Relocating

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I apologise if this is in the wrong part of the forum but I wasn't sure where else to post.
My husband and I have been thinking about relocating. I haven't been happy living in this area for quite a long time now (about the last twelve years) and after visiting my dad, who is just over 200 miles away, I have wanted to relocate closer to him. It's such a lovely area, peaceful, not as chaotic like here. The schools are also much better, the housing is better and significantly cheaper too. There are also other, very good reasons why relocating would be a good idea.
There's every reason for us to move, but I'm scared to leave my mum. My mum and I haven't been as close for a number of years and I wish that was different, but I love her. She visits twice each week, more to see the kids than me, but she's not far away and I can't imagine not having her nearby.
I think a fresh start would be really beneficial for our family, it's just the thought of leaving my mum holding me back. I spoke to her about it yesterday. She said she'd be heartbroken if we left, but obviously she would visit and thinks we should do it if it's what we want.
I don't feel like I should be away from her, like I'm not grown up enough. Which sounds silly! I have my own children, of course if I'm grown up enough to have them, then I'm grown up enough to not live on my mum's doorstep. I know this logically, but it doesn't change how I feel.
I don't like being without my dad, either. He visits, but it's not the same. It was his choice to move away. But even if he lived here I don't think that would make me like living in this area. His health has been declining over the last five years or so, and that makes me feel I need to be nearer him to be there if he needs us. As far as I'm aware *touch wood* my mum's health is ok.
If we ever felt it was a mistake it would be extremely difficult to move back here.
I have written up long lists of pros and cons of moving away and staying here, and moving away always outweighs staying. The only reason that makes me doubt this is my mum. And I suppose not just missing her, but my own capabilities without her near.
Does anyone else feel like this? Is this normal?! I don't know if this is something more common amongst those on the spectrum, anxieties around leaving parents? Or if this is just a normal thing that anyone would feel? I don't know.

Sorry to use the word 'normal', I don't know how to put that

Your ambivalence seems entirely normal to me. It's a big decision, and you have done logical things to think about it - made a pros and cons list, talked with people involved, calculated likely outcomes.

I have to wonder if there's a third option, which is, instead of moving where your dad is or staying where your mom is, could you live somewhere in the middle, so you're about 100 miles from each?

Never assume how much time the older generation has, as those outcomes can hold a lot of surprises. It's quite possible that losing frequent contact with you would make your mom decline, or that your dad will hold out a long time whether or not you are nearby.

Another possibility - how likely is it that your mother might move with you? Not move IN with you, but nearby.

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal for anyone. You never stop loving your parents. Well in most cases anyway if they both were around to at least partially raise you.

But I think the main thing to focus on here is what's right for your children. If where you would like to go is a better area for them, then the decision is already made for you. Your first obligation is to them. regardless of your emotions.

My closest friend recently had to make such a choice. I think he's NT, but has some autistic-like symptoms due to severe head trauma a few years back. He had gotten some money in a lawsuit and needs to basically live off that forever since he cant work. His mom has recently been windowed and doesn't really have anyone, and I am like his brother and his only real friend. The man has little capacity to make new friends. He's decided, for the sake of his kids, to move almost 3 hours away because it's a much calmer area that he can afford to give his kids a better life. But he's sacrificing being able to see and help his mom, as well as myself- one of only two real friends hes had for many years, as well as his other friend.

Point is, he's decided to ignore his own emotions and comfort for the sake of his kids. I think this is the correct way. Which is a reason why I dont personally ever want children because its the sort of things you have to do as a parent and I could not.

Access to grandparents, if the relationships are good, is a quite important factor in the children's emotional life, too. It partly depends on the ages of the children. From mid teens on, their peer group is more critical, which is why you try not to uproot your kids in middle and high school.

