Accepting Blame Easily

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I find I accept blame all too easily. When I'm in the conversation, the accuser will say words that start to implicate me. It wasn't something I did, nor was I responsible, but for some reason I'm all to ready to accept partial blame immediately, as if thinking that defusing the tension is what is most important rather that making the firm point that I'm not culpable. Just because my hands touched the piece of machinery that broke within the approximate time-frame of the breakage, doesn't necessarily mean that I'm the one responsible for breaking it. Especially if I didn't even use the function that is what broke on it.

Like with what I've just said, I didn't use the function that actually broke, if I say that in my defense, they'll say, "Well, if you were doing any of these other three functions improperly, that could have caused failure of this other fourth one. How did it sound when you started it up?" "I don't know. We use this every day and I wasn't thinking about how it sounded. It sounded to me just like it does every day."

And they still look for some flaw in your logic that they can use, as if the real facts are now secondary to your ability to present a logical case. Your case now rests more on your debating ability than on their detective skills which can't be bothered by investigating the facts. And under stress, even just finding words is somewhat tricky.

What I've found while trying to make my case for innocence in the past is that I don't seem to use the word sets that others understand as descriptive of a non-guilty situation. My brain seems to pull up and present what they regard as tangential issues to the assigning of culpability. And since I'm pulling up non-related issues, it only seems to cement the reasonableness of blaming me for it. "If he can't make a firm case other than just denial, he must be responsible." It's utter lunacy. And somehow my inner resources don't seem to be geared toward resistance of blame, but seem okay accepting it. It's more than just standing up for oneself... it is on a deeper level of feeling like there's always the possibility that something I did was partially the cause, or that I just don't want to put the energy into the arguing and it's less effort just to walk away and let them decide what they're going to decide.

Not sure if it happens to others, but this is one particular challenge that I'm wondering is a subset of the experience of living with ASD. It's so frustrating. Anyone developed successful thought patterns for negotiating this with more success?

No, I do not readily accept the blame or criticism for anything that I do.

Blame is a huge and complex issue in the context of human behaviour. It is often used, by the blamethrowers, to displace responsibility for their own behaviour onto others. "Behind their smiles are sharpened knives" as one psychotherapist put it. Some people are behaviorally addicted to this displacement activity. Cut them out of your life and avoid them like a plague. It will do wonders for your mental and emotional health.

I agree that blame is a complicated issue. If anybody tries to blame me for anything I'm likely to get defensive unless they're doing it in a very respectful way. I find that some people are generous with responsibility and blame, they readily play it down and blame themselves rather than others. With people like that I'm usually quite happy to highlight my own failings and to apologise for things even when the responsibility is mixed, i.e. I reciprocate their generosity. But there are others who seem to want to fob off blame and responsibility onto me, and those are the ones I'll respond to more defensively.

As for my own internal readiness to accept blame (my private self-appraisal), I'm often quite critical of myself whenever I can see that I could theoretically have done better. But I try not to blame myself exactly, I try to see myself as having done fairly well unless it's clear that I've screwed up, and to accept responsibility rather than blame for things that happen. It's difficult because I was blamed too often when I was young, so I have an ingrained habit of running myself down, but knowing it's there, I tend to compensate, I try to think it through.

Thanks B19. I have finally learned that everyone is going to lie like dogs while I'm there hoping that the truth will prevail.

Somehow, it has been a long deprogramming from a religious upbringing to get past the feeling I've held that people would never just impose blame on someone improperly. And instead of stooping to their level, I just allow them whatever version of reality they want to impose, instead of lying myself. I take blame, but feel like I preserve my integrity. Though I'm learning that there is no integrity in allowing myself to bear unjust blame, which is why this is coming up now.

I do exclude the smiling liars to the degree possible, but every job I've had requires me to deal with these people at some point, even if they're not in my office, they'll be a contractor, repairman, or something, and it's hard to predict which interaction will end up with me defending myself from their accusations.

I just want my brain to work better, more the way I see others defend their space, I guess.

This is exactly what I'm referring to. It's like there is a deeply ingrained feeling that I deserve to take blame imposed on me which I did not deserve. I think it may be partly religious programming, like how churches teach that enduring unjust accusations makes us pleasing to God. And since my default is to be resigned to accepting the accusation, my brain has no real standby methods for dealing with it. It's really twisted. But now I'm seeing it and can disentangle from it.

In the jargon, this turning of others' blaming and shaming inward onto the self is called "internalised oppression".
There is always a background (in my experience) of emotional abuse/neglect in the lives of people who do this. May I suggest a very helpful resource, this book, "Running on Empty". There are several books with this title (some on running actually) though the one I refer to is written by Jonice ...... (sorry that I can't recall her surname, but a Google search will access it easily). I hope it helps.

I'm convinced that forbearance is a bad thing. I think that when preachers and scriptures talk about what god wants, they're really telling us what THEY want. Though my primary caregiver managed to undermine my self-confidence without the help of any religion. The way back to reality is often a long and difficult business, but I'm sure it can be done.

Indeed it can, Tough Diamond. You have obviously made huge strides in that journey.

For those who suffered religious abuse/oppression, a quote from Ghandi:

"God has no religion". That's what I believe too.

I've seen forbearance possible within very small groups of people who truly desire the best for others. But you're right, outside of church settings (and often even within it), forbearance is the path to belittling and marginalization. But of course, the preachers don't tell you that. They want a compliant group of followers.

The preachers are more into letting a small-ant like me in their congregation suffer if need be so that they can keep building their little god-kingdom. I'm beginning to suspect the same meme was written into the Bible… I mean, what could be easier to control and manipulate than a people who believed that suffering was good and God will be upset if you strike back at an attacker?

Found it. Thanks B19. Read through the google preview (missing pages) and her description of emotional neglect fits, but her solutions are the common fare of externalized re-conditioning: listing things you like and dislike, restructuring your relationship with food, structuring your schedule, finding enjoyable activities like bubble baths and listening to music. If these worked, I'd have solved it by now.

Have you found any of her solutions particularly useful?

Not so much the solutions, which are as you say "the usual". More the validation she offers: I think she is good at describing and validating the feelings of the child and adult child accurately (from my memory of it) and for some, they will read this and experience for the first time that someone else actually "gets it",someone who accurately names things and events in their own experience(important to kick start the healing journey) and is genuinely empathetic to children who have suffered in this way.

Her analysis did seem more sound to me than the suggestions; that's her particular strength and weakness. Ultimately we are the healers, only we can heal ourselves, and if we are lucky, we heal with love from others in our lives who truly wish the best for us, who lighten that load and shorten the journey. I wish you that.

Yeah, the counter-dependence and getting immediately berated for any expressions of anger or dissatisfaction definitely hit home. I was disconnected from my family early on for a number of reasons.

This would seem to be a rather important insight. And I appreciate the encouragement.