The passionless individual (and some other problems -.-)

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As I sit in my room all day, thinking about how useless, passionless, grey, sad and lonely I am (long-distance relationships are practically killing me), I wonder: How do people do the things they want to do? How can they focus on something? Why can't I just do the things I want to do? Do I even want to do anything?

After having done absolutely nothing with my life this last year other than watching youtube and being on skype all day, I feel like I'm going through what seems like a mid-life crisis at age 19. Hopefully that doesn't mean I'll only live till 38. It feels as if I'm purposely sitting in a unlocked prison cell. I can't seem to find a way out of the trap I made for myself. I can't seem to find passion. The funny thing is that the closest thing I can think of to be my passion would be finding passion, which quite frankly solves absolutely nothing. School performance is suffering, partially because of this. I just can't seem to focus on the study I hand-picked, which is not something you'd expect if general interest is there. It just seems like nothing makes me feel content and the things I want to do I can't put my mind to. It doesn't help that I'm kind of tired and hug-deprived (I'm basically a very picky teddy bear). And last but not least, I'm sort of screwing up my own relationship by constantly having to make sure everything's alright between the two of us (first boyfriend ever, he's the best person in existence)

Does anyone know how I can make something of life? How to find the stuff I can pursue for years on end and not get tired of it? Sorry if this seems all over the place. However, it sort of well-illustrates how cluttered it is up there at the moment.

This sounds like an absolutely perfect description of a depressive disorder (especially dysthymia or atypical depression). I've got this problem myself, and I think it's best to look at this like a medical problem. Sometimes it's caused by some nutrient deficiency, hormone imbalance, or some imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. If you go to a doctor and describe this problem, they will probably give you an SSRI (antidepressant). You could probably have a blood test for hormone problems (thyroid, etc) and nutrition deficiencies if you ask. Increased exercise might help regardless, but it can be hard to implement while you're depressed.

Psychotherapy (counseling, usually CBT) could be useful too, because having this condition for a while can really mess up your worldview. Fixing the underlying medical problem won't automatically fix your ideas.

Being "hug-deprived" is significant. Besides your preference for your experiences, physical contact effects your hormones (oxytocin). If sensory issues are getting in the way of getting adequate hugs, because it makes some hugs unpleasant or stressful, you might be able to have a discussion with your boyfriend to find something that works for you.

At the same time, it seems ASD folks often have trouble with task avoidance and activity inertia, which itself can be kind of similar to what you describe. I always have that problem with or without depression. I'd say, non-depressive task avoidance feels like the passion is there, but doing anything about it is too hard.

First of all, thanks for taking time out of your life to respond. That already means a lot.

As far as deficiencies go, I've had iron deficiency in the past and I think I have that same thing right now, because I'm tired for no reason and my tongue is all painful (didn't know that was a symptom until I accidentally stumbled upon it). I've changed my diet accordingly, but I do avoid things like spinach, because there's one thing my tongue dislikes more than pain and that's gross vegetables

I went to a doctor earlier today and I have an appointment with a psychologist next week to see if they can help me. I don't like the idea of medication and will only use it if necessary, because I don't wanna tamper with the self. I wanna do it on my own, without having to alter my inner being. Something that other mentally ill people have had trouble with: self-identity vs. optimalisation.

I think I might have chosen the incorrect word when I used hug-deprived. I probably didn't explain the situation well enough or something. Anyways, I don't have any sensory issues or whatever (thank god). It's just that the person I wanna cuddle with lives 8800 kilometres away from me, making me unable to hold him. I'm super cuddly, so that's kind of problematic.

I have heard of and read some anecdotes about the relation between ASD and task avoidance and activity inertia, as you put it. I think it's one of the things that actually make me feel kind of down, because there's something I wanna do, but I can't put my mind to it, which makes me sad, especially when I compare myself to the excelling part of the world, which makes me wanna excel, causing me to wanna try again, but again not being able to put my mind to it, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.