I was so frustrated that I beat her up

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Today my kid (who has Asperger) had another episode of meltdown, she even scratched her face and made a hole in wall. I called her social worker asked her if she can arrange a doctor visit or refer her to a psycho educator. The social worker said that she in the list, but how long sh has to stay in list, it is 9 months since I asked her to refer my daughter to the psycho educator or a psychologist:(
I was so frustrated that when I came to my daughters room and saw that she is still screaming and saw her face and wall, I started beating her up, slapping her face over and over, sitting on her chest and keeping her hands and slapping her over and over.
I never beat her up, and I don't know why did I do that. My baby is the only thing in the word that keeps me alive. I live for her, if it wasn't for her I would have killed myself years ago. she is the only thing that I have. she is the one who keeps me alive. why did I do that to her

How old is your daughter?

It wasn't the right thing to do--to hit her like that. However, I do understand frustration leads people to do incorrect things. I know you feel terrible about this--so I won't criticize you.

But this sort of situation must be avoided in the future--this is why you need therapy. If you're in therapy already, more intensive therapy.

I don't think it's worth thinking about your own demise for this. You have to think of your daughter--and yourself.

Life is not over, by any means.

But you have to take care of this. You have to make things right with your daughter.

Please listen to the excellent advice which you will receive from others who are more qualified than I am in these situations.

Please sit down now and develop an emergency plan to prevent this ever happening again, now. Write it down.

If you even find and begin to feel that you are approaching this state of loss of control again, please, LEAVE THE HOUSE IMMEDIATELY, even though your daughter may temporarily be alone (unideal though that is) and call someone you know and trust IMMEDIATELY to come over to be with you both.

The second thing to do today is to arrange to get yourself some help and support.

What happened is very sad, but what's done is done, - we can't change that though you can help her heal if you first get help to heal yourself - and you can make amends to her by taking action to ensure it never, ever happens again.

Thank you for your honesty. Acknowledging reality as it really is, and fessing up, is the first step to resolution and healing. It may be best for your daughter to spend a few days with whoever in the extended family is the person she likes best, as long as they are a safe adult, while you come to terms with what happened and put your healing plan into action.

I wish you the very best on the journey ahead. Yes, it was a terrible thing to do; that doesn't, however, make you a terrible person. In time I hope she will be able to forgive it (this may take a long time), and then you can forgive yourself. Learn from this. Use it as a springboard for growth, so that you become a better parent than you ever could have been had this not happened to set the process of growth in motion. Be kind to yourself and your daughter.

Uh I think you better tell your social worker this because if you got driven to a point where you got on her and hit her over and over, it might get worse and it's not your daughter's responsibility to accommodate your anger and frustration. Maybe if social services know what you did, they will finally step in to help but the worst that can happen is them taking her from you. I don't know if you can still be charged for child abuse if you didn't actually hurt her. No injuries or bruises.

When a parent snaps, it means it's time to take immediate action.

I'm on the fence about agreeing with your suggestion. A lot of the times involving the state in these matters is like condemning both the parent and child a lifetime (or atleast until the child is 18) of struggle and pain. Constant court dates, fighting with judges and other state appointed social workers that think they know what's best for your child. If she tells a social worker what happened her child will GUARANTEED be taken away from her.

This breaks my heart to read indeed but I'm glad to see you are hurt because of your actions, not because I think you should suffer but because it shows you have remorse and realize your actions were out character and probably due to you reaching a tipping point.

I cannot imagine how hard it must be to have to raise a child, let alone an autistic child, but it's just as hard for the child so bear that in mind. We are all human and we all reach tipping points where we act out because of being at a loss of what to do and where to go. I agree with what the above poster said about setting up an emergency crisis plan of action, for when you begin to reach this level of frustration and stress.

Reach out to a close friend that would be willing to help you in these times. I was "that friend" for a very close friend of mine who, even though not autistic, would break under the stress of raising her child. She would call me to come help with him while she was able to sit alone and bring her stress level down, or go to walks to let go of some steam.

Point is you have to remove yourself from the "event" before you act like you did. I think you were brave to admit this on here and I'm glad no one is bashing you for it because you've made it clear you are sincerely distraught and remorseful, which any good mother would be.

I also agree that you should contact the social worker. I agree with the other respondents in this thread.

Call the social worker tomorrow and fess up. CPS may or may not take the kid. My state will do just about anything to keep an older ASD out of the foster care system.
The children can only be placed in homes where the parents have training. Those are in short supply. 6 is on the border of when people start saying, no thanks about accepting them into their homes. Hard fact is, your child is not a white, blonde hair blue eye 6 month old girl. Lots of people signing up to help out (with hopes of adopting) that child.

