I want to change my life and socialize

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Hi,

I have aspergers/mild autism (I'm 19 years old). Currently i'm living with my family. I finished high school and now i'm studying for university exam.

My problem is: I have an isolated life. I got some short term friends in the past. For example in high school i had some friends. I was more social in the past. But now i have zero friends. I stay at home usually. I dont go out too much and i get stressed when i do. I have also social anxiety. My daily routine is sleeping, eating, going to supermarket, studying, playing mobile games...

I want to change my life and be more social. But i dont know where to start, and what to do. Please help me. Thanks

Living in a dorm would help. I lived in a student co-op, where we had a lot more freedom than a university dorm, but I did not go in prepared. Living close to other people helps me develop a higher tolerance for low levels of irritation, and also creates a lot more opportunities to laugh my head off.

I have had trouble socializing while living with my family or alone. It does boil down to leaving the house for an uncertain return. Just being able to hang out with roommates sometimes has less investment and much better odds of a positive return. I'm going to live in shared houses for a while, and really think carefully about how I can do the kind of things a good roommate does and avoid doing the kinds of things bad roommates do. If I'd prepared in that way when younger, I would have had even more successful relationships.

I hope some of that fluency will also make it easier to get out of the house and socialize, since never leaving is totally a bad roommate thing.

As you go to the grocery store, practice a random act of kindness by simply wishing a stranger "good morning, have a great day". Make eye contact for that moment as you walk past them and keep walking, don't expect anything in return from them. Only one person per day.

When that becomes comfortable, extend your reach.

I hear you, im in a very similar position right now in my life, eat, go to uni, go home, or i some days i may go out and get a coffee by myself. As someone else has suggested, ive made a considered effort to be open and friendly and smile with random people i meet purchasing items, it might not create a social life but if its genuine i almost always get a positive response back and this goes a long way to helping my self confidence. The better I feel about myself, the less negative self-speak goes on in my head, the more positive I feel, and thus easier when Im actually socialising as i logically assume a bright and chirpy me is much more interesting than a flat and down version.

Ive also joined an aspergers support group which also hold social events, ive only been one week but by the looks of it i should make a few good friends there and would suggest looking for anything similar where you live. I still find it hard to go to, I get super nervous, fidget, all worked up, a bit queezy and then try talk myself out of going there the hour leading up to it but its all good just gotta ignore it. Id strongly suggest looking for a similar group, or something like a gaming club at university, board game group or something nerdy where you'll find people who embrace "odd" (awesome) people and social awkwardness.

One thing I did learn when i was younger is how to ignore the "noise". I raced motorbikes for 17 years to the top level in my country, and one thing you frequently run into is fear. If you cannot learn to ignore or not feed into it you've reached a limit that you will not pass. Its hard to explain how i apply this in a social situation, but as an example with this aspergers social group everyone sits in a circle and whoever holds this ball is who speaks (cos aspies love to get excited and speak over each other). My first day there i thought no chance im going to speak, even if the ball gets passed to me i was just going to say a word or 2 then pass the ball to someone else... and hopefully the ball does not come in my direction. When it eventually did I paused for a bit and though f-it and just spoke about the topic. In this situation my head almost always does that "omg this omg that, what if this, what does this person think, am i talking too much, im stuttering bla bla" but sometimes you've just gotta let it do its thing and keep speaking.

When meeting new people, what i struggle with is chit chat. I just dont do it so if i dont know what to say, I ask questions that im genuinely curious about them. What that do for work/life and so on, from there the conversation usually progresses if you have common interests and soon enough you're off and away. Sometimes it doesnt but s**t happens, you're not always going to connect with everyone and its important to remember that and dont think its always something you're doing.

Bit of a ramble and not sure if this helps but just keep doing something small. The analogy i use is its like when you cut your finger nails way too short, the skin underneath is really sensitive and it hurts to touch as its used to be covered by the nail. After a while the nerves get used to it and its all good. The fear we feel in social situations is an irrational fear in the fact that theres no danger, the more you can get out and do things over time the less of an issue it'll become. Having said that, put me at a party with a group of people who i dont know and i'll retract entirely and sit by myself.... Its not easy but keep at it and take small steps, and try do something every few days, or even just once a week if thats too much.