Thank you for your replies
Regarding the children - the only thing I worry about for them, is the same thing for myself. They're close to my mum and always look forward to seeing her. With the slight exception of my eldest, who also has an ASD and at times he finds her stressful because if they're not doing what he thinks they are, it changes his plans and routine and he finds this difficult. Of course he adores her, just occasionally I have to step in and explain for him because I don't think she fully understands.
Anyway, we have a somewhat complicated family. Two are my step children, who live with us. One has contact with his maternal family (not his mother as she passed away), but it's not very consistent. They will visit regularly for a few months and then we won't see them. They drive, and travel further to visit other relatives so I don't think there would be a problem there.
My other step child has no contact with any of her maternal side, including her mother, and for good reason.
My eldest lost his dad five years ago, but does still see his paternal grandmother once a week. She would find the travel difficult I think. But my husband would collect her to bring her for visits. He has said that he'd be happy as long as he could still see her, but understands that the distance would mean this couldn't be weekly. The rest of the family on his paternal side rarely see him because of their own commitments.
My mum has said that she's leaving her partner, again. So I said to her why not make a fresh start and come with us. Not to live with us permanently, but she could stay until she found her own place. It was just an idea, as she doesn't have anyone really here. She's mostly cut off from her friends now, and there's no other family here besides us (she's originally from near where we want to go). I worry she will be isolated here and be unhappy. I worry about her and the children not having as much contact with each other too. But although initially she said she'd think about it, she's since said that she doesn't want to leave this area.

Regarding school, I home educate my eldest and our two youngest (3 & 2), so no uprooting from schools for them. My eldest is considering returning to school, but the schools are rubbish here. The middle two who are in school (because they enjoy it and get on well there) will be due to change schools anyway by that point. I had thought about that too, as I know only too well what it's like to be uprooted from school, and home. We decided that the best time to move would be during the next summer holidays.

We do feel this would be a good move for our children. There are better schools there, it's a much nicer, calmer area, plenty of family stuff to do and it feels like there's a better future there with more opportunities. If either of us thought this would impact negatively upon the children, we'd not be thinking about it.
Another point is my husband has been at home supporting me so has been out of work. There aren't many good job opportunities here, and we can't afford the rent down here. We need to move anyway, but we literally can't do that here either working or not working because the rent is sky high (our current home is cheaper than average, but that became obvious why after moving in).

It sounds as if for economic reasons, you really will have to move. Therefore, your next step is to arrange to have the least adverse effects on the various parties involved.

You pretty much lost me with the complexity of the family constellation. I would be most concerned about your mother, both her isolation and the loss of the grandparent relationship for the kids. You generously offered to host her during a transition period, and she is declining. That doesn't have to be a permanent status, though. If she has ended a primary relationship and cut herself off from friends, she may find remaining behind is just not very tenable for her. Or perhaps it will stimulate her to branch out in new directions.

Your parents chose to split up (one or both of them chose it), and you now find your sympathies split, too. I would suggest going where your family has to go for economic and education opportunities, and let your mom and dad fit in as best they can. You seem like a very accommodating person, and good for you. Just don't let yourself go crazy with these divided sympathies.

I lose myself with my family too, don't worry!
I don't know if it's always been expensive to rent here, but it certainly is now. It does seem to have shot through the roof in recent years. Unless you're in social housing (which is rarely offered unless you're facing homelessness), it's extremely tough (I think because the commute to London is relatively quick and easy). I've also seen that the majority of landlords don't like pets, and even fewer will rent to anyone in receipt of any benefits. This seems to be quite different elsewhere though. The majority still lean towards no pets and only the employed, but after weeks of looking, I've noticed that there are more landlords there that are willing to rent to you under those circumstances than there are here. So that, and the fact that it's much cheaper, gives us more chance of being able to rent a house that's not in a poor state of disrepair and that's still affordable.

My mum seems to say she's leaving her partner this time every year. I do get on with him well and always have, but he does give her a hard time. I think she stays with him mostly out of worry about how he will manage without her. He's quite a bit older than she is and his health isn't wonderful. She's been his carer for a number of years, so I suppose to her it's never going to be as simple as just leave. But I know she's really unhappy. She's just not allowed to be her, she has no breathing space. I don't know if she will actually leave him this time.

There are many benefits to moving away. But the one huge downside is leaving my mum. For so many reasons. Not least that she will miss the kids, and vice versa.