Where do I start...??

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I guess the beginning is always the best place...
I met my partner nearly 7 years ago. I had been separated from my husband 2 years and was living in France. My partner is French. At first he was wonderful. Fussed over me, looked after me, used all these lovely terms of endearment when speaking to me. I soaked it all up like a sponge. He was living 3 hours away and as he spent more and more time with me we decided that he move closer. He found an appartment and he moved up. He never spent one night in the place. He never even unpacked the boxes. At first I flattered myself that he just wanted to be with me. i saw what i wanted to see. Time went on and I said it was ridiculous to be paying out rent and charges for somewhere he wasn't living, so he gave up the place and moved in with me. As he began to feel more settled, things began to change.

He became more assertive (but only with us)
He had a need to touch something soft if he was stressed
He made lists...everywhere about everything
He needed the house to be clean...all the time ( I have kids and pets!! ! )
He needed projects
He would speak harshly to my children but didn't understand if I didn't like it
He had meltdowns (which bloody terrified me)
He was jealous if I went out
He doesn't like socialising
He doesn't like having to deal with people or too many people
He doesn't seem that bothered about the physical side of our relationship and only makes a real effort when I get annoyed.
He rarely takes me out to dinner
If we argue, I can NEVER get a word in. He just goes on and on and on
Same if he starts talking about something that interests him. He goes on and on and on.
He doesn't do smalltalk
He doesn't tell me what's going on in his life
He has a string a short contracts (work) We can't move forward together.
His voice changes tone (becomes high pitched and whiny)
He sings to himself (whiny) if he gets stressed
He can be aggressive when stressed
He is facinated by porn ! !!
He is constantly cleaning
He will not use my name and refers to himself in the third person all the time
He only ever seems to speak to his family when he needs something, not just to say hi, how are you ?
He gets cross if plans change at the last minute
My family began saying that his affectionate behaviour seemed "false" but i ignored them, even thinking them jealous at one point
I could go on...

When I was talking to friends of mine, because I felt wrong footed all the time, they said they believed him to be Aspergers. One is a psychologist, the other a retired headteacher who worked with children with learning difficulties. I didn't know what to do. I looked it all up on the Internet and my god, it explained everything. I was soooo relieved. I broached the subject with him and got him to do an online assessment. He wasn't really sure what he was doing and after told me he thought is was some kind of compatibilty test. Anyway, it showed Aspergers although he hadn't answered all of the questions. He wouldn't talk about it after that. I have tried for the last 18 months or so to live with it but his behaviour is so hurtful to me. I try to understand that it's not meant that way but it doesn't help. I told him ver clearly at the start of our relationship what I needed. I am a romantic. I like spontaneity. Romantic gestures. I like cuddles. I like to lie in at the week-ends, cuddle up and chat. I enjoy the physical side ! !! I like to go out. Most of all, I told him about my past and the fact that I hadn't done much apart from marry and have a family and now I want a life. If I have to get him to write down a day of the week when he remembers to say "I love you", it's just not going to cut it for me. It feels so false. He just doesn't get it when I become upset. He gets angry and throws it all back on me.
The last time we had a major row and I asked him to leave, he said he was going to kill himself. When I texted him to say I was calling his parents, he came back. I care about this man but I'm not sure I love him anymore and that makes me feel awful. There have been times when he has been there for me but it comes in fits and starts and he chooses what he will or won't help with. I don't think I can do this anymore but I am so exhausted, I'm not sure I can cope with getting him to leave either...

Tony Attwood has posted rows of videos on Youtube. He touches many of your problems in the series, "Doctor Attwood..." on Autism speaks. There are some lectures by him too.
You may get some tools and approaches there....understand a few Things more, before you decide, what to do.

Your husband may have changed and apparently become more autistic, because the strain/anxiety from of the more complicated social demands in a marriage/close relationship has made him lose control over his symptoms. Aspergers is primarily a social handicap.
He hasn´t ever been dxéd, so he has pulled of his battle alone and learned to ACT normal. He has probably been critisized a lot growing up, so the last thing, he wants to hear is, that he isn´t exactly like any other man.

Try listening to Doc Attwood first.
Write him....?

You could have John Elder Robesons book, "Be different", lying around , sort of casually.
I you don´t allready know, Robeson is a technician, now author and was dxéd in his fourties. He worked as special effects man with Kiss and writes about his life in a light and humorous style.
You might like it too.

Thank you for your reply. I will take a look...

It does sound like its Aspergers and I can believe he seems worse due to the stresses he's under (which don't seem stressful to you but to him are). For example I don't clean because I can't handle it getting messy. But I can live with the mess. If he can't live with the mess, the constant tidying would be stressful I would think.