Hope this helps

I can relate to you situation a lot, it's tough but you have to put yourself out there and be open about yourself for anything to change. I've been trying to talk to more people(girls specifically if you want to know the truth) recently and as nerve racking as the thought is beforehand I am glad I've done it every time I have even if I made a fool of myself & blew it in the opening salvo because I just feel a little bit more comfortable the next time & it tells me what not to do. I don't expect anything, the good thing about being a pessimist is that I'm pretty easily impressed and despite all the anxieties it is never worse than how it plays out in my head. All easier said than I done I know, got me on one of my optimistic days. I'll be back in the dumps in no time tho I sure. It's a long process with a lot of gradual progression, there are lots of people out there and your looking if they find you but most often at least as a guy you have to find them yourself.

i know how you feel. i'm in the same situation. i'm in between jobs, moving into a new place and the only people i talk to are thru text and social media. i did have friends in school who i saw outside of school, but once i graduated i never saw them again. i always wanted to have a busy life where i was hardly ever home, but once my life starts to get busy i panic. i prefer to be at home, but i know that if i want to socialize and meet people, i have to go out and/or get a job so i can get into the routine of leaving the house and interacting with people.

Thanks for your replies. I will put myself out of home but i dont know which activity i should do. Everyone has friends and has a "life". For example my peers are hanging out with their friends in shopping malls, cafe's... they are enjoying the life. But i have zero friends so i'm just an introvert who has nothing to do with social life. Now i want to break this and get a life. But where

My recommendation is to join an interest-based group, or a structured activity. For example, you could join a book club or start taking karate classes. This gives you something to talk about and a reason to get together on a regular basis.

It's not related but, Turkce konusuyor musun?

Hey there!

One thing I would recommend is reading books about body language. Also read "How to win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. For us, the whole social thing is a much more conscious endeavour. When you interact with people, note when things go right, and celebrate to yourself your victories! When you make a slip-up, i.e., you say something embarrasing, or you catch yourself rambling about a special interest, etc., take note of the circumstance, and don't let it get you down. Use your mistakes as learning tools.

It's easier said than done, but I have faith that you can learn.

You go to the supermarket every day? that would be like a nightmare for me.....grocery stores and super-markets set off my sensory issues and makes me anxious and irritable.

Or do you mean you just go some days, but thats really the only time you leave the house? Either way perhaps trying to do some more enjoyable less stressful activities outside your house would help some.

I was pretty much in your situation and I wanted to do something as well, and you can!

I think that if you want to socialize, the most important thing is that you are conscious how people perceive you, how you appear.

Then you can make it a discipline, for your good sake, to improve something every day.
Choose something everyday that requires an effort, but is possible for you. Focus on your success and important, do not be angry after yourself when you fail, you are learning.

If you do not have ideas about what to improve, type on internet : How do you recognise an autist/asperger? You will get a lot about what to improve.

That works for me, hope it does for you. Take care

I finished my A-levels last year and I've started at university but I hate being there so much, I didn't make any new friends, I don't even speak on most days because I have nobody to talk to, I just don't go in anymore. My ex-best-friend-who-also-has-Asperger's-Syndrome from my A-level years seems to be having an amazing time at his university and that made me jealous so I turned my back on him.

I live in a house with 1 friend who I've known for 13 years (he also goes to a different uni) but we don't do much together often, he's very supportive to me though. In 6 months I'm starting at a different university and I'm going to halls of residence so I hope I can make new friends and have a good social life. I find it very hard to make friends; most of the ones I've ever had I've made through my housemate. I think it doesn't help that I can't make eye contact with anyone.

you can always go on meetup.com and find people with the same interests as you or you can start your own meet up group with your own interests and have people join that.