Aspergers Or Something Else Maybe?
04 Apr 2016, 7:53 pm
This post is very long and pretty rambly and I don't expect anyone to actually read through the whole thing but I'm going to post it anyway.
I'm not really sure how to start this so I guess I'll start with saying that I'm not here looking for a diagnosis or a for sure answer. I'm well aware that you should seek a professional for an actual diagnosis. I guess I'm posting this just for a second opinion but really to see if anyone else relates. I'm not sure how I even got onto the subject of aspergers. I've heard of it before but never really knew what it was and out of curiosity I started looking into it. As I was reading about it I found myself familiarizing with some of the 'signs' or 'symptoms' and decided to take a few self tests which all came out with a resuls of 'likely neuro-diverse' and 'likely to have aspergers'. Not that I'm relying on those tests for confirmation or believe they could give me a diagnosis but they did further my interest in the subject and my curiosity for my own similarities with it. Before I get into the reasons of why I believe it's a possibility that I could have aspergers I want to say that I do have anxiety and probably panic disorder. I say probably only because I have not been diagnosed with either but have spoken to a doctor about it and have made plans to speak to a thrapist about it but those plans were interrupted by having to move. Anyway, I haven't gotten diagnosed with either but without a doubt I know I have some form of anxiety or another. I'm not entirely sure what exactly it is but to guess I'd have to say general anxiety (triggers mostly of medical related things and social situations but it can be anything and nothing at al that triggers it) and panic disorder. One of my siblings has been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder which I'm able to compare with only I have the addition of panic attacks as well.
In any case I'm rambling and the point of this post isn't about anxiety. I just thought I would give a little background information on that although it may not be relevant. I'm sure I had anxiety to some extent all throughout my childhood but it didn't really start to show or get bad enough to be noticed until around highschool. Along with the anxiety not being noticible by anyone else until a certain point, I've always had an inkling that there was or is something else going on that could explain why I've done and still do certain things and why I think certain ways. There's a possibility that this thing I'm searching for could be ADD or ADHD considering both of my parents have each (one with ADD and depression actually, the other with ADHD and possibly anxiety). The reason I am trying to find this 'thing' is not only for an explanation of the reason I am the way I am but to better understand myself and to find different ways to well help myself function better on a daily basis. The simplist way to figure this out would be to speak to a therapist but I feel as though I need to better understand what's going on myself before seeing a therapist (which I'll wind up doing anyway once I financially can for my anxiety). That may not make any sense but oh well.
In middle school is when I started noticing oddities about myself that I never questioned before and when it really became evident to me that there was a barrier between myself and my peers. I never really quite fit in with them and always felt as though I was on the outside of an invisible wall standing between me and the rest of the kids my age. Everyone else just effortlessly interacted with other kids and went about doing their own thing while I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands when I was standing, where to put my arms when sitting or in which way to sit, what to say when talking to other kids. I just wasn't sure what to do when I was around other kids and I was also very indecisive. I was very self concious and overly self aware; every move I made and everything I said was carefully thought about. If I didn't know what to do or to say I would freeze and not move or hardly move and not speak at all unless I was spoken to and even then I wouldn't say much or I would mumble to the point where I could hardly be understood. Others just thought I was very shy or just really quiet and weird but they had no idea how much anxiety was going on inside my head over the most simple things that should just come naturally. I was always jelous of other kids and how they, especially the more popular and well liked ones, had no problems with socializing and didn't seem to have to go through so much effort and thought just to figure out how to stand when in the lunch line or how to confront a teacher about something. I was always questioning everything; 'is this the right way to stand?', 'is it weird if I rest my arms like this?', 'are the clothes I'm wearing acceptable?', 'Are those kids behind me judging me and talking about me?', 'if I say this will I sound stupid?'. It was very stressful and every day was a challenge and I hated it. I didn't confront anyone about it and it was kind of just my little secret. No one knew how difficult it was for me to interact with people and they just saw this weird shy and quiet kid. I was even mistaken as mute a few times because I just wouldn't say anything unless I was speaking to a family member or a very close friend or answering a question I knew when I was chosen in class (usually I would just shrug even if I knew the answer because I didn't want to talk). When it came to strangers a lot of my communication involved nodding or shaking my head and giving simple one or two word answers.
I have innapropriate reactions sometimes, more specifically when it deals with death or very sad or serious subjects. For example, in highschool I was trying to tell my friends that my dog had died and I was really upset about it but while I was telling them I was smiling and laughing uncontrollably. There was nothing funny about it, I didn't feel good about it at all but I couldn't tell them without smiling. This happens when I have to tell anyone bad news and I've gotten a bit better at concealing it but it's kind of rediculous and makes me look heartless or derranged like I actually think death is funny. I absolutely hate this and I avoid telling anyone bad news in person if I can because I know it looks bad. Actually this is something that stresses me out a lot and is something I'm worried about currently considering my grandmother is fighting a loosing battle with cancer and when its all over I don't know how I'm going to react. I know I'll be sad, I love my grandmother, but I'm worried that during the funeral I'll do something stupid like smile uncontrollably or laugh and make myself look like a psychopath.
I also smile and laugh innapropriately when lying or when I'm not lying but it's a situation where I know someone will think I'm lying. I was never able to get away with a lie when I was a kid because when I was asked if I did something I'd reply with no and have this big ass goofy grin on my face. It's a little bit funny at times but can be really annoying when I'm not actually lying and no one believes me because I can't help from smiling or laughing when defending myself. I think this could possibly be due to the fact that most people when they're trying to determine if you're lying or not will want you to look them in the eye and that makes me very uncomfortable so I laugh or smile. That may not make sense but I don't know, laughing and smiling innapropriatly could be an odd reaction to an uncomfortable situation that I don't know how to deal with?
