Feeling undermined

Post Reply New Topic

Hi,

So, despite some of my problems I am an overall quite motivated and energetic person. Where many people would talk about doing something, I'm not afraid to just go out and make it happen and learn along the way.

One of the things I set up was a regular event where bloggers from my area could meet up/learn from each other and network. I have done a lot of work getting the format for this together, setting up channels of communication and finding useful contacts to ensure that the event could be run in an effective and useful manner.

When my personal situation went south with university and employment etc from a combination of family issues and autism discrimination, I had to put the event on hold. It wasn't a for-profit venture and I no longer had the resources to make it happen.

Rather than lay it to rest though, when I found people decrying that they couldn't find such an event I offered to start it back up in exchange for their help, in order to maintain it's sustainability.

That was all well and good, and I ran the first event to show them the processes and it even got coverage on local tv.

The event went quite well, and everyone seemed quite satisfied, however, I had caught some form of bug the week preceding the event, and so there were some areas which I know I could have ran better.

I have had plans for starting this event back up for a while, as well as expanding the systems I have already set up around it. I also have had plans to finally make the event sustainable through setting up a website for it, which could both enhance it's usefulness while allowing me to make something back from the time and resources I have spent on it, ensuring I could remain running it.

However - yes, finally got there - one of the people I brought on to help with the event has started being quite controlling. They went over my head and registered the domain name for the event under their ownership (I haven't had the money), have plans to set up a website themselves and have been setting up alternative communication channels under their control for the management of the event. They have also been using the event to promote their business, and have themselves lined up as the first speaker in one of the upcoming events.

Being Autistic, I evidently have problems with being assertive even if I am good at getting things off the ground. I don't want to alienate this person from helping, and I recognise they have also been putting in work, but I feel like they are undermining me and taking over the event in order to take advantage of the opportunities which I had not yet taken advantage of in having created the event.

I also recognise that I can have communication issues and so perhaps didn't strongly enough put across the boundaries when getting other people involved.

I feel quite uncomfortable with what is happening but I don't know how to deal with it in an amicable fashion.

Any experience or ideas about how I should/could deal with this? Am I in the wrong for feeling the way I do? Is the other person taking advantage of me or just trying to be helpful?

You had a good idea but for personal reasons could not implement it without help. Help came forward. I suspect though that people now perceive you as not being dependable at carrying on.

The person who is so controlling should have discussed it all with you before proceeding, but I can understand why they might have thought there was a leadership vacuum at the top of this project.

There is no perfect way to proceed here, but I would ask if you could have a one-on-one with them, discuss how you feel, validate how they might have felt justified, but ask if there's some way you two could share ownership. l

I can't of course know whether you are being abused or not, but you could well be. People are like that and people have at least done similar things to me. They did it in school, and nowadays they do it at work. For example one of my co-workers is supposed to do a certain job with me, but she has left it all for me to do, while she still takes the credit for it. If I bring the subject up, she still does nothing and just puts the blame on me for not doing it. Just like a person bullying me isn't an as*hole, but I am the one to blame - I am too vulnerable and naïve, and thus I am also responsible for the bully's actions. If someone stoles my wallet, it's similarly of course my fault, not the thieve's. I should have watched out more, I am too naive or whatever, not that the thief is a thief.

Maybe you could state your feelings to these people, although in my case it has never helped. People just go on as before and in the worst case they might twist the whole thing with their games (that I can't play) and allies (that I do not have) so that at the end I just get an even bigger load of s*t on me.