The Wannabe

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I wish I was somebody. I wish I had an identity. Something to call myself other than just Me. Nobody is interested in just Me. If only I had another word to call myself, I could stand up and proclaim to the world, “Hey, look at me everybody, I'm a………something”.

Maybe I could have a trawl around the web and see if I can find something. A little word that makes me sound special. I'll start with the letter A and see what I can find. Wait, what's this? Aspie. What a cute little word. I love that. I wonder what an Aspie is. Let's see. Oh wait, I really am an Aspie. I have all the symptoms. I was bullied at school and my friends have always said I'm a bit awkward socially. I've actually really found my identity, just like that!

Maybe I could make contact with other Aspies. They'll definitely want me as a friend when they find out I'm just like them. I could help other Aspies by writing a blog or something about my experiences. Then I'll really be someone. People will look up to me. I'll be a role model for Aspies everywhere. I love my new identity. It's so cool being an Aspie.

OK, some of the other Aspies out there in blog-land are a bit weird frankly, but I'm not like that. I'm just a bit quirky. There's a few others who are not too friendly either. Some of them seem to have some serious anger management issues. I mean I'm just trying to help them by using my blog to give them a voice. You would think they would be grateful. Instead some of them are trying to tell me that I'm not an Aspie at all. That I'm just a wannabe. I mean, seriously, I've already shown that I have all the symptoms. I've done the Aspie Quiz and everything.

No look, stop saying that I'm not an Aspie alright. I am. I don't need a piece of paper from a psycho something or other to prove it. I am an Aspie. I am. You can't deny me my identity. It's what I've always wanted. You don't know what I've been through in my life. Right that's it. I’m taking my blog elsewhere. Somewhere I'll be appreciated by all the people I'm helping.

Let's see now…..B…..b…..for…..Bipolar…...that's it. That's me. OK, that's not as cute a label as Aspie but it still sounds quite cool. I can certainly be a bit of a moody cow at times you know. It's another one of my little quirks. I could use my blog to really help people…….


…...Meanwhile, back in the real world, I find myself on the floor in the kitchen again with my head stuffed tightly into a corner, sobbing. I don't really know how I got here or quite why it feels so good to smash my head repeatedly against a cupboard door.

Why is this happening to me yet again? Why do I have this stupid reaction over and over again to such trivial things. It was just a woman in a car park who bumped her car door against mine. There was no damage though she might at least have said sorry. Instead she just walked off. And thanks to my instantaneous, stupidly over sensitive fight or flight response, I’m left standing there shaking wildly. At least I somehow make it home before exploding into tears.

I've always been like this with confrontation, no matter how trivial. I guess it's just one of my cute, cuddly quirks. It's a quirk that so often leaves me feeling physically exhausted for days. I hate it. Every time it happens, I hate it. And I just want to be Normal. Is that really too much to ask?

I could go on about all my other cute, cuddly quirks. Like my total inability to make friends or join in everyday conversations. I've just no idea how these things work. I mean I can sort of understand in an intellectual way how they work, but I just can't make them work for me. I have never been able to.

Luckily for me, two lovely people have befriended me during my lifetime. I see one of them about once a fortnight, the other maybe half a dozen times a year. It's pretty exhausting really, such an endless whirl of socialising.

Still, I get plenty of time off to pursue my own interests. And the great thing about pursuing my interests by myself is that I get to enjoy them in my own way, without having to make compromises to fit in with other people's plans. But it can be a bit lonely though. Maybe I should try and meet up with my friends more often.

But then I just end up on the kitchen floor again, or in some other quiet corner, feeling totally overwhelmed by a day of socialising with someone I really like. I mean, I really like these two people, and yet somehow their company is just too much to cope with at times. How can that be right? Just another quirk I guess.

I could mention all those other emotions that I so often seem to be absolutely awash with. At least I could if I could work out what they actually were. And I'd really like them to stop adding to the kitchen floor incidents. They seem a bit odd though. Sometimes I don't seem to feel anything in response to the important or traumatic things that happen in my life; other times I'm overwhelmed by my emotional response to a film I have seen numerous times before. What on earth is that all about? I just can't work it out.

Speaking of watching the same films, or for that matter reading the same books, numerous times, why do I do that? I could be putting that time to better use getting all sorts of important things done. Simple things like picking up the phone and calling someone to come and do some essential work on my house. Except I can't even get started on that. And if I do manage to get started, I'll just get all muddled during the phone call. I'll end up paying over the odds for the work because shopping around would involve making more phone calls, and haggling is just too confrontational and stressful. I'll just use the time to do some housework instead. Except I just can't seem to get started on that either. Maybe I'll watch a film. Mmm, that one will do, I've only watched that one fifty two times.