Your daughter would be consider an older child. Any child over two is considered old in my state. So the chances are slim to none on termination of parental rights. My state will throw in a week of respite care a month if you will keep your child, instead of signing over your parental rights to the state. BELIEVE me, there is no upside for an ASD child in the system. It cost $$$$$ more money and the state would much rather have you cope at home.

I would hammer it home to the social worker you are sinking fast and need help now. I know families that showed up in the ER with their out of control ASD kids. It forces the sh***y system's hand to do something. It's no where near optimal, but it is better than harming your child.

Figure out a game plan for next. Anyone you can call? Even if it's just to sit on the front porch with you?

My neighbor used to lock his ASD son in his room, and just let him demolish it when he was that out of control, because he told me he'd kill him otherwise. This was in the early 90s, when Aspergers was new, and all the help was for the very low functioning kids. It isn't a terrific option, but it is better than putting your hands on the child.

Remember, when you know better, you'll do better. It takes courage to write what you wrote. I hope tomorrow is a new start for you and your daughter even if it means dealing with the court system.

Hugs to you and your daughter.

The child's perspective weighs on me here. I must disagree with you Tawaki; I can see the adult objective perspective you are taking; here is a child's perspective (including those of the now adult child):

I know what it is to be abandoned in a strange house amongst strange people who appear to world to be entirely safe when they are anything but. I know the shock and terror that child experiences. I know the deep impact it leaves and how hard it becomes as an adult to trust anyone ever again. I know how long the trauma of being displaced can last and the scars it leaves. I know the nights of nightmares and the days of vomiting, as the body processes the emotional and psychological shock of displacement. I know that displaced children blame themselves for displacement and view it as a punishment. I know most of them grow up with feelings of worthlessness and let themselves be used by others as objects and tossed aside like pieces of used tissue. Why should children ever be damaged because adults make mistakes?

Safety is important. Are there safe people known to the child amongst extended family, friends and neighbours?

IF there is a safe person in the family who can help, this is a much better option and I also suggest you see a family therapist on how to manage your parenting issues: possibly a sense of powerlessness and isolation.

YOU NEED SUPPORT TOO.

Please find it. You deserve it.

please, please, please, apologize profusely to your child and NEVER let this happen again.

My perspective by the time your a beating the crap out of your kid, it is pretty far gone. It is better to have a kid in respite care than dead. I have taken care of kids who have gotten two fisted beat downs working in pediatrics. The aftermath of an adult losing control on a child isn't pretty.

Is it fair that a child gets removed? Hell and no. But my state offers little to parents in crisis. That is why families dump them at the police station and the ER. The system strings them along with the promise of help, and with some adults it's too little to late. They can't wait 8 months for that neuropsych evaluation or the year for the developmental pediatrician appointment. Everything is next month or whenever we have an opening (don't hold your breath).

From what I hear from my husband's support group, family and friends bail on difficult children. So it's not like there is a huge laundry list to call for help. Friends and family who help out during a crisis are dearer than rubies.

So from an ASD child's perspective, to be removed is terrifying. But I would rather have the child be scared, than on a vent or the morgue because an adult couldn't handle one more (insert behavior here). The child is blameless. It's the utter lack of support given to families that is to blame.

I've seen enough pediatric skull and femur fractures to last me a life time caused by parents. So that colors my response. Sorry. Had the OP had the "having a hard time dealing" with no losing control post, my answer would be totally different.

I hear and understand your point of view, and concede that I am unfamiliar with how things work in the states, though I am not unfamiliar with child psychology.

The over-riding factor is the child's safety, while Mum is overstressed and fragile; if there are safe people in the family or community, who are familiar to the child, then safety can be achieved.

There are very positive signs that I give the OP credit for:

1) coming here
2) seeking help quickly
3) being honest
4) having good will
5) taking responsibility
6) genuinely pleading for help
7) remorse over actions
not blaming others

This is the behaviour of an adult who is quite capable of acting in an adult way. Unfortunately, part of my career has been spent with the kinds of abusers you refer to - the ones who routinely break limbs and bash their kids to death eventually. I can honestly say that not one of these ever showed any sign of 1-8: they do opposite. It is NEVER their fault. "The kid asked for it; the kid didn't do what she was told; the kid made me do it; I was hit as a kid so who are you to say I can't hit my kid?; my kid belongs to me so I will do what I like and you can just f... off". Those of the parents that go on to bash more and kill.

