Telling non-aspies not to engage me - suggestions?

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Does anyone have any suggestions in regards to tried and proven methods for telling non-aspies (seems derogatory) not to engage me or to feel obligated to say anything to me or touch me or include me...ever? Ideally if it's categorized in a matrix based on demographics such as age (children, teenagers, adults), blue collar vs white collar, etc. would be very helpful. The scenarios are purely social in nature and even though my wife of 20+years typically addresses it for me and runs interference she asked if I could explore a less abrasive approach in her absence. And although my current approach achieves the desired outcome, I promised to investigate.

Career-wise there are no issues as I work with other PhDs in Physics and Advanced Technology who are all like me but are also interested in experiences and suggestions from others.

And because I've seen other material that suggests that people with Aspergers are depressed and have anxiety, that's not me so this isn't a cry for help. I just want to minimize the times I embarrass my wife. thanks in advance

Carry a book around you, and read that book. People are usually polite enough not to "engage" someone when the person is reading.

Or carry headphones. People don't usually approach people who are listening to music.

Thanks, but isn't that just side stepping the issue rather than addressing it? Although I have considered taking a page from the hearing impaired in carrying a card, lamented of course with antimicrobial protection from Agion Technologies, that I could just hand over to new meat sacks.

I don't know what wording to use or anything else, but perhaps explaining (ok, "claiming" might be more accurate) it's an ongoing experiment that absolutely requires these conditions being met would be helpful.

Seems more like something that would keep them from engaging you in the first place, so you don't have to hand out a card or come up with a diplomatic way to tell them to buzz off. For me it's my phone. Usually no one bugs when I'm looking at my phone.

Tell them the semi-truth, that you're autistic and would really prefer not to converse as it taxes you hard, limiting your ability to work efficiently/effectively.

I guess I'm assuming you're talking about people who you come into contact with on a regular basis, not random strangers. Being busy with a book on a train will work, or playing with your phone while in a waiting room or something, sure. but if you're talking about everyday workplace interactions or interacting with people you will be seeing regularly like neighbors, mailman, etc, then that's when you need a different approach where you deal with it once and for all.

My assumption was that you wanted a single approach for addressing this once with people and then the rest of the times you see them you won't have to worry about it because it'll be dealt with. Hence, my experiment suggestion. That would work with co-workers, people at a weekly religious or hobby event, cashiers at supermarkets who are always there when you are, or whatever. And then, too, they'll pass on the word (like if a new co-worker is hired someone will surely tell them "oh don't bother talking to that guy over there, he's doing a social experiment where he only engages if he initiates himself, so you're best off just waiting to see if he ever comes up to you and says something").

Then again there's the bracelet thing. One side says "Open to social contact" and is green. The other side says "please do not approach me right now" and is red.

Or something like that.

I'm having a similar problem. This guy always tries to engage with me. In a way I like that because I could learn how to make friends but it's so so difficult. I always wear headphones and read books but it doesn't stop him lol. I think I will say that I'm shy.

I don't know about in your case. Maybe you must tell the semi-truth. Or say that your a private person?

I like the braclet idea or the pretend social experiment idea too.

Your dilemma doesn't have a solution that would satisfy 'forever'. You want to control how other people interact with you, but that just isn't possible. Today, I had earbuds playing music, large red noise blocking headphones (to block traffic noise), a cloth covering my face, and a hat. 3 people tried getting my attention (for no good reason), even though I was clearly not interested in being interrupted. There just isn't a way to make people leave you alone, unless you are willing to become someone who is known to yell at people if they speak to you. That would defeat your goal of not wanting to embarrass your wife though. I just can't see a way to force people to keep to themselves -- especially non-AS people. I don't think they can help themselves. I almost feel bad for them ... almost.

People wearing those white surgical masks around don't seem to get bothered too often. People either are germophobes and stay away trying not to get sick, or presume the wearers are immune-compromised and stay away to try to not get them sick. That might be another idea for some people in some circumstances, but I don't know how realistic it is in others.

I agree that you can't really control what others do. At the same time, I agree with the book suggestion given above. It "speaks NT language" as it is a definite social cue that you are not to be disturbed. Sure, a few people will attempt to disturb you anyway (even some NTs are pretty socially clueless), but overall, it should be a good tool.

I don't think that would be being false or indirect. Rather, it's similar to going to Russia and speaking Russian rather than English. You're out in the predominantly NT world. You know what you want, but will better communicate it if you use understandable "language" (i.e. the symbolism of being busy with your attention focused elsewhere rather than attempting to be social).