I can't even begin to describe my cute and quirky reaction to getting too hot. Or to certain loud noises, or high pitched noises, or too many people speaking, or too much clattering in the background, or too much bustle generally, or the collar of my work blouses rubbing against my neck, or my clothes feeling all strangely twisted at times, or the mere thought of eating butter, or fatty meat, or mayonnaise, or coleslaw, or mushrooms, or cold baked beans – beans should be hot you know, not cold - or the fact that I drop and break things so often, or stub my toes on sharp corners, or smash my shoulder into door frames because I've somehow veered off line and missed the opening, or burn my arm on the oven door, or my getting angry at my boss because I feel he's not listening to me – I'm right you know, it's everybody else who's wrong, why can't you see the obvious when it's staring you in the face? As for my perfectionist tendencies, let's not even go there. It's painful.

And while we're here, why is it that people sometimes say they are going to do something and then they don't or they do something completely different? And they are always late arriving? We agreed 12 O' clock didn't we? I was here at 11.30. How come you didn't get here until 12.30? That's really maddening you know.

Just hang on a minute will you whilst I check that I've got my keys. Yes I know I put them in that little bag where I always put them. I gave the bag a little squeeze so I could feel them in there before I put it in my rucksack, as I always do. I just need to check that they are still there. OK, they are, I can clearly see them there. Right, let's go. Wait, did I pick up my keys?

Er, where was I? Ermmmm…..er….erm….where was I going with this? Just give me a minute. Sorry you'll have to remind me. What was I saying? Oh yes, I saying was….. argh…..saying was I…...aaaarrrrgh…….just hang on a mo, while I words these in the right get order. Aaaaarghhhh, this is so infatuating…...I mean insinuating…..er no infuriating. Right just calm down brain cause you’re seriously pissing me off.

I think a sleep would be good at this point. I can't though because my brain really won't calm down. Nor will my feet. Just stop bouncing around like that will you? And stop fiddling with that ring; stop chewing the inside of your mouth like that too; stop chewing that pen….and the pencil…..and your finger nails; just sit still will you, stop fidgeting around; OK stand up if you must, but stand up straight like everyone else, don't lean against that post with your legs crossed in that awkward looking way. OK, that's better, but stop rocking side to side like that.

And look at me when I'm talking to you.

Well OK then, but don't expect me to be able to look and listen simultaneously. Multi tasking isn't one of my strong points. In fact even if I'm not looking at you I might still miss a lot of what you're saying. Sorry, my brain just goes off exploring by itself sometimes…….

…….what was I saying? Was it something about being bullied at school? No, I remember, I was telling you about my prosopagnosia and how that can sometimes be a bit embarrassing. Sorry, who are you again? Oh, that's right, you were my line manager at work for ages weren’t you? I probably only spoke to you a few hundred times; that's why I didn't recognise you. Don't take it personally, it only happens with some people. You're obviously just not that memorable. Sorry, that came out wrong. I meant to say you're just rather ordinary and not interesting enough to be……..er…….memorable…….er

Right, back on track, where was I? Oh yes, something about wanting to be an Aspie. Wait, what, you mean those sad old blokes who stand on railway station platforms writing down train numbers? The ones who sound like a robot when they speak just like…..er…..I do in fact. Or did you mean the serial murderer types? Well no, I'm obviously not an Aspie cause they're just plain weird. And creepy. I mean that would be such a shameful thing. You could spend…...what…...twenty years or more of your life being deeply ashamed by something like that. And it obviously wouldn't help with understanding why the thirty years before that had felt so stupidly hard. Asperger's didn't exist back then so I can't have had it. They made it up later for young people. Who made it up? You know, them. The people who make up these nasty diseases so they can get rich selling us drugs and therapy and stuff.

Maybe I'm just depressed and I just need to pull myself together. A good dose of those anti depressants and therapy and stuff and I'll soon be a normal member of the human race. OK, three different anti depressants actually didn't help at all, nor did spending thousands of pounds of my own money on therapy. It was nice though to be able to sit and talk to someone who actually wanted to listen to me and didn't interrupt too much. They didn't really seem to understand me though. I thought therapists would be better at that sort of thing.

Let's see what else we can find in the mental health cupboard then. Bipolar? Mmm, I remember that. Quite trendy really but these mood stabilisers aren't really doing anything for me. Schizophrenia? Well, that would be a good giggle…..not. There's just so much stuff in here but none of it seems quite right. Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac, or a narcissistic attention seeker. Or maybe as that doctor said to me, you know when I was really really struggling and desperate, “Well, we all get a little bit run down sometimes, don't we?” Though maybe that was due to that flat, blunted, unreactive affect of mine that I so often have when dealing with other people, especially official people like doctors, so I struggle to get across how I'm really feeling.

