Question for aspies who can blend in as NT

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Some women and men seem to have managed to do blend into NT culture without much outside help for at least a short period (a certain post by the user kjas in the Love and Dating Forum under bill's inane "are wp aspie women a representative sample?" illustrates the phenomena I'm talking about)

I wonder how you guys and gals do it.

Body language

I have taught myself to read most body language; however, my own is sometimes unexpressive or does things I don't intend it to do, and I am sometimes unaware of this, or only vaguely aware of it. How can you learn to truly imitate others when you don't have the basic skills for expressiveness? For example, maybe some facial muscles don't work correctly, or maybe your shoulders hunch, and you don't realize it? How do you get beyond small things like this?

As for voice -- how can you really imitate the way NT's speak when you don't have prosody? Is this something you taught yourself, or is it something that has to be learned from a professional, or do people who successfully blend in not have voice anomalies to begin with?

Before anyone suggests an acting class, I am already doing this. I just wonder how some people are able to learn this stuff on their own, especially typical aspies with constricted visual fields, visual processing disorders, and horrific body awareness.

A lot of my typical aspie body language (awkward walking and moving and bad body language) is due to problems moving through space due to visual processing problems and seeing things as 2d. So how can you overcome this just by imitating NT's? How can one simply imitate others in order to avoid going stiff, awkward, and useless when seeing movement, including people? These problems with seeing everything 2d and not being able to process movement of people or things smoothly are pretty common on the Spectrum, no?

Last edited by Tyri0n on 19 Feb 2013, 2:57 am, edited 6 times in total.

Kjas is female, though, so she wouldn't be an example of men blending in the way women do. Unless you meant her as an example of being able to do so without help?

Yeah, bad wording. I fixed it. I mean this as an example of aspies who were able to blend in without professional help.

I've been raised by a bunch of "crazy" women. I have an easier time sympathizing and recognizing female expressions/intonations and picked up some tricks/reflexes on the way. I Still have a bit of a harder time with men, but in the end they're humans just as women are.
I pretty much developed a large part of my body language and intonations from mimicking movie characters and imagining/building book characters. Still, when I don't guard myself, or among friends/family and at ease, I can turn into a strange and eccentric, albeit a rather friendly fellow.

But how do you move naturally enough to do this? I have the odd movements and body language because of a tendency to tense up around noise and movement. My peripheral vision also gets very narrow, so observing is hardly even an option in most active situations. How can imitation alone overcome this? Or is it only possible for those who don't have the visual response/sensory problems I do?

First of all I cant really "fake" NT terribly well, I can adapt NT characteristics in spurts. I have a lot of problem with timing and consistently. I can handle social interactions with a well-defined purpose fairly well. Unpurposeful interactions, I have a lot of trouble with. I guess all aspies have different problems. However I have incite about body language and voice. For facial expression, I started to overexaggerate my reactions to things to seem more emotive. Getting a huge mirror and practicing is helpful cause you actually get to see what you do. There's probably facial exercises you can do to utilize those facial muscles. As for voice, I listened and imitated people a lot by studying and imitating the way NT spoke. It does take a while, but if you immerse yourself in the enviorenment. For me, I turn the NT on and off when I need to.

This is pretty much exactly it for me. I grew up with my Mom and two sisters (one older, one younger) and probably benefited from this immensely. I find that I can sometimes read women better even than some of my NT friends who grew up without a sister. Like you, I completely lack this intuition around guys I don't know. I've never understood half the things other dudes do. I also imitate characters I aspire to be like and find this gives me confidence in social situations and provides a generally accepted personality type. Now, all of that said, I've still only had one relationship (though it was 4 years) and haven't been employed since '09, so though I can briefly pull off a friendly and funny conversation with a female stranger, it doesn't seem to have helped me much. Lastly, unlike GnothiSeauton, when I'm completely at ease, I'm probably pretty irritating to be around. My OCD, anal attention to detail, germophobic tendencies and pessimism make me pretty abrasive. Sucks for close family members but everyone else gets the friendly, happy-go-lucky, 'NT' side until I get too tired.

But how did you develop the vocal range to be able to do this? I have quite limited range. My acting teacher is making me do the mirror thing, too, which is great, but I wonder why I didn't know to do this years ago, and others figured out how to do it on their own. Maybe my visual problems and bad body awareness made me unable to notice when other people did things differently, or had different facial expressions?

