What kind of coping measures have you learned?

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Here's mine:

Sit in the front row in a crowded place, so I can't see how many people really are there. Learning to just float around groups obsessed with chatter, occasionally smiling and saying "OK" or "That's good." My biggest challenge is someone wanting to make one on one talk, and I am not comfortable with them. It's hard then. I have learned to play a role in public, one that people have come to accept as "me", and I'm just playing a part that I have learned to play. If some of them knew what I really think of them, they would recoil. I find it hardest to talk to people who I trust, but who are not real friends. I tend to forget all my "rules" and open up to them, and eventually realize that they really don't get much of what I am saying.

Non-Aspies seem to always be playing "the game." I've never learned to play it. They say that we can't empathise with others, but I can, if I am given the chance to work it all out. When I trust somebody, I tend to be totally honest, and that seems to be a problem for them. Is it we who have the problem, or is it them? I've been asking myself that question ever since I can remember.

I see people all the time who's first reaction is empathy, and then they begin to scheme after the fact. My first reaction is not empathy, but I can get there after ruminating. And, I will never scheme.

I remember my grandmother. I'm sure my Asperger's came from her side of the family. If she saw someone get killed on the news after trying some stupid stunt, her first reaction was "served the stupid fool right." I hate to say that will be my first response also. My mom was, on the surface, a social person, but she also seemed to be playing a role. She was a junk collector, and it took me and my sister 4 days to clear her apartment out before she died. I used to be a junk collector, but have disciplined myself along those lines. Still, I am always saving something that "may be useful in the future."

The show "Clean Sweep" was an eye opener to me. I got rid of a lot of junk afer watching that show for awhile. The stuff we cling to never seems to have any real logic behind it. As weird as this sounds, it almost seems like an emotional attachment, but one based on odd rationalisations.

Under most circumstances I learned an unusual way of way of playing their little game. It's actually kinda manipulative. I find myself oftern feigning and bluffing, but not often participating. if i'm in a good mood, I hang off to the side and play at being Ambience. Of course if the conversation hits an interest, I change. Hugely open, happy, flexing my understanding and knowledge of the subject like no other. Now for the manipulative part. On occasion, I'll make small comments and try to steer the conversation to something I can relate to. I try(often badly) to mold the conversation to my desires. Doesn't work very well, but it sometimes has results.

sitting in the back row is better for me, if i'm in the front i will assume that theres a bunch of people anyway even if theres not, maybe it just sounds like there is and if im in the back then at least everyone cant see me

ive made too many mistakes with opening up with people. i will have friends and they will become good friends.. and once i start to become comfortable enough with them to talk to them then they freak out.. i figure that they think that i am expecting to get some kind of help from them and they really dont know what to do about me and that i am too much to handle, but all i really want is just for someone to listen and try to understand a little bit... even if they dont understand.. it would be nice to feel accepted by people that i feel close to. eventually it becomes a cycle and now i only open up to people who prove to be accepting of me... i open up slowly, cautiously.. testing the waters until i think its safe... usually motherly types or just older people that dont have to see me too often


ive had the most friends when nobody knew me at all

When I make plans to do something, I make up alternate plans too in case something does wrong and it changes my plans, then I move onto my next plan I had planned out. That avoids anxiety.

When I talk to people, I talk about what interests me. When people are talking like if I’m with my family, I can join in their conversation if they start talking about something I find interesting. I found out this past January that’s what you exactly do, that’s what NTs do and you slowly try to change the topic. I found out also that if you join a social chit chat, you learn lot of things about people when you listen top them talk and you might find interesting topics they are talking about.


I have also learned to be more flexible in my lifetime. I have learned to not listen to people when they talk like when they say what they will be doing and all or when you do sports and the coach says what your team will be doing everyday, I take it as a ‘yeah right’ because they might not mean what they say because the rules might change so if I don’t listen to what people say, I won’t get upset because ‘I was lied to.’
When someone says they are going to do something I don’t take it seriously. It will take people a lot to get me to take them seriously because they have to show me when they say they are going to do something they do it nonetheless lot of the times because they stick to their word and then I will start trusting them and take them seriously.

I have taught myself not to talk about my obsessions all the time. Only talk about my obsessions once to one person, if I want to keep talking about my obsessions, do it to different people, not to the same people. It’s hard at first but it gets easier, same as talking to people when you find something interesting to say or talk about. At work, I find it very interesting how there are lot of employees there who are from other countries so I ask them where they are from and how long have they lived here and been working here, and why they picked the USA and Portland. But I only do it to the ones I can understand.