Oh wait, look, right at the back there. There's that Asperger's thing again. I think we've already eliminated that haven't we? I mean that's just so sad. Nobody would want something like that. Maybe we should just have a little look though beyond the negative myths and stereotypes. Well, just a quick peep then.

Hey look at this…..some of these people seem almost normal…..like they're really human or something. Well, that's a surprise, who would have thought? So, maybe some of those things that people say about Asperger's are not actually true. And it might actually be OK to be an Aspie then, cause they're like not actually defective, broken people. Well, there's a revelation. I wish perhaps I'd thought about this properly twenty years ago.

Right, OK, here's a little experiment I'm going to do. I'm going to think of myself as maybe having Asperger's Syndrome and see what that feels like. Well actually it doesn't feel too bad. Some of the time that is. Occasionally it even feels great, sometimes really really sh***y, but OK ish generally, at least some of the time. So I know what I'll do. I won't tell anyone but my best friend and my sister. I won't write a blog or set myself up as some sort of expert on autism. I won't proclaim definitively that I am an Aspie. I'll maybe go online, anonymously, and say, “Hi, I think I probably have Asperger's Syndrome. I'm self diagnosed (with a strong emphasis on the word self, meaning not officially or formally). I'm really interested in trying to understand myself better. Maybe you guys can help.”

Maybe it will turn out that I'm completely wrong. But I'm going to keep thinking about myself in this way because at the moment it's a hell of a good way of helping me to understand why so much of my life has been so f*****g hard. Just please, don't call me a wannabe. An Aspie is one thing I have never wanted to be.

PS, the above list of symptoms is far from exhaustive and not in any way unique to AS, I know.

PPS, this is a bit incoherent in places. I wrote it the way I always write essays; without any sort of plan!

PPPS, this isn't intended to be a criticism of any individual or website. I just felt like writing something after reading a few threads on here and once I start it tends to go on a bit.

The price for membership in the aspie club is very expensive. You pay for it every day, whether you can afford to or not, but hey, at least you get to wear that cool badge that reads "aspie" on it. Such a cute word to pin to one's lapel. Too bad it makes others laugh at you behind your back, or treat you like an imbecile or a nuisance. Some days I regret letting those salesmen with their "limited time offer" reduced fee for aspie club membership through my door.

A very good essay. I like stream of consciousness type writing, somehow it always winds up sounding eloquent, even in the muddled or confusing places.

I've rarely read a post that long, and found it so compelling. You show the hidden reality behind what other people see as a pathetic bid for attention. I think you'll find a lot of folks here who can relate to that... Welcome!

Your stream of conconcousness post was a different and compelling way of saying what some of us have been trying to say more directly, which is how damaging, hurtful and yes successful the backlash against the Aspie identity movement has been. What was once a positive thing meant to let people be they undiagnosed adults who grew up before the idea of the spectrum became known or bullied outsiders know that 1. They are not alone 2. There are positive aspects to who they are has been turned into a series of negative stereotypes. All the more maddening because of the heroic work done under difficult conditions by Hans Asperger.

Much to my surprise the words Aspie or Aspergers has remained in widespread use despite the onslaught both from without (no DSM Aspergers diagnosis anymore) and within the Autism community. But it is more of a descriptor these days then the positive revelation it was just a few years ago (on WP those that decided to use an Aspergers related username during the terms hayday and now want to change it but can't might somewhat of a factor). As a descriptor it is still very useful, but the opportunity for something much greater has been taken away.


The above rant does not mean that I do not think that the questions of is Aspergers seperate from Autism, a subcategory of autism or not a legitimate thing at all is a legitimate topic for discussion, nor does it mean that that I think people's feelings that they do not view Aspergers as thier identity form is wrong in anyway. It was about how those of us who do think of themselves as Aspies have been often been negatively stereotyped in ways that would not be accepted for most other groups.

I think that thinking of oneself has having autistic traits is good if one has these traits, because one can understand self better and use understanding to function better or more comfortably in daily life. But I don't buy into autism identity, I don't have any special feeling associated with autism identity that makes it real as a thing. I think of autism as a diagnosis for support and autistic traits as common in general population.

You have a different view but never have billeted those of us who feel differently.

I wonder what are reasons that people view autism as identity?

Is it a personal identity like I am autistic and that defines me a lot?

Or is it like sense of belonging to group?

Or is it something else?

