How to get along with medical doctors?

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I have a lifelong fear/hatred/paranoia of medical doctors, which I really want to overcome.

It seems like doctors play more 'ego games' than any other sector of society, and since I unintentionally fail to stroke their egos, they treat me like crap. I can't read facial expressions, so I don't know for certain if they're angry with me, or what I said wrong, but I just have a lifelong history of bad doctor/patient relationships.

Does anyone here have a good relationship with their doctor? I want to believe that it's possible!

Listen to them, don't correct them, and just basically seem like you want their advice? There have been times where, in my head, I've thought "well that's wrong" but I don't say it. If you avoid arguing then they won't have any reason to hate you and they'll be happier. Beyond that basic advice I'm pretty clueless but I've yet to piss any of them off and that's my technique so take it as you will. I just stay quiet and let them ask the questions. Maybe they like control? Who knows?

It's pretty darn important to have a primary care doctor you can relate to. All the specialists, though, you aren't going to have as much of a relationship with. You should treat them with respect, even if you disagree with something, and don't waste their time. It's all right to ask questions, but not compulsively because then you will run out of the time they have allotted to you. Do not challenge their authority.

With your primary care doctor, this person should like you and you like them, or else please keep looking for someone else. Aside from a romantic relationship and a mentor at work, this may be the most consequential relationship you have! They can make your life easy or make it hell, so please look for one you can relate to.

The woman I see currently as a primary care physician is cheerful, smart, empathetic, and cooperative. It has made my life easier in so many ways. For instance, if you need workplace accommodations or evidence for a disability claim, this person has to be on your side, or they can screw you over badly.

So I advise you start out with a relationship with your primary care doctor to improve your experiences with the medical profession. Good luck, I don't think this is something that is quickly learned but with time, you will learn it.

If you have a doubt or there is something important that is worring you, i think is better to apologise than ask permision. If you dont understand an instruction, it will be harder to follow the treatment. Is better to talk too much than too little, because if there is an important symptom that passed unnoticed to the doctor, could mean a wrong diagnosis and so on.
Finally, no doctor has the right to treat you disrespectfully.

Thanks everyone... I am going to try my very hardest to be super polite and respectful!

My problem is that they never seem to believe what I write on my initial 'patient intake' questionnaire. It usually asks about previous diagnoses, symptoms, and medication allergies - which I try to fill out truthfully. But then it seems like they don't believe me. They tell me no one could possibly be allergic to 3 different types of antibiotics, that Lyme Disease doesn't exist, and now I'm worried if I say I've been diagnosed with Asperger's, they'll think I'm even more of an attention-seeking hypochondriac.

And yet, if I lie... What good will that do, to have a doctor who doesn't know my medical history, or what conditions I struggle with on a daily basis? If I go in there with an agenda, they'll be suspicious of me - and yet I do have an agenda, in that I'm not functional enough to go to jury duty, and need a doctor's note. Yet if I say that, they'll do everything in their power to prove there's nothing wrong with me, and that I'm just a pathetic loser.

This doesn't have to happen right away (no jury summons at the moment, but I usually get one a year, and have been recycling the same note for 2 years now. )

Sorry for ranting... I really do want to learn to do better. And I'm hoping that doctors' attitudes have improved since two decades ago (which was the last time I voluntarily went to one!) Mental health issues are better understood these days, and maybe they will realize I desperately need help, rather than being kicked out the door.

Unfortunately, it has NOT improved since 2 decades ago, IMO----because too many doctors think they're gods. I do NOT agree with NOT challenging their authority----your receiving proper care, is of the utmost importance----and, if they don't like you challenging their authority, TOUGH NOOGIES; get what you can out of them, and find another doctor!! Maybe if more people would challenge them, when they say stupid stuff----that they expect you to just drink-down, smoothly, with a straw, without question----then, so many of them wouldn't have a "God Complex"! !

Now, that being said, if you have some kind of paper for one of them to sign, and time IS of the essence, you're gonna have to bite your tongue----like I said, get what you can out of 'em----however, if time is NOT a factor, I say "shop-around". They say "Life is too short", but it'll seem like a MILLION years, if you have to go through it, with a pooterhead for a doctor!!

i disagree with my doctor often and SHE doesn't get upset. she has implemented changes i requested. she's a keeper. i disagree in a respectful way, with evidence.

My mother and my aunt have a new doctor and my mom told me today the doc is very nice and they didn't have to wait at all when they came in to see her the other day. I wonder how mom got to be so lucky? Not that I've never been to a doctor with good bedside manner at all, but not having to wait for ages in a crowded room where who knows what kind of germs the other people must have? I guess miracles do happen.

I grew up in a medical environment and so I have no problems with doctors, so I'll give you some advice. First off, if they accuse you of lying about your medical history simply tell them that you will sign a release and they should get your records and they can see for themselves. If you have been diagnosed with AS then you can get that record sent to them by giving the name of the doctor and signing a release to send the records to the new doctor. Whoever diagnosed you with the three antibiotic allergies can send a record as well. I'm allergic to penn and sulfa. That's two antibiotics. It's very easy to be allergic to three of them. In fact it's common. Also, if the doctor wants to tell you Lyme doesn't exist then tell him that whether it does or not, you were diagnosed with it by <doctor's name> and again, offer to sign a release so they get your records. In fact, that should have been done at your first visit.

One thing to keep in mind is that they do ask a lot of questions about your history and that doesn't mean they don't believe you. If he says he doesn't, then tell him "I'm not a doctor, I'm only telling you what Dr Hisname told me in the past".

You could also make an appointment to talk to the doctor in his office for just an interview before you make an appointment to go see him. Most doctors will do that for a new patient especially if you tell them that you have a phobia and you would just like to make sure you have the right fit.