I recommend you to never let it happen again. It could backfire. When I turned sixteen (I am 24 now), I told my dad to stop it. The one time after that when he raised his hand against me, he got kicked between the legs hard. You can raise a child without physical punishment.

I appologized, I cried to her that how sorry I am. the thing that worries me is tht she was saying thats okay, it is not your fault,....I told her no it is not okay, and she shouldn't let anyone raise their hand over her. I feel so bad . today after sending her to school I went to work but I brock down in tears and told my coworkers, I returned home and called social worker and told her. they are all saying I shouldn't stress myself...but I can't stop. I still remember when my mom slapped me, still after many years I hate her for that, and I've never forgiven her and I will not, and I never go to visit her.

My baby (she is 18, but I love to call her baby) is my heart and I am the only person she has. we live together alone. We have no family or friends. I moved to another country many years ago. me and my child, we just have each other. I am the only one she has and she is the only thing that keeps me alive.

I'm glad things aren't working out so bad for you.

I'm glad you work at a job which is understanding.

I'm glad you hugged your daughter, apologized, and that she responded well.

I think this was a "shock to your system"--

And will inspire you to be more careful and diligent in finding more constructive ways to help your daughter during her meltdowns.

Iwannadie, your love for your daughter shines through what you have written. This is your strength, and the strength you give to her. With this basis to your relationship, you can both heal in time. I sense that there may be a lot of unhealed stuff in your own past that is contributing to your pain and stress levels. Your sudden loss of control is a clarion call from your deep inner self that it is time to begin addressing these matters, terribly painful and frightening though I suspect that may be for you at present. I think you are a very brave person.

Right now there are things you need to set in motion:

1)ways to destress physically (ie progressive relaxation, or massage, etc..)
2)stress management techniques: learn to identify the signs that your stress is building up to a critical mass
3)parenting support: parenting alone is tough for anyone. Is there a parents' group in your wider community?
4) tender and kind self-care. I sense that you are a person who is very hard on yourself. Someone taught you this, and you have internalised it.
5)crying physically helps the body release the biochemicals that build up when stress is unbearable. Cry as much as you need to. It's ok to do that
6)personal support. For your journey of healing from past issues - this is someone who is trained, insightful, understanding and who can provide you with the one-to-one attention, acceptance, and appreciation which I suspect you have never really experienced.

You can recover from what has happened. It is an isolated incident. It has opened the door to healing. There is a saying: 'sometimes we have to get on the wrong train to get to the right place'. That might apply here.

I am terribly sad that you have no family nor friends. That makes it doubly tough for you. This is something else to address when you are a bit more healed - how to connect and break down that isolation. Your daughter is the only source of meaning in your life; it is clear that you are devoted to her best interests; so for her sake, begin your own personal healing journey. You will both hugely benefit from that. She loves you too, and her response shows that she may be wise beyond her years, and already realises what happened - that stress completely overwhelmed you. Your apology to her was heartfelt, not mere words, and she knows that. Take heart. Stop beating YOURSELF up now. Enter the process of healing. Godspeed on that journey, iwannadie.

Dear OP,

My second post had nothing to do with you personally. It is a brave person to lay everything out there and want help.

About what I wrote about the kids with fractures and such, I think 2 were from parents that systematically abused the child. Rest were....

Kid has bad day, insert behavior here...
Parent has had bad day, and loses it...
Parent hits/pushes kid and something horrible happens.

The worse spiral femur fracture I ever saw was an ASD boy (this was in the 1990s, so he was low functioning, could talk, but not an Aspie), the boy tried to round house kick his father. The father grabbed the leg, between the kid falling and the way the leg was held, a shattered the femur.

It was the perfect storm of just awful.

Leg pinned in traction, in the hospital for 6 weeks.
Hip Spica cast (you will lost your mind with no sensory issues in that stupid thing)
CPS doing the body cavity search on the family. I remember the family finally getting some help with education/transfer to a better school fit.

NT parents lose it. My father punched me and threw me down the stairs when I was twelve. I had gotten in trouble at school, had a loud nasty teen mouth, amd my father had come home after a 14 hour shift making steel (working the blast furnace).

I wouldn't shut up, and leave him alone. He closed fist punched me and gave me a big shove down the stairs. I wound up with a concussion.

He was wrong. I was wrong. A whole lot worse could have happened.
It was not fun explaining all that to the ER doctor.

My dad never hit me like that again.