Anyway, you can't just go back in time I guess - can you make more space for him? Is there a room in the house he could have. Are there other ways you could manage the Aspergers?

I know myself I am a different person when the kids aren't around. As they've gotten older and bedtimes later my Aspergers is more prevalent and its because I need time alone with my husband which is getting harder to find.

There are a few blogs/sites for NTs with Aspie partners you might find those helpful too.

It doesn't help that he refuses to believe he is Aspergers or even get it checked. He thinks he is right ! ! He is making our lives miserable. We have good moments but then it all collapses around us, probably because I crack and can't take anymore. I can't say that I blame him for not wanting a diagnosis, the way they treat mental health here in France. He has made me feel like crap (I'm sure not deliberately). I feel wrong footed as a partner, and as a mother thanks to his criticism. Whenever I try to say "but you do this and I'd like you to stop because it hurts my feelings" he just throws it back on me because I want want want all the time. I can't see a future together. This is not what I want at all. I have been accused of being a bad mum, a demanding partner, and my fidelity has been questioned more than once. I don't feel like he is on my side, at all. If we row, he sides with the chidren. They become his new best friends. When we are OK, he either ignores them or talks to them badly. He is totally incapable of having a good relationship with all of us at the same time. What this means is that there is ALWAYS some form of stressful atmosphere in the house. I feel so guilty for feeling like this. He is not a bad man. He does alot around the house/garden. I didn't sign up for a gardener/housekeeper I want a partner. Someone to share my life with. It's like living in the same house in different dimensions. Passing in the same space but never really touching/connecting...I miss that connection with someone...I need it. I can't get him to understand that. I don't feel like he loves me, it's more like he needs me. Given the things that he has said about me and my children, frankly no normal man would have remained in a relationship like that, where you have no ties ie kids aren't yours, not financial ties. All the real responsibilities are mine. Frankly, a normal man would have walked away a long time ago if we are as bad as all that. But he stays. So now I am asking myself why...?

the jealousy and aggressiveness when angry are not part of asperger's and are red flags that this could turn out to be a very abusive relationship. consider getting out.

Well, he can´t understand your need for connection, because his idea of connection is different and being autistic, he has difficulty picturing what it must be like to be you.
Actually he sounds pretty severe.

He is a "gardener and a housekeeper", because it is his way of dealing with being around others and his idea of contributing - the practical way.
He sounds like a very Black&white thinker: Either he is on good terms with one part OR with the other. Others are either good or bad objects in his world.
It must be stressful for your children as well.

Don´t feel guilty and don´t let the accusations get you Down.
You might suggest a period away from each other. It would give you some Peace and quiet - and time to Work Things out for yourself.

Have suggested separation several times now but he won't budge. He can be so critical that it really makes me wonder why he is with me...

He won´t budge, he is over-critical of you - and you wonder why he is with you......hmmm,- maybe you should stop suggesting and simply move out, because you choose to. See, what he thinks about that.
Of course, none of us here can know anything really, but to me it sounds as if you are losing self confidence.
Nobody can preserve themselves under so much critizism.

If you don't mind me asking, is he younger or older than you?

It sounds like he does have Aspergers and if he was single for a while before meeting you- moving in with a partner and her children can seem very daunting for a person who is autistic.

I agree in that you should stop suggesting and be a little bolder and tell him that it is over. People on the AS usually think in black and white and it is sometimes hard for them to take hints. You just need to tell him how it is going to go and then he can form a game plan on how he is going to proceed with moving out. Directness is the key. If you need a partner and he is only acting as a housekeeper, then there is no reason to keep it going on. Make sure you take all the necessary precautions though. Make sure your finances are in order if you are planning to move, or make sure to give him a deadline in which he has to move.

Best of luck!

It´ll be better for the children as well.

You are experiencing the classic seven year itch. Think carefully before you make any permanent decisions. Please don't rely on advice from people on a website who have never met you or your partner.



Yes this is a huge factor. And France has some horrible attitudes towards autism in particular.

He probably wouldn't even begin to feel comfortable addressing it, unless something in his environment changes. That would mean having people around him who are accepting and supportive enough to mitigate the effects of the culture you both live in. It doesn't sound like he has that right now.

You deserve peace. Your children deserve peace. From all you've written, I think you've been extremely patient, open-minded, sensitive, and committed to doing all you can to make this situation with your partner work. But he has to want help. He has to admit he needs help. Unless and until that happens, nothing you do will make things better.

As an aspie myself struggling to figure out living with others without making myself or them miserable, please, please consider moving yourself and your kids to a better situation! If you're in this much distress, I can only imagine your kids are in as much so or worse. They don't have the power to be done with this. You do.

