Being told to smile...

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Or...what really pisses me off!!

I'm listening to someone speak. I have to concentrate really hard because:
a) I'm hearing impaired and I often need to lip read.
b) There's usually a lot of background noise and distractions.
c) I'm trying to work out which words are important and which are merely embellishments.

Then there's a pause in the conversation where my mind is still trying to catch up. My face is expressionless because forming an expression would just be one more thing I would have to concentrate on. That's when the speaker says, "Smile, Raleigh!"

To me this feels like a form of low-level bullying. One person in particular does this to me constantly at work and it always leaves me feeling slightly humiliated, especially when done in front of the group. It's drawing attention to my 'difference' and holding it up for derision in front of an audience. It seems to be done in order to get a reaction from me - but I'm f****d if I know how I'm supposed to react?? I usually don't react at all, because often I can't. I don't have the necessary verbal skills.

The person who does this seems otherwise friendly and supportive, so I'm not sure if I'm just being too sensitive and in a way she's trying to make me aware of my expressions (or lack of). Maybe my no-expression face looks sad or worried? Idk.

What do you think? Bullying or not? How would you react in this situation?

I can understand how it could be perceived as bullying--but I don't believe it's bullying.

I can understand how you could be irritated at people telling you to "smile."

People find it pleasant when someone smiles.

They don't like being with people whom they perceive as being sad.

^ well, fair enough BUT

No one else in the group seems to be smiling either. Why am I always the one singled out for this attention? I have enough difficulties with communication as it is. I don't need them to be highlighted in this way.

I get told to smile by someone I see often.

I get told my regular expression looks upset or somewhat angry. Don't know what to do about that. I can't just smile for no reason. I'm just "blank". I am preoccupied *often*, and I think that's what the problem is. I am always thinking, always concentrating, might be frustrated about what I'm thinking about...not at someone in the room.

When this one particular person tells me to smile, I just give him a fake smile and kind of tilt my head, as in asking "Is that good enough for you?" Of course, it isn't. He doesn't say it much to me anymore. I think he got bored since his efforts to "cheer me up" don't work very well.

We are still quite friendly. I would not say he was bullying me, but he can be a little overbearing (not just to me.)

LOL...it's true what you say, Raleigh---they should smile, too.

I can't dispute with you there!

According to monarchdental.com (I believe they took their information from National Geographic):

In American culture, a smile indicates that we are friendly and the more we smile, the friendlier we must be. It is theorized that since early American society was widely lawless, a smile was necessary in order to show strangers that you were not a threat. However, while smiling is universal, its meaning is not.

Many cultures around the world have widely different meanings from the traditional American smile. In many Asian cultures, smiling for no reason is considered insincere and seems to indicate foolishness. In Russia, it is considered poor taste to smile without a reason, and a constant polite smile is considered a "smile on duty" and shows a person's insincerity and unwillingness to show true emotion. Germany also thinks that Americans smile too much. They save their smiles for moments of true happiness, and will not return a smile they perceive as false.

Thailand considers the smile to be the most appropriate gesture in any given situation, and as such they are the culture that smiles the most.

While people do not understand Aspergers they do tend to understand physical disabilities such as hearing impairment. In general if you say because of hearing impairments you need to concentrate on the speaker rather then smiling I think the explanation would be accepted.

As for your co-worker I am suspicious of bullying do to the repetitive nature of it.

Once in awhile, a woman will "take me under her wing" and steer me toward behavior that is more typical. I think it's best to trust your instinct that this person seems nice and friendly and assume she means well. If the suggestion to smile bothers you, explaining about needing to concentrate because of having trouble hearing should work. But I don't think it makes sense to give her a hard time or consider this bullying when you don't think that's her intent, and while I can see where this could feel invalidating to you, if other people see her as trying to be nice and you act like she's not, you wind up with everyone mad at you....I don't think it's worth it.

I agree it sounds fishy to tell you to smile if nobody else smiles.

The best (and only decent) way I know of to get somebody to smile is to do something that makes them happy. Doesn't sound like they're very good at that.

I just wish people at work could comprehend how difficult it is having several impairments AND trying to function normally AND keep up with everything AND be expected to f*****g smile while I'm doing it.
Sometimes I get so tired of everything I just want to give up.

This is a very common NT complaint, too. I'm not sure if it's bullying, but it is sexism because men are not told to smile like women are told to smile. It's not a social thing; it's a sexist thing.

If she seems friendly all other times then I would suggest discussing this with her in private before doing anything else or determining whether it is bullying or not. You could just say "I do not like when you call me out and tell me to smile because it singles me out, and makes me uncomfortable. You do not do this to others who are not smiling. It is easier for me to concentrate on what is being said when I do not have to try and focus on facial expressions and I should be allowed to determine what facial expressions I do or do not wish to use. Please do not do this again." And, see if it stops. If she keeps doing this maybe arrange to speak with her and a neutral party or employee relations person to try and fix this.

Some things are best let go. Confronting another person is socially dangerous. You should only do it if you feel the issue is worth the potential fallout, which is she acts hurt and you look obnoxious and everyone treats you harshly. Even if she is in the wrong, that often seems to happen.

If you feel you must do something, then since this person seems friendly and supportive, I guess I'd probably assume the best and sort of ask her for help like saying that it's hard to smile when I'm trying to concentrate, does she have a funny story to help me. Or maybe hint that I'm behind so its hard to smile, see if she offers to help, and if she does I'd smile genuinely out of gratitude for the assistance.

I was often told to smile when younger, not often now, but still sometimes. My face often looks "blank" which is often mistaken for unhappy. Usually, I am just concentrating, or lost in thought, or daydreaming, or tired. When younger, my eye brow shape tended to make me look angry, even when I wasn't, and even more so when I was concentrating, as the brows draw together more then. Over many years, I have been working on reshaping my brows to make them less "angry" looking, and also to minimize a tendency to be "clown" shaped brows. I think it has helped fix both those problems, however, the blank look is still taken as "unhappy", but I can't fix that.

Although I am not deaf, I look at lips while conversing with people. I have difficulty looking other people in the eyes. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, and feels so wrong and unnatural. I also find looking at their lips while they speak seems to help me input and process the conversation better.

If someone tells you to smile, just tell them you are not unhappy, just concentrating hard on the conversation because of a hearing impairment.