Sorry about my poor writing skills. I haven't been very well educated, and I've lost many of my articulation skills in the past few years.

I subconsciously copy those around me. It's called following the heard, a very human (I'm not implying that anyone who doesn't have this isn't human ) instinct (I am aware of the fact that many autistics don't have this 'following the heard instinct' though).

I also partly do this consciously as well, just because I have always cared a lot about fitting in. Girls, in general, tend to care more about fitting in from an early age.

Consciously fitting in is a learning process, filled with trial and error. I'm always testing out new (new to me) social acts to find out what acts are appropriate in what situations (though I normally just play it safe, and only implement things I've copied from others into the same situations as I've seen them be used in. For example, if someone raises their arms when talking about a tsunami, I'll raise my arms when talking about it, in the same way as them) .
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I spent a few months in a school for Aspies, and I started to subconsciously, uncontrollably copy the other pupils after a while.


Same thing as body language. I have never had any real professional help, I did it all on my own.
I still have problems with making it obvious in my voice that I'm being sarcastic though, but I think I've worked out a good way of doing it now, I just haven't had a chance to test it out.


Once again, I do just copy NTs for the most part. I still feel awkward, I just try to make it look like I'm not awkward in the opinion of others. It's my nature to try and blend in. I've always been quite good at picking up on how to do such things. I take information from around me and put in into categories. Categories such as, these acts are appropriate when comforting a crying person, these acts are appropriate when meeting someone for the first time, ect. and then use this information to try and come across as normal when needed.

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I have noticed this is the case with a lot of Aspies.
I could see that a lot of girls at my Aspie school were trying to blend in, seemingly a mix of consciously and subconsciously, and though many of the boys did consciously try, they generally wren't as good at fitting in as the girls were. Though I do have a male Aspie friend who does this well. Seemingly partly subconsciously.

Last edited by JellyCat on 19 Feb 2013, 7:48 am, edited 3 times in total.

I just feel kind of bad then. Because I care more about fitting in than anyone else I know but am, apparently, just bad at it. I can't get my body to do what it's supposed to (move naturally and have gestures) when I'm in a situation that makes me anxious (for example around people). The tensing up, hunching, and going flat affect is subconscious and automatic response to movement and noise. Could I just have visual processing issues that others don't have, or am I just less intelligent?

You most likely have some sort of issue making you tense up, I doubt it's got to do with your level of intelligence. Tensing up, hunching ect. aren't things that people can normally help. From what I've seen, most people tend to tense up/hunch, ect. when anxious.
I don't really tend to do those things, never have, so it's not like I can say that there definitely is a way to control them on your own, because I haven't tried to hide such traits. Though there many be some therapies which can help you.

A combination of things.

I was mostly raised by male guardians and other extended family members, I didn't have the advantage of being around women that much growing up - had 2 great grandmothers, 2 grandmothers, 2 aunts, and 2 first cousins who were women, the rest were all men mostly. The women I was close to are all BAP themselves - which doesn't really help matters. Helps us connect, but certainly didn't help me learn "normal" - if anything, the opposite - my families are bat sh*t crazy.

First of all I was aware I was different since I was young. At 13 I started consciously observing, copying and mimicking in order to be able to act NT.
Watch, copy, wait for results. Take results, adjust approach, wait for more results. Rinse and repeat multiple times. Eventually you form things that work for you.
I studied psychology also - that did help. It won't help you in practise but it helps to know the theory. The theory / practise bit can process slightly faster that way. It also allows you to act pre-emptively until your actual reaction kicks in. Timing is a key area that lets them know we aren't normal - our reaction times are often off.

For voice - I moved a lot growing up and as a result speak multiple languages. I'm quite sensitive to change in tone, pitch, rhythm etc. Also learning more than one necessitated a lot of listening and observation before speaking naturally. Not something someone who only lives in one place would need to learn, but somewhat useful for blending in.

Body language - I dance. It's one of my major special interests. I'm probably more aware of body language than an aspie should be for that reason. Also very kinaesthetically inclined to begin with since that is how I process information - verbal stuff is the hard part for me. Dance is a good way to break though barriers - you don't need to speak the same language to dance with someone. Since everything in it revolves around body language and such - it's a good way to learn all the basics, plus flirting basics if you need to. When I used to teach I often used to have socially awkward or people with social anxiety in the classes. I know more than one of them was ASD. Their posture, and everything else, including interaction skills would improve markedly.