Your partner definitely sounds like an aspie to me. An extremely stressed aspie who hasn't developed good self-help strategies. Despite the commonality of AS and some of the more positive things associated with it, it's The Real Darn Thing so far as serious medical and psychiatric conditions go. This is a real illness with real consequences for the person suffering and for those around them. Untreated, especially when subjected to so much stress, it can get out of control in exactly the way you're seeing in your partner. You can't fix that by yourself. Even if he wants help, you can't fix him by yourself. This is something a professional has to do, working with both of you and probably the kids too. If he isn't willing to engage that process, there's nothing you can do.

Of course it's soul-wrenching to walk away from someone you care about and know to be a good person, especially with history between you and knowing much of his behavior comes from factors beyond his control, but it's clearly taking over your life and identity.

I speak also as someone who once lost years of his life caring for a deeply troubled loved one. I kept telling myself, they have no one else...it's my responsibility to do this...they can't make it if I walk away...and years later, after attempting suicide to get away from it because I had drifted into such anxiety and despair no longer seeing any clear future for myself, I ... snapped. I walked away. I explained things as clearly as I could to my loved one, offered to assist with any kind of help they sought so long as I wasn't the one giving it, and I took my life back. This person is still alive and is in fact doing better because the shock of my walking away was enough to shake things loose so far as realizing a need for help beyond a personal caretaker ill-equipped to ease their particular set of issues.

That's why your post scares me, seeing your level of distress. My reaction to helping someone like that was on the extreme side, but it isn't the rarest reaction... I'm not the only one I know who's been driven to that, or nearly so, after years of constant extreme stress building. Especially with all the criticism and mistreatment! The loved one in question was viciously critical. Nothing I offered was enough. Even getting a food request wrong - like forgetting the salt, which would have taken all of a few seconds to add - drew hateful remarks about my character. It wasn't just having to spend so much time helping. It was the abuse that went with it. Abuse I made all kinds of excuses for because the person in question had a condition that explained it.

Your partner may not understand he's being abusive, but based on your reactions his behavior most certainly is. This may be hard for people to understand who've never seen abuse or had to live in it. Abuse isn't always physical. It can be verbal, emotional, psychological. I've experienced both...and I think the verbal kind hurts worst. Bruises heal. Words cut to the core. Even if it isn't abuse, it's harmful to you; it's steadily reducing your ability to care for yourself, your kids, and probably him too since so much of your energy is eaten by the toll it takes.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You are clearly a caring, loving person trying very hard to help someone in need. He may have his reasons. They may be medically legitimate. That does not excuse his behavior toward you, his refusal to engage help, or his threatening self-harm when you threaten to leave. You are not responsible for his life.

I know this situation and what others say to you about it is overwhelming, impossible to sort through. I know that because I've been in similar. I had a hard time listening to friends who laid out what was happening to me and that it wasn't my personal responsibility to ensure the complete happiness and ease of life for this other person. I yelled at more than one of them. It took breaking, completely, before I saw what needed to happen.

I sincerely hope that isn't what it takes for you. Especially with kids involved. You're a mother. I'd bet something I care about that you're a good mother, since your ability to show so much care and concern for your partner probably points to a caring, sensitive person in general. Focus on helping the people you can help, such as your kids. You may leave, but you don't have to vanish. If somehow your partner sees he needs help and makes the effort to get it, you can decide to come back and assist. Work out a plan with people you trust. Ask them to help you stick to it. Ask them to help you find resources for your partner so that if he changes his mind about getting help he knows where to go.

France may be terrible at handling AS, but you said one of the friends you spoke with is a psychologist and the other has worked with learning-disabled kids. Clearly there are still people who understand these things and could help, though it may take some effort to find them. All societies have an awful stigma around various things. This is terrible, but it doesn't mean you should sacrifice your time and sanity being the sole bastion of support for this man.

I agree with those who say don't take big actions based on what people on the Internet say. So I've said all this as a perspective to consider along with other sources. I sincerely hope you find a resolution for this situation, one that helps all of you. If you can't, please, at least help yourself and your kids.

Thank you all so much for your replies, particularly the last one. I thought I was going mad, imagining it all. I need to have a really good think about the best way to move forward, that's clear. It's definitely not seven year itch as this has been going on a while. The trouble is, when it's good, it's good and I get swept up in those lovely feelings but it seems like he is not capable of maintaining it for too long and then I feel so let down and frankly, alone. I think, at some point we are going to have to separate, even if we continue to see each other. At least the pressure will be off...You have all been so lovely, I can't thank you enough.