notice until other people pointed out and I realized that other people don't do that as often as I do. Also I have a lot of panic attacks in which I'll start to hyperventilate and get a little dizzy for a few seconds when my surroundings get overwhelming--usually when there's a lot of noise (which I have no tolerance for) or someone's paying too much attention to me. That used to happen when I was a kid, too, in dark or claustrophobic places. It's just something I deal with. Eye contact is hard and something I prefer not to do, but I can fake it for a conversation if necessary. It just tends to make all the social tics worse, is all. Also my parents say that I have an awkward gait, but nobody else has brought it up so I don't know about that.
Relationships: yeah, those don't go well. I have literally no clue how to connect with people. This has happened since I was little but has changed over time. When I was young, I would have no respect for personal boundaries and drive people up the wall with talking. Like I would say super rude things without thinking about it and generally get up in people's faces. Now that I'm older, it's the exact opposite. People terrify me and when they're talking to me, I can't focus. Like I literally tremble and sometimes hyperventilate when talking to anyone but friends I've known for a really time or immediate family (meaning parents and siblings, not relatives in general). This has given me a really hard time in both making friends and job interviews and something that I should probably take steps to fix... but it's just so hard socializing. Right now I'm living with six other people in a dorm and they intimidate me to the point where I either hole myself in my room or (when roommate is here) I go out to find someplace quiet in the library. Usually it's not this bad, but it seems that the stress of being in college has driven me to new lows. It's not that I don't like people, but that I have no clue how to connect with them and often wish I was invisible. They don't seem to hate me, but they do seem perplexed by me and unsure how to connect.
I also don't have the best hygiene in the world. Like, I know how to take care of myself, but sometimes I forget to brush my hair or something. But I'm not gross. Just usually disheveled looking. Also I read about how people with Aspergers don't read expressions well and that's something I completely relate to. I'm terrible at reading facial expressions and while I don't intentionally hurt people's feelings, sometimes they have told me I'm not as attentive to social cues as they would like. Oh! And I get incredibly anxious in social places like stores, parks, etc. I used to love going to Barnes and Noble but am having trouble with that too because, again, I tend to have panic attacks in public. This is a new thing, maybe related to the stress of leaving home, but it seems to be worsening and is something I would like to alleviate through therapy or something.
As for special interests, I always have had one. When I was young, I was obsessed with Harry Potter (weren't we all, though?). Everything I thought about was Harry Potter. I'd read them for hours, pretend like I was the characters (I was nine!) and dream about it. It's changed from time to time:from Star Trek to writing to Alice in Wonderland (that was a weird period of my life). Right now and for the past few years, my obsession has been researching the life and history of Vincent van Gogh, which began when I read his biography in Junior year of high school and hasn't showed signs of changing. I've got four biographies, one biography of his brother, a book of letters, and several documentaries. This isn't necessarily a problem since I'm an art history major but it is a huge source of embarrassment since it is a pretty weird and something that I avoid talking about in social situations. If I felt positive that people wouldn't judge me for it, though, it would definitely be something I'd never stop talking about. It is what I spend about 90% of my time thinking about, though, so it's probably unhealthy. But I am very knowledgeable about post-impressionism in general because of it and, as I plan to be an art history professor, it's probably not the most damaging thing in the world. Even without the obsession, I think I would still major in art history because it's just a subject I like. It's one of the few things that makes me happy. Would that be considered an Aspergers obsession, though?
Change is really hard for me, especially as of late. As a college student, I feel like everything that made me feel safe is gone. As such, I'm kind of having a mental crisis at the moment and it's really hard for me to function. I'm thinking of seeing a counselor for depression and, if it's worth bringing up, I might ask if I fit the diagnosis for Aspergers. Would it even help if I was diagnosed, though? Like, would therapy be useful?
One thing that I'm wondering does separate me from a diagnosis is I'm not logically minded at all. I'm definitely emotionally-brained, but have a hard time communicating my emotions to others. They tend to just bottle up inside until I explode. Math and science were always my difficult subjects in school because I'm not as good at logic. But I'm a good student! English and History are my strongest subjects and I have a 4.0 right now in college. So it's not that I'm not good at studies, but I'm good at a limited amount of subjects. I memorize things really easily and got straight As in AP Art History when the rest of the class was getting much lower, in part because of my special interests and in part because it requires extensive memorization, which I am good at. When I was young, I would get into a lot of trouble for screwing around. Now I hardly ever talk to anyone and am not a disruptive student in any way, but I'm usually too petrified to say anything, either.
Most of the time I'm lonely and feel disconnected from social situations. I think that if I do have Aspergers, then maybe seeing a therapist would help, but how would I even bring that up with a therapist? Do I even fit the requirements for Aspergers? I took a test online and got like 160 out of 200 or something like that, but am unsure what that even means. Also I had a mental breakdown in the eighth grade and was diagnosed with OCD--not really having trouble with that right now, but it resurfaces from time to time. Probably will soon. It tends to when I'm stressed. I'm really tired of living the way I do and want to find help, but have no clue how to do so. What do I do from here?
27 Aug 2015, 2:50 pm
