Some questions about stimming

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I'm curious if any of you have (or have found) some relatively subtle ways to stim that don't necessarily draw attention. I guess what I'm picturing is a bracelet you can fondle, chewing on pen tops, etc. Things that might be mistaken for a quirky mannerism. Although my feeling is that most mannerisms could be described as mild forms of stimming anyway.

Can you teach yourself to be satisfied with a new stimming technique if an old one is too obvious? I understand that mileage will vary a lot from person to person.

The reason I'm asking is because I have an undiagnosed autistic character in a book I'm working on. I'm contemplating giving him a stimming activity. I'm still no sure I'll be doing it. I don't want to just "check the boxes," on autistic traits, so it would have to work with the story and his other character traits.

Some more questions.

Is stimming a "tell" (letting those who know you know about your inner mental state, whether you can or want to let them know)?

Do you have different stimming behaviors depending on you mental state (eg one when stressed or anxious, and a different one when excited, or yet another while concentrating or in a flow state?"

Are you always conscious that you're stimming?

Sometimes I will discreetly make a fist and use my fingertips to apply deep pressure in a rubbing motion on my palm. I also will rub the top of my thigh deeply and slowly and squeeze my quad like I am massaging it. I also hum to myself sometimes the same passage of music over and over but I do it very quietly so no one else hears or notices. I also stick my hands in my jacket pockets and stroke the soft fleece or the polyester smooth lining. Sometimes I have small glass beads in my pockets or purse too that I can hold and stroke or wear stim jewelery like a glass ring that I can stroke. I also sometimes take my favorite little plush animals and toys in a nice purse so that I know they are in there and can feel them anytime without looking weird. Or I have a small piece of fabric that I love to feel in my pocket or purse. Sometimes I have verbal stims too where I say things over and over. I also rub my eyebrows and sometimes when I am in bed I rub my feet together.

You can certainly teach yourself new stims. Try a bunch of stuff out. Get ideas from other Autistics, try different textures and fabrics and beads and things and see what you like. See what feels soothing to you. You can change your stims as often as you like. Definitely feel free to explore that part of Autism. It can be really fun.

I am not always aware of my stimming. Sometimes I don't know I am until it's pointed out. Usually strangers won't say anything but my brother will often point it out if he is concerned that I am anxious or something. I rock a lot when I am anxious or I just need to relax. I also just discovered something I do that I did not know about. I lock on to my brother's face. He and I are very close and sometimes when we are out and I am in a situation where I am very anxious I zone on on the colors and patterns in his eyes and cheekbones. Then I end up staring and not realizing I am staring. We were out at lunch the other day and he asked me why I was staring at him. I had no idea that I was but then later I realized that I was coping with anxiety and finding comfort in the colors and patterns in his cheekbone and eye. I also rock and touch things over and over and flex and extend my fingers when I am anxious.

I sometimes comfort stim by zoning into the colors and nuances of people's hair and then I end up staring with realizing I was staring. Sometimes I rock without realizing it too and hum as well. Actually lots of my stims I sometimes start without realizing that I started.

I don't know if stimming is tale telling your mental state. Sometimes we stim just because we are bored or just because it feels really good to us. I know that I do sometimes. Sometimes I do it when I am happy and content like when a cat purs.

Hope this helps.

I don't know if this is classed as stimming but I catch myself doing it from time to time.

I tap the end of my nose with my index finger and I also like to stroke the bridge of my nose and my eyebrows as well.

I find it comforting.

I've generally taken to picking up small objects like pencils or twist ties and playing around with them in my hands. When I'm concentrating on a train of thought I sometimes play with a little tuft of hair on my head that sticks up a little funny. Chewing gum is a good way to do it in a way that doesn't look weird to other people. When no one is around I'll occasionally repeat random nonsense phrases just to feel the way my mouth moves to make them, but I don't do this around other people because they would look at me funny. So yes, it could change based on mental state.

It could be a tell but a person would have to really get to know me (closer than I'm usually comfortable getting to people) to make the connection a lot of the time I think.

I'm always conscious that I'm doing it, but it's somewhat on the periphery of my awareness. It's a bit like when you're walking next to someone while carrying on a conversation. You're aware that your legs are moving but your focus is elsewhere.