But yeah, I doubt there's one tried-and-true way to "just" have autistic people engage you, and have NTs ignore you. If someone insists on being social and you don't want to, even after having calmly stated that right now, you don't wish to talk, then that person is crossing boundaries and you are fully within your rights to get more firm - IOW, at that point, politeness doesn't count as much, as it's the other person who's acting inappropriately. Hope that makes sense the way I stated it. Not sure it does but I hope so.

You can give other cues as well. Turn your body slightly away from rather than toward people. Don't make much eye contact. (Indeed, some autistic general characteristics lend themselves to NTs not wanting to engage much anyway, as the autistic people isn't giving the "I'm open to communicating" cues.)

But if you really want to, sure, you can outright state from the get-go, "I'm autistic and I only speak to autistic people." Some people may be offended but if that's what you really want to do, it's no as if you're performing a criminal act or anything by doing so. Really it's up to you how to get people to not talk to you. If you don't want to have anything to do with the person, you probably aren't too concerned about how s/he feels about you anyway so it shouldn't matter very much. JMO.

Oh, one more thing to be aware of: part of why your wife feels you're being abrasive may be not only your delivery but what you're asking of people. Turn it around and imagine, say, asking for directions and having the person say to you calmly, "I'm sorry, but I'm not autistic and I don't wish to engage with people who are autistic" and you'll see what I mean.

I would kind of like to dream up something like that myself. I have never found a book to work. Ever, ever, ever. Lately in my life, especially, NOTHING works. People start talking to me all the time, and it doesn't matter what the hell I do.

I've:

Had my entire face practically buried in my book, plus wearing a frown of concentration.

Had my face stuck against a professional-looking DSLR camera, intently trained on close-by wildlife waiting for a perfect moment in some behavior of theirs (so it's not like the person couldn't see my subject or wondered if I was just focusing on nothing important or specific).

Had my phone out and was even talking into it or texting, head down.

Been videoing wildlife with a camera (not a phone) and been capturing some interesting behavior that musn't be disturbed or interrupted while I catch this footage.

In all of these scenarios, somebody has unfailingly walked right up to me and launched into a conversation.

I've spent sleepless nights wondering how to say to them that I can't carry on doing what I'm busy doing and also hold a conversation with them. I don't believe most people would even understand that, as most people seem to be able to do exactly that. I can't multi-task, and in the case of wildlife photography, wildlife videoing, and reading a book, it's especially disruptive for someone to barge in on that.

Yet they do that to me ALL the time. My last four videos in a row that I tried to shoot, with audio important also as that was one of the things I needed to capture, were ruined by some doofus walking up and starting to talk all over my video footage.

I don't know how much clearer it could be that I don't want to be disturbed, engaged with or interrupted, but they do it anyway. I truly don't believe anyone has any of the older manners or sense of consideration anymore -- not in my city, anyway.

Sorry, bit of a venting session there. I still don't know how to say I want to be left alone relatively nicely.

People piss me off, but still, isn't it a bit awful to refer to them as "meat sacks"? I get annoyed with people too but that's not a nice thing to call anyone.

^ Rudeness exists in the NT world. So does social cluelessness. When that happens, the person is being intrusive. I personally (if I didn't want to talk to the person) start by politely saying, "I'm sorry, I'm busy right now and can't talk" and then if the person continued, would feel fully within my rights to get up and walk away. In that case I wouldn't feel I was being rude. Rather, I'd feel I was protecting myself from (an almost shocking degree of) rudeness.

Good advice, NowhereWoman -- I want to do this. I do need to practice though; for some reason I can't even get those words out in the actual moment this happens. It's funny but it's like I'm repeatedly shocked at the rudeness! You'd think I'd be accustomed to it by now, but I still get caught out like a deer in headlights.

I want to practice those simple few words though -- they are "it" in a nutshell and should normally do the trick.

Hmm. This may sound silly, but what about cards? You know those cards that some people hand out, "I am autistic...I am not being bad," etc. - I've never been too fond of the wording on those, TBH, but they're the example that comes to mind as far as the actual action of handing out a card. Maybe make up some cards that say something like, "Hello! I am not being rude by ignoring you. I am autistic and right now my needs are that I be quiet and not have any conversation. Thank you for understanding." That's rushed and probably not the wording you'd want to use exactly but you get the idea.