How do you relate to someone if you have nothing in common?

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corroonb
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19 Sep 2015, 2:11 am

I'm getting to the stage where the only topic of conversation I have is the weather. I have so little in common with people my own age or younger people. I'm not in a relationship, not married. I don't have kids, friends, a full-time job. I don't even feel human sometimes. I try to reach out and connect with people but there's just no common experience. I've probably asked this question before but it's something that really bothers me and I don't know how to change it.

I try to keep up with the news and current affairs but I don't watch TV except for Netflix. I don't like sport but I do follow English soccer. I don't have a special interest either so I can't just chatter about that.



cathylynn
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19 Sep 2015, 2:13 am

ask them questions about their kids and their job and be genuinely interested in their responses.



corroonb
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19 Sep 2015, 2:16 am

I do try that but I feel like I'm interrogating them sometimes. It is a good suggestion though.



Amity
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19 Sep 2015, 2:30 am

Active listening skills (link)can encourage the person to keep talking, without the interrogation feeling.

It is sort of going through the motions, but it has helped me to relate better to people in ways, though I do prefer to listen than talk.



Edna3362
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19 Sep 2015, 3:14 am

I did. And I still do. Especially because I want to learn things.

Except sometimes I feel like I might end up annoying them by asking them too many questions.


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seaweed
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19 Sep 2015, 3:35 am

so it seems like you're having trouble taking your turn in the conversation.

my only advice is to not pretend you're interested/know about/care about something you don't, because being fake is much more off-putting than being boring. you could even talk about how boring you are.



Drawyer
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19 Sep 2015, 4:00 am

Good thing is that you've tried to keep up with the news and current affairs. Use them as core sources of your conversation. Select some light and funny affairs rather than serious or dark. Making some questions and answers from them in advance would be very helpful for a while. Questioning about personal things is bad idea unless you're familiar enough with each other. They should not disclose their personal things until they voluntary want to. Observe them and catch what their interests are..and make some effort studying some of them, say, some you could find useful,interesting for you to know as well. You would need some effort for a while..


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corroonb
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19 Sep 2015, 5:59 am

Drawyer wrote:
Good thing is that you've tried to keep up with the news and current affairs. Use them as core sources of your conversation. Select some light and funny affairs rather than serious or dark. Making some questions and answers from them in advance would be very helpful for a while. Questioning about personal things is bad idea unless you're familiar enough with each other. They should not disclose their personal things until they voluntary want to. Observe them and catch what their interests are..and make some effort studying some of them, say, some you could find useful,interesting for you to know as well. You would need some effort for a while..


Great advice. Thanks.

I think asking personal questions of someone you don't know very well is a bad idea. I've done that before and it doesn't work. Same with personal disclosure to people you don't know that well. It's a difficult balance to strike.



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21 Sep 2015, 9:22 pm

You don't. You've got to find some commonality, or some non-commonality you still care about, otherwise there's pretty much no hope.



Rocket123
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21 Sep 2015, 11:26 pm

starkid wrote:
You don't. You've got to find some commonality, or some non-commonality you still care about, otherwise there's pretty much no hope.

Before I was diagnosed with Asperger’s, I always figured that my “social issues” were caused by a combination of the following:

1) Having limited interests that, by and large, are not interesting to others
...coupled with
2) An inability to relate with others (or, as the OP wrote, having no common experiences)
...coupled with
3) An inability to carry a conversation when I was able find a topic of mutual interest

The people I converse best with are those in the workplace. As we can have focus conversations about work-related things. Still, that does not mean I relate to these people. They are simply means to an end.



Feyokien
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21 Sep 2015, 11:28 pm

starkid wrote:
You don't. You've got to find some commonality, or some non-commonality you still care about, otherwise there's pretty much no hope.

Yup