Some doctors do have a huge ego and are as*holes. I've been to some of them. They will never give you the meds you ask for, they will give you something else that doesn't work. I had a girl do that to me with antidepressants and she insisted I try them instead of giving me the ones I always take. I tried it and was about to kill myself when I remembered that the new meds were doing it. I called her and told her exactly what I almost did, and that it was because of the meds and told her to either give me my regular antidepressants or I would talk to the doc who runs the practice and suggest that my case be reviewed by them. She gave them to me. I also found a new doc pretty fast.

I've corrected many of them about things, not about technical things but about the facts of my case. I've told them what I can't take and won't take or try and that I'm pretty funny about new meds and I like to stick with tried and true ones. Usually I ask what they think is wrong and how they are going to treat it. If I have a med I'd rather have I say "OK, but could we try <x medicine> instead? I've had it before and it works well for me. I'll gladly try yours if this doesn't, but I'm more comfortable with things I've taken before." I've also had to tell them flat out "I am not drug seeking, I'm asking for this because I'm in pain and I know it works for me". Sometimes that works, other times it doesn't. I live in a small town with a lot of drug seekers in it so they tend to think that often about people. I tell them up front that I'm not and I've been known to tell one or two that if I wanted to get high I would call a friend and it would be cheaper and faster, but since I want to get a medical problem treated I came to the doctor instead.

Many are really nice. I've had two friends who were doctors and they were cool as hell. I've worked in hospitals a good bit as an employee and a volunteer and was basically raised in one when I went to work with my mother a whole bunch as a kid and she was in hospital administration. I've been around a lot of docs and they are mostly just normal people. They usually do put up a distant or very professional and not folksy personality when dealing with patients unless they know them well, but that's simply part of keeping things from seeimng personal. My current doctor lives two houses up from us and he is married to a friend of mine. I was afraid it would be awkward but it's not. It's all good if you just be up front with them.

As for the AS, just sign a release and tell them to get your records that will show that you were diagnosed with it. If they have an argument with the diagnosis they will take it up with the original doctor.

Good luck. It's really not so bad. They are usually normal people.

Thanks for the great advice everyone!

It's a real challenge for me, to try to find that elusive balance between being respectful, vs. standing up for my own needs. I don't want to get flagged as a difficult, non-compliant patient... But if they keep insisting that I take meds that have nearly killed me in the past, I need to stand up for myself.

I'm not sure if any of my old medical records even exist... I read somewhere that doctors have to keep them for 7 years, but that's it? So any proof of my past medical history probably got incinerated decades ago.

I guess I just have to hope for a better doctor, than the ones I've had in the past. I'm actually trying to get into counseling about this issue... It's sad when you need therapy just to work up the courage to see a doctor!

Great post, OOM.

No. They can't throw them away for a very long time. They have your old records. If they don't have the actual record on paper they have some sort of digital copy. They are required to keep them in case another doctor needs them. Even if a doctor retires he has to store his records for a certain time period or leave them at the practice he worked at to be stored.

I believe you are thinking of income tax returns and how long you should save them. I think that is seven years.

Also, while you shouldn't be arrogant or rude or condescending or demanding to your doctor, never forget that you hired him to do a job. To treat a health problem. Even if you have insurance that pays or if you have Medicaid or whatever that pays, you decided to go to him to get it treated and that is how he makes his money. You have every right to be satisfied with your care and to have explinations about what he's doing and why. Also you have a right to be treated with respect. Keep it in mind when you go to him.

Ah, that is great to know. My allergic reactions happened in the 70's, and I was diagnosed with Lyme in '92. I will let my doctor know to contact my old pediatrician & college infirmary for that stuff.

Thanks so much for the advice! I think my biggest problem is that I've given up too easily in the past. If I feel like a doctor doesn't believe me, I just don't go back - for like 5 years, until my next health crisis... I want to change that pattern!

A lot of people have a problem with doctors. They are scared of them or something or other. There are tons of issues. Most would rather you tell them the problem you have with doctors and let them try to fix that for you and build a good relationship rather than just leave the practice. You should make an appointment for an interview and talk to him first. If he doesn't do that, write down about four or five major bullet points and talk to him about it when you first meet him on your first visit in the exam room. Explain to him why you keep changing doctors and not going for so long. That pattern may make them suspicious like you are doctor shopping or trying to get drugs or something or other not actually legit. If you tell him the problems in the past, quickly and succinctly, and ask him to help you with this, he would probably be more than happy to help with this.

My father is a doctor.
And he's an ego-centric narssisist.
Very arrogant, better-than-you, and dismissive.

I hate doctors too.
And there's good reason behind that.
It's not for nothing.
Many doctors are abusive and economically rapacious.
Not to mention many doctors have the leisure and free time to do illegal drugs, and they do do them.
My father had many of his doctor friends over and they were either on coke or some other drug.
Not saying all doctors are on drugs, but many of them do, and they go to their appointments like they're better than you, when they're definitely not.

Sad truth about the medical profession in America.

Well that explains a lot! I tend to misunderstand people's motives, but I can see how maybe they thought I was seeking meds, for the chronic pain. Seeing it from that perspective, their behavior almost makes sense! Basically just telling me to get out of their office, and stop wasting their time. (Which I did... sigh!)

Okay, I will really make an effort to explain myself better to the next doctor. I'm actually not seeking meds at all, I just want a doctor who can give me a checkup once a year, like a normal person, and keep accurate records of my medical history (which no one else has been willing to do, because they think I'm lying).

Thanks again, I feel like there is hope for turning this problem around!

PS - Cryos, thank you for that... I've definitely run into the arrogant ones, in my own experience. I'm sorry you've had to deal with a narcissistic father - I have an aunt who is a narcissist, and she is just awful