Obviously dance allows me to have a fair amount of acquaintances, too. It allows me to go out for the night, since the music itself acts as a stim for me. I often get invited out since the style I do now is a street style - but partnered. The good thing is you can dance by yourself, in a group, or with a member of the opposite sex. If I am not invited out, I can go out by myself and will always be invited to join a group when they learn I am there alone. Other interests help too - I get asked to DJ or do photography for the night or at house parties - which allows contact with people but I am not expected to spend copious amount of time with them as I need to read the room when DJing, or get good shots when doing photography which necessitates moving around the room and interacting by simple things. My other hobbies - motorbikes and surfing - do not require verbal interaction overtly either. I work with what I enjoy and with what my strengths are.

Something aspies tend to overlook is personal presentation. In my culture, personal presentation is very important. It allows for good first impressions, and combined with body language and such, can help you make a good first impression. It's been said on the forum before, but paying attention to your presentation does matter. Get someone you trust to help you if necessary. For both girls or guys.

I do have social anxiety. I can only socialize for 3 hours at a time, unless it is for dance. After that I need to leave. I still struggle with the verbal side of things at times. Sometimes I take 'awa (Known as Kava in the west) to help with it. I don't use it anymore - but for anyone who has social anxiety it is very useful.

Most of it is about being stubborn as all hell and being willing to try again and again and readjust your approach each time based on what works. Do it enough and you can pass for NT or something close to it. Basically don't give up. It means you actually have to put in an effort.

Interesting comments regarding dancing. Tyri0n, you mentioned taking classes in another thread, did you not? Looks like you have yet another reason to do so.

Thank you for all the responses. Maybe, at a more fundamental level, was the ability to observe something y'all were born with, or did you have to develop that too?

It seems like many people on this thread not only overcame this problem but took it to a whole new level unheard of even among NT's. Was it something you had to develop independently before you were able to do the other stuff? Or does it just come naturally to some people?

Among the characteristics of autism are an inward focus and a reduced ability to process information from our environment. For me, the deficits are mostly in processing visual information. I remember when I was 17 I got left behind by my college orientation group at an activity station and couldn't tell that I had been mixed in with a new group of totally new people. I couldn't see that my group had left and was replaced by all new people. Yes, I used to be THAT unobservant.

I'm currently trying to improve this basic skill through vision therapy and nootropic drugs. But dance sounds like it could help too. So thank you, Kjas and yuigiri. Any other tips for improving the basic skill of observation necessary for all the other stuff mentioned?

I was kind of fascinated by people. I didn't understand why they acted the way they did - animals made instant sense but people didn't. I have far too much curiosity to begin with, it's driven most of the things I do. How could I resist a mystery like that one? More or less, I had to know the answer, the reasons, and the whys, and of course the how.

The observation comes naturally. People are weird. They are fun to watch. And I naturally notice details. I may forget to match my socks in the morning, but I will notice a random red balloon right in the ceiling of the mall that nobody else will. People are the same way. Ever watched a guy trying to impress a girl? Sometimes he makes a fool of himself, other times it's just cute to watch. Ever looked at the differences between how a girl acts when she is interested, vs. when she's not? Same goes for kids play dynamics - the foundations of interaction are much more obvious when watching children. It's interesting stuff. The interest in people took more time to develop. But by 11 I was interested in them and observing them.

I don't think I have consciously copied others, but I do remember from about age 17 people watching a lot, so probably subconsciously I absorbed some things. My brain never stops analysing things so perhaps that includes socially as well. Having said that, I'm not aware that I use body language socially, and because I am reserved it's never me that makes the first move to talk to someone. I think people assume I am aloof, I'm sure they notice something different about me. For instance a friend of my husband's described me to him as "serious". I won't laugh at anything I don't find funny, if someone smiles at me and I smile back it's a very awkward uncertain smile. I don't volunteer conversation or information. NTs assume a lot, including "positively" (to them not to us) that we are enjoying their company, that we want to participate, that we appreciate being drawn into a group situation.

Because I don't have any obvious unusual behaviour (I don't stim in public) and a passive body language, it seems that is enough to blend in reasonably well.