I've always had a very stoic default facial expression I guess and I've never really shown much of what I'm thinking or feeling on my face. This doesn't account for everything of course, I do have some facial expressions but I don't have as animated of facial epressions as other do. If I'm in a group conversation and someone says something that I actually find really funny I might smile a little and laugh on the inside or give a light 'chuckle' or 'giggle'. I almost never laugh out loud or really laugh unless I find something extreamly funny or am laughing innapropriately (or of course I'm forcing an audible laugh so I don't seem rude or too strange). I've been told I look sad all the time and to smile more or that I look like I'm always bored. I've even been told by a teacher before that I have a poker face because she couldn't ever tell what I was thinking or feeling.
I've been told I'm rude or heartless quite a bit in middle school and highschool because of things I've said. For example a teacher of another class in highschool that I didn't have and a few friends did have, was telling a story which was very personal and emotional (I don't remember what it was but it had to do with his son and I think something related to war but he was either using the story as a teaching method or it was the date that it happened. Anyway the event the teacher was talking about happened several years ago and he apparently was crying as he was telling it. I don't remember what I said but I didn't understand why he would be crying about something that happened so long ago, especially in a classroom setting. I was called heartless and given some pretty dirty looks because I made a remark about something that didn't make sense to me. At the time I don't think I really knew how to 'put myself in someone elses shoes' and sympathize with them. I can now sympathize with others and understand why they may react that way if I think and imagine how I would feel if I was in that situation. I think sympathy is supposed to be pretty effortless but for me I have to take the time to literally imagine myself going through the same thing and to feel bad for myself in that situation before feeling bad for that person. I tested on the Myers Briggs personality tests as an intp which could very well have something to do with a lot of my behavior and the way I think. I'm not sure if there's any correlation between intp personalities and aspergers though.
Anyway...
As a kid I was considered very annoying by family members because I was contantly either tapping on things (drumming on tables, tapping my foot on something, etc) and or making odd noises (clicking my tongue, huming, just strange noises, animal sounds,etc). When I was really young and before I could remember apparently I screamed a lot for no reason. I don't remember this but supposedly I would stand in the hallway and just scream as loud as I could for absolutely no reason and no one understood why. I grew out of that before I could actually remember doing it. Anyway, that last bit isn't exactly important but I still do tap on things and make odd noises sometimes as well as toy with things. I can't sit completely still and when I am sitting I'll play with my headphones, an earaser, shake my foot, etc. If I'm home alone and for whatever reason feeling uncomfortable or anxious I'll hum or sing to myself, I just recently noticed I do this but when I'm sitting up without some kind of back support and vegging, watching tv, playing a game, etc, I rock from side to side. Sitting isn't the only time I do this and I do it a lot actually and I'm not sure why but it's almost comforting in a way I guess if that makes sense.
I pace a lot of the time when I'm talking on the phone, thinking and when having panic attacks or not even panic attacks, I'm not sure what they would be called, meltdowns? I think I could occasionally have meltdowns and just mistake them for being panic or anxiety attacks (although there is a difference between what I'm talking about and regular panic attacks which I do have). While trying to figure out what these are I think I just put them together with panic attacks and linked them with another anxiety symptom but now that I think about it they are different. Panic attacks are more centered on feeling very scared and like I'm dying, I get really shaky and hyperventilate and feel like throwing up or passing out along with feeling really hot and just over all horrible. These 'meltdowns' are more of an overwhelming feeling, I feel like I'm going to explode and I usually cry or feel like crying. It's more of an emotional outburst than an aniety attack. I've had them since I was a kid and when I was a kid they were usually dominated by anger and I would throw things and wound up breaking a lot of things, I chipped one of my sibling's teeth throwing something at them. I would feel really bad afterward though and embarrassed and would usually cry for a good while. Now though, when they happen which isn't usually very often, I lock myself in my room and turn on loud music and just let it go I guess. Usually I pace around, I might pull at my hair or run my fingers through my hair, shake my hands and cry or breath deeply and sometimes make odd noises akin to growling or whining. Sometimes, most recently its been mostly out of sadness and lie as it happened several times yesterday I paced back and forth, crying and shaking my hands, wiping at my face and pulling at my hair. I haven't had any of these for a while (before the last few days) but the situation with my grandmother has gotten worse and I've just not been dealing with my emotions over it very well and its probably just a build up of emotions and frustration. I do this also sometimes if I'm very angry or frustrated but it involves sometimes throwing things or biting things (like a pillow or my shirt or something) but still with the crying and frustrated noises. It's very embarassing and I don't even like typing about it but it is something that happens and not something I have much control over.
There's much more that I could add to this but it had gotten much longer than I already anticipated and that I think anyone would actually want to read so I'm going to stop it here. I guess if any of this sounds familiar to anyone, if anyone can relate or anyone has any questions that could possibly help determine if this is something I have then leave a comment.
04 Apr 2016, 8:02 pm
tl:dr
If what you are looking for is a diagnosis, be advised that no one on this website is qualified to make a diagnosis that is based solely on one person's subjective descriptions. Only an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health professional can make a diagnosis, and only after a series of personal interviews, tests, and parental surveys. You would be better off to consult such a professional, instead of a bunch of strangers on a social website.
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