People laughing when you explain your AS

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Have you ever had this ??

To tell somebody of your Aspergers and how it affects you, and how certain things are unintentional, you're not trying to be rude by asking somebody directly if they really meant Y rather than X, etc, etc... then your spill-out statement is met with a mocking laugh, maybe sometimes with the other person shaking their head or casting it downward with one or two hands on their head...I've certainly gotten this. I only ask it when in certain environments and when feeling pushed to do so: like at work, or shared living situation, or neighbourhood, or volunteer situation or classroom etc...I sure as heck wouldn't randomly ask it based on a chance conversation with someone on the bus or in the grocery store.

To us, this reaction seems totally repugnant and hypocritical; it's difficult for the Asperger mind to reconcile when we're constantly told that we need to consider the feelings of others before responding the way we do with our pervasive sense of fairness and egalitarianism, we see their response as a lack of a two-way street in building mutual understanding and empathy. It devolves into an Israeli-Palestinian-like situation, basically.

As an aside, I remember over four years ago when I was at a job-search group for people in the CS/IT field, and there was one guy in his 30s who spoke with a high-pitched squeaky voice which seemed totally unnatural but then it dawned on me that he might have had throat cancer or something of the sort, and there were complications from surgery. NOBODY laughed when he spoke, nobody asked him what was wrong or why he was "like that".
So naturally, I wondered why the hell nobody seemed to have the decency to do that for somebody who has AS; if anything, other people would be encouraged to join in the laughter and mockery.

I felt really bad for the guy because he'd fare much less well in a phone interview than I ever would.

But I digress: the point is, the other person choosing to laugh at us clearly exhibits poor impulse control. I suspect though, if I evaluate the emotions here a little more objectively, that the person is not laughing to be flippant but perhaps doing so out of frustration. Doesn't make it any less appropriate though.

One response you could use to try to shut them down and make them realize the inappropriateness of the reaction is to say, "OK, well clearly this a sensitive topic, maybe it's best if we don't discus it any further." As let's face it, anything that's perceived as "mental illness" = "big time taboo" so the person's seemingly flippant reaction may reflect some of this attitude. Or it could be frustration at your "making excuses". But by responding in this manner, you subtly come across as indignant to them as well you should, since if anyone should feel uncomfortable being questioned about the topic, it's YOU.

You could also ask "Why are you laughing?!??" in an annoyed but not overly aggressive tone - just don't say it in a clueless, deer-in-the-headlights kind of way, it has to sound rhetorical and indignant.

I don't get that because I am not diagnosed, however, with people whom I thought I could trust, people whom I thought were friends, I have opened up a little more and when I tell them that I am pretty sure I am on the spectrum, they pretty much ignore it. In fact, after a while, they stop talking to me. Funny thing is, that they all claim to love my son, they all claim that he's just perfect even with his quirks, but when it comes to an adult, they don't.

As far as the empathy, how people respond, etc. I have spoken to my son's speech therapist a few times when she talks about things that my kiddo needs to learn related to how to socialize, etc. She is great, I love her because she actually does listen. Quite a few times I will tell her, "it's interesting you say that he should do X, but none of the kids who are neurotypical that we know do that, in fact they do Y"...she just looks at me and says "hmmm that's interesting, you are right, I have seen that...let me think about this" Again, she is amazing, not like others who won't listen. She of course studied a lot of this and just recites what she was told needed to be done, but once we talk she is very willing to change her views or question all the BS she was taught.

I don't tell people. It will not make them nicer. People here are too immature to be curtious to their own family and friends. I think they would enjoy harassing me even more if they knew. It is so backwards; I live in a place that loves their guns and the Confederate flag -- even the educated ones. Not everyone does, but enough to make me ashamed I am living among them without having any way to change anything. I'm living similar to when the Nazi people took over Germany. There were likely many who were not at all in agreement with their view, but had no recourse against them without being killed.

I agree tall-p. Spilling your guts isn't useful unless it is to help someone through a similar situation -- but you should have a happy ending to tell them or they might feel worse. There is a saying I was taught -- be ashamed if you are not part of the solution, which makes you part of the problem.

It's not something I'm inclined to see as an explanation, at least not in the most factual sense. I've only emphatically mentioned it to one person ever. I'm also not in the habit of displaying indignation unless someone's singled me out & actually gotten out of line. That way, I'm calm enough to take stock of who exactly takes me seriously.

Better to let the schadenfreude boil over into the rest of their minds than to dignify mockery with a response.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Wow, I'm so sorry they did that to you! I think about advocacy and how people should be more open and accepting of others, but then I hear about things like this. This is also why I never tell anyone ever really. Unless it becomes an issue and I can't mask my aspieness enough and they are like- wtf is wrong with you? I then succinctly give a brief-practiced- explanation and make sure to try extra hard to mask around that person afterwards... overall exhausting, BUT whatcha gonna do.
Only after people have gotten used to my quirkiness do I let the guard down so-to-speak and honestly mostly not even then. Just not worth it.

I've had more aspie friends that when they met my family were mocked and derided mercilessly and cruelly behind their backs, and I just kept them oblivious to it and was very cross with those people for a very long time- we don't talk much so it isn't an issue, but STILL the thought that people are this cruel over something someone can't help... well it makes me sad.

Is it possible that you accidentally hurt this other person's feelings? That they misunderstood something you said or attributed you looking uncomfortable to being around them? Something like that?

I'm wondering because that kind of reaction sounds spiteful. As if the other person felt slighted and was trying to get back at you.

I don't tell people I have it and from my own experience online, it changes nothing. I can understand that autism isn't a get out of free jail card and it's the internet so anyone could be claiming they are Asperger's or autistic and they don't know if I am lying about it or not. Also with the stigma about the self diagnosed, they could be assuming I am just self diagnosed.

I had one encounter online when I was about 18. I had an aspie friend online and one day he was talking to me about his weight and I asked him if he was fat. Then he wasn't online again and I had no idea he blocked me until he told me so in a yahoo group when i was writing about being harassed online by someone who was claiming to be aspie. But I was hurt that he would even think I was being rude or insensitive when one of the characteristics of AS is saying inappropriate things and not realizing how it will be interpreted or come off as. How could he think I would do this intentionally if he was aware of my condition? But anyway that misunderstanding destroyed our friendship even though we made amends and were friends again but things were not the same because I was always afraid to offend him again and not being understood. I learned the hard way that having AS and talking to other aspies does not mean they will understand you or give you the benefit of the doubt. But it's the internet so maybe that doesn't count.

It really is pointless to tell someone but sometimes you do to hope they will understand and that things change between you two so it can be worth the gamble. I say the only positive change I have had online with telling someone is when they were as*holes and then they ask me what kind of mental problem do I have so I tell them "Asperger's" and they tell me I am so stupid and they sign off.

So sorry this happened to you. I would feel really upset if it happened to me.
And as an aside just so you know, a male with a high voice is usually what we call a counter tenor in music terms. It just means he has more slender vocal chords. It's the rarest of the operatic voices, (soprano, mezzo-soprano, contralto, counter tenor, tenor, bass) basically it's a male soprano. So most likely he does not have cancer, he was just born with slender vocal chords.

very typical response.

just like when I hear people say that ADD and autism aren't real and are just the result of bratty/selfish people that needed to be and I quote "smacked around more as kids".

yeah, if i only i could apply that rule to adults as well