I dunno if this would be helpful for your specific character unless your character is artisically inclined, but I always have a bit of clay or wax in my pocket to mold in my fingers. in art school especially it's seen as quirky but not questionable. maybe this concept could be applied to other interests, like having a pocket calculator or a small toy car.

I also frequently stim in my head. think typical vocal stimming, just not vocalized.

I find that most forms of stimming that appear normal are unsatisfactory.
Only stimming that looks weird feel right to me.

I think stimming of some kind is very important to the average autistic person- hence the general NT focus of eliminating stims, it wouldn't be such a focus if it wasn't such a common thing.
As for me, physical or visual stimming is super important. I find staring at glittering or moving objects to be great. For example, I love water scenery because I can watch the sunlight glint off of the water and it's a form of stimming. It wasn't until I verbalized to a number of people that- although they too think it is beautiful- it doesn't necessarily provide any comfort or relaxation for them and it isn't quite as "mesmerizing" for them.
Particularly spinning or rotating super glittery objects such as jewlery rings or Swarvoski pendants or diamond-like gemstones is super engaging and relaxing.
Also, swaying back and forth to music and humming the melody (although, this does attract unwanted attention...) for some reason especially from sh***y creepy men on the train.... I DON"T UNDERSTAND THAT! I guess because it seems childish..(?)

Honestly, rocking, swaying and spinning are the most comforting for me, but what I do least because people freak the f**k out when I do- which annoys me- like it's not like I'm hurting you or getting in ur personal space or making noise OR being in the way or super conspicuous about it, but still people are rude and basically as*holes about it....

I don't stimm to let people know how I feel or anything like that- I stimm because I need to- it helps me regulate and feel better. It helps me deal with emotion- which otherwise just bottles up and is hard to process. Like in physics When the potential energy of a ball at the top of a hill is high, and then you set it in motion, that same energy gets converted into kinetic energy.
It feels like that. All that pent up energy has to go somewhere so I transfer it into kinetic energy.
Although, I myself am hyper-vigilant about my stimming and how it appears to others. I monitor it quite a bit.

A favorite of mine that I developed as a kid (which I knew at the time even then was super "inappropriate" and thought of as weird) was the infamous hand-flapping. It's amazing to me that a lot of autistic people develop this exact behavior independently of one another.
I like hand-flapping, but avoid it in public.

I also like to heel or toe-walk, but my mom hates that one and I only do it when I'm alone with no one else around.

Finally, I would say..... Another less obvious one is I tense up my entire body in a non-visible way or very hard to see way, and hold that for a few moments. Or a less positive one is I hold my breathe. The tension helps and no one else can tell I am doing it.

Another thing I like is to chew gum. Not sure that's a stimm but I like the oral textures and such of gum and if I focus on that I feel better, and no one cares if I'm chewing gum.

THank you so much everyone. This is all so helpful. I've had my own experiences, but I didn't want to bias the conversation early on.

As for me, I can think back to various habits and mannerisms I developed growing up as ways to self-sooth. It was relatively only recently that I heard the word stimming, and it all clicked. I can remember I went through a period where I would force air into the space behind my upper lip, and then let flow back through my teeth. It made an odd noise and my cousin pointed out how weird it seemed, so I eventually broke myself of it.

I don't think this classifies as stimming, but in high school there was a monotone buzzer that marked the beginning and end of periods, about 440 Hz. I hated that sound. At some point I started whistling every time it went off. I could whistle at the same frequency, out of phase, and let the destructive interference cancel it, or play with the beat frequency. It gave me a feeling of control over it.

it is certainly possible to train yourself into using a certain stim in place of an undesirable one; to an extent.

for me, i usually fidget when i'm concentrating (i usually have a pen in my hand which i twirl around).
When i'm getting energetic or stressed, i'll start bouncing my leg (either instead of or in addition to the fidgeting).

If i near an overload, i'll drive the nails of my pinky fingers into the palms of my hands; i keep these a tad longer and slightly sharp for this exact reason: it will keep my mind off of whatever is overloading me.

I have a long leather lanyard clipped to my belt loop, that I tug and twist and twirl around my fingers and also chew on. It helps reduce a lot of distracting stimming while in school. Since it's clipped to me I never have a problem with dropping it or losing it.