With eye contact, I would find something on them to look at like at an ugly wart on their face or a pimple or their fatness, or the clothes they’re wearing and I happen to like their outfit or they are wearing something that tracks my attention. Maybe that’s what fake eye contact is. Is it?



I have also taught myself does it matter what order I do things in or what order people are supposed to do something in, does it matter how late I shower. The more I tried dealing with it, less anxiety I got.

I have also taught myself to expect anything to happen, on my days off expect getting called into work. When I make plans, use them as plans for if I don’t get called into work. Expect getting called into work and if I do, I’m not upset because my plans were interrupted by a bad surprise. I have taught myself to make the best of things like working on my days off means more money, make it part of what I’m expecting. Expect it and I won’t get anxiety when I get called into work.

Working in Montana has helped me work on my traits like I have learned when working, expect doing anything at work. I used to get upset when I had to do things that weren’t part of my job. My job was laundry and I get told to vacuum the halls or dust etc and I get anxiety. After awhile I had learned hey at least I am putting in more hours and gaining more work experience and I started to teach myself expect doing anything at work. Expect anything and bam I stopped getting upset about getting an unexpected job or a job that isn’t my job.


If I keep working on things someday I will start scoring in the border NT/AS range and then NT range on the aspie tests. Then pretty soon it be like I am not on the spectrum at all anymore and I had outgrown it.

With big groups, I'll try and find one of my friends. No one in my school has ever really made one-on-one chat with me, or attempted to.

I don't talk very literal, because when I am, I am usually joking.

I bottle up pretty much EVERY emotion and thought I have, so unless I'm trying to figure something out, I'm quiet and withdrawn. This is actually probably a problem, as it leads to me not being able to ask questions.

Eye contact I just look at their mouth, or their uni-brow if they have one.

I still don't cope well with being taken away from what I'm doing mid-task, it's just that annoying.

Life is tough, but I think I can get through it.

I tend to plan the outcome I want and focus on that. If something changes along the way I have to say to myself that it was un-forseen and therefore not possible to plan for; however I can still realise my goal by...(and I re-plan).
I don't do social situations at all if I can help it, so I just stay quiet. If someone does involve me in a conversation, I try to steer it to a topic that I find interesting, or I just prattle on about general knowlage /facts,otherwise I cannot get involved, so I make an excuse to do something (goto the bar/toilet etc.)
I don't go to the cinema much, I like to know the ending first of a book/film so I can follow the plot, and that doesn't work with a multiplex, so I dodn't know about seating.
I like my work because of the uniform. When I put that on, I can also adopt a persona relevant to my work so I dont have to show the real me, and all people see is the uniform first anyway.
I am a little guilable when it comes to people, and view most them as friendly and tend to trust them too quickly until too late. So I try to remain didstant even when I don't want to.
And then there's WP so I can come in here to re-assimilate at the end of the day.

Trust no one,
question everything;
the only person you can rely on is yourself,
answer everything.
No one is who they appear to be,
“truth” and “lie” are meaningless concepts to most;
assume that everyone and everything is masked.
Time isn't relative; yet it is.
A group is far more dangerous and insidious than an individual.
"God" isn't;
death is.
People fear what they can't control;
people try to control you without consent.
Everyone is selfish; everyone is violent.

Keeping myself to myself usually works. That way I can only get angry/annoyed/enraged with myself.

Reading

Petting my cats

Setting goals and working on them.

Working hard to learn social rules.

Not indulging in my obsessions unless I am by myself.

I sit at the back in the corner to help me concentrate
I talk myself to practice speaking
I keep routines to help with anxiety

I stay out of big crowded spaces mainly because I will pass out with no warning if I overload. I can't stand the smells, lights and sounds in grocery stores and places like Home Depot anyway. It's been years since I've been in either.

I found a profession that is mostly silent and alone and I stick with it. I've been pushed into management over and over and I always just leave. What I find is that well meaning NT bosses think they can reward my work by helping me climb the ladder. I've just been blunt with them and told them I'm completely antisocial, I do as much teamwork as I can take and if they change my role I'll quit. Then, if they change my role, I quit. Despite that I've managed to be at companies for years. If you find something you are really good at (by their terms and not yours) and you impact the company bottom line (and they know it), you can survive on your own terms if those are leave me alone and let me do my job. You do have to find a job suited to you though and that is critical. If you don't like talking or being around people, don't even look at those jobs or professions. You'll hate them and be miserable. I'm a writer and most of my contact with people is by phone or net meeting. I rarely work with people on site so the face-to-face contact is rare. My phone and net meeting contact is very limited. There is some email. It's an Aspie dream.

I become friends with people who share my interests. I don't have friends who chit chat. They are all NTs but one and we only get together to discuss our interests. I haven't had trouble finding these people and I usually meet them in places where we are there for our special interest, but I've also run into them at work. I don't do chitchat at work or in public.

In school my teachers took that over and built a separate curriculum for me then sent me to the library with it. I had about a double load from everyone else, but I needed that because I was always bored.

My special interests are usually shared with a select few including my husband. I don't talk about them with the general public.

I have no advice for dating other than get some NT friends to take care of it for you. That's what happened to me and they found me an old boyfriend who found my husband for me. NTs like to network and I just went along for the ride.

When it comes to romantic partners, go for logic and not emotion. Pick someone who shares your interests, your values and a similar lifestyle. Whatever you do, do not look for your opposite because you won't be able to stand to live with them over time. Look for someone who calms you, not someone who makes you nervous or agitated. Stick to calm people and not volatile ones. Stay AWAY from anyone who tries to change you, especially when it comes to socializing or interests. That will end in disaster. I do not advocate pretending to be NT to date. You are only going to meet people who are incompatible with you. Go to places where your interests are shared with people and meet people there. You'll have a much better start and foundation. Most of all, if they irritate you at the beginning, know that it will only get worse as it goes on. People tend to be on their best behavior at first and to relax and be more themselves as time goes on. That irritating behavior will show up more as they relax. You can see that, so when you do, get out.

Most of all the biggest coping mechanism you will ever find is taking control of your own life and happiness. If something does not work, figure out why and change accordingly. If you hate your job because it requires too much people contact, start researching careers that don't require much people contact. There are plenty of them that pay well. Don't trap yourself. You can apply that to everything. Take responsibility for yourself. Don't wait on anyone else to do it for you. It's better to have two friends you enjoy than 20 that drive you crazy. It's better to find one person who makes you calm, happy and shares your interests than it is to date 25 you can't stand.

Forget what works for NTs. These rules do not apply. Figure out what works for you and do it. No one else's opinion matters because they aren't living your life.

Mine is sort of a combination of what elaich and RadiationHazard posted. I tend to do the best with either older people, most notably those with the "motherly" nature as someone else put it, or I also do well with children, typically 5-10, who are intrigued by my childlike nature. The latter often take a liking to me because I will relate to them, and when I have the spare time, play as they do. Then they will sort of "outgrow" me and will sort of disappear from my radar, so to speak, as they enter the judgemental age range of roughly 12 to 35.

Crowded places only get to me if I have to deal with the people directly. I'm OK in stores and malls because I tend to focus only on the items and objects. When I am walking I often focus only above the people's heads or at the floor directly in front of me. When I get to the area I'm headed to I get absorbed enough in the objects on the shelves that I don't really notice the other people. When I do have to deal with the other people, such as to avoid running into them etc., I sort of treat them as obstacles and just navigate my way through or around them. That way I do not pick up on their emotions and thus are not affected by them. In checkout lines I fiddle with the objects I am about to purchase so I don't start interacting with others in line. If the line is more than about three people I will simply put my item(s) down and leave.

In movie theaters I pick a spot, usually near the middle row and near the aisle, that doesn't have any other people sitting there. Then I simply focus on the screen and tune the other people out. Again I get absorbed in what I came for and only notice the other people to a minimal extent.

It seems harsh, but by making the crowd inanimate in my mind, I do not pick up on their emotions and thus do not feel compelled to react to them.

I have extensive scripts for social interactions and just use the appropriate script when needed. I have a mental checklist of things to remember when meeting new people and an array of socially appropriate responses. My social program keeps growing with new (if, then, else) routines.

Ear plugs when I go to places that will be loud.
Leave the room when its gets too loud for me
When meeting someone at a certain time, remember it might not be on the nose so show up early in case that other person shows up too on time and wait about a half hour past the meeting time before I leave if the person never shows up. Bring your phone with you in case the person needs to call you or in case you need to call the person finding out where he or she is at. And also expect the perosn might not show up.
If you don't feel like chatting to someone, tell them you need to get going so that they will leave you alone and you aren't being rude just by walking away.

I've taught myself to not be able to feel emotions and physical pain period.