I think autism as an identity may have something to do with the fact that autism is something that affects almost everything we do and dictates how we see the world and how we navigate through that world, making it a very substantial part of who we are as individuals.

Though, it's probably (moreso, definitely) different for every single person. Everyone has a unique perspective based on their experiences of being on the spectrum.

I don't mind that people identify as having AS, I think that's a good thing. I have a problem when undiagnosed people suspect they may be autistic and go around telling a bunch of people that they have autism. As an analogy, anybody can feel American but they are not without a citizenship, they are self-proclaimed American (think self-diagnosed), and this is valid on a emotional, identity-based level, but the law wouldn't give a s**t how somebody felt in their heart. Not that a diagnosis is comparable to a major legal issue, but generally it would seem that those with the strongest desire for identity have the greatest capacity for fault. No matter how believable each individual case may be the overall group is never completely trustworthy. I don't feel that this destroys it for everybody though and I definitely think that the older generations are largely exempt from this.

In our societies professional diagnoses are recognized, just as a marriage is recognized. I am gay, I can't get married. If I claim to be married to my boyfriend, no matter how badly I feel/wish I was, it doesn't matter. It isn't recognized and there will always be doubters. Nobody is free from this system, but you can make communities like WP where anybody who feels they belong can join and post. There will always be nasty comments here and there and occasionally people get emotional and want to vent (such as myself) but I believe that is inclusive of the nature of this website. If it is a support site for those who feel positive it should definitely be for those that feel negative, whether arguments ensue or not is irrelevant; it's a forum.

I think your story differs from most at WP. You say you never wanted to be an Aspie and have a great many serious problems, whereas many here positively identify with autism. I think my friend would be able to relate to your story, except that he was diagnosed as a child.

A good thing about positively identifying with autism is that you don't view yourself through the NT lens; you don't see yourself to be a failure of an NT but an Aspie with a set of strengths and weaknesses. The trouble with these labels is that we forget we're all human and each have our own genes/traits. Some people are highly attractive models, I'm not. That makes me feel down at times but I have to accept it. I don't think I'll ever positively identify with not being super attractive but I can with my decent qualities.

I don't think there really are many wannabes outside of teenagers, which is normal. TBH I don't really see many people calling others wannabes outside of pubescent websites like Tumblr.

As of right now autism is believed to be heavily this like blacks and gays we are born that way. Just like with race that is an important enough part of people that many identify with it. That does not mean the autism or race is all of who they are. My identity was not sought it just happened. Two years later that I still do is my choice.

Autism is not at all like citizenship. Either you are autistic or you are not. Undiagnosed, professionally diagnosed, self diagnosed has nothing to do with it. Professional diagnosis gets you official recognition and arguably an increased chance that the subjective judgement is correct.

I mean that it is like a citizenship in that you can't receive treatment/support and acceptance is sometimes not there etc. without the diagnosis. If a professional doesn't think you're autistic or you demand medication for autism (if such a thing exists) they won't care if you think you're autistic and for people that are actually autistic or simply believe that they are autistic this has proven to be a problem. People shop for the diagnosis for this reason.

I see what you mean though, nobody is really 'American', that is only a visceral feeling that people associate with. Autism is a real thing and somebody is autistic or not, but I believe these identity components are more similar than not, as they are both states of mind, despite this difference.

Ahh, this one, I"m really, really familiar with this one.

I've done this sort of thing with my keys over and over and over.... and my keychain is about 2 feet long. No, I dont know how it even happens... particularly since the whole thing tends to make alot of noise.

I lost them once, turned out I'd hung them around my neck to free my hands while at the car. Still counted as lost, though, how the heck was I supposed to know they were there?

Ugh.

Done this with plenty of other things too. Or just.... forgotten stuff in general, or spaced out, that sort of thing.

I, for one, don't view myself as disabled, only different. One has to look at one's strengths and minimize one's weaknesses.

Are you suggesting that this "identity thing" is simply a personal feeling about being part of something that is bigger (than oneself)? Just trying to understand.

I really enjoyed reading your post written in such a unique writing style. I read it all, even though it was long which is out of character for me. I am sorry to hear your struggle with others invalidating your aspie diagnosis just because some Dr. God with his surpreme authority has not yet given his divine blessing to you yet(sarcasm). That should not matter, as I am pretty sure most people given enough thought can arrive at the conclusion of asperger's diagnosis if they did indeed have it. Welcome to WP.

That wasn't what I had in mind while posting but I guess it's what I would think now. Being 'autistic' or being 'American' both require the state of mind that one is so. They are groups to which people feel they belong. A person can have autistic traits or full blown autism but unless they identify as being autistic there won't really be any group identity there, just 'I have these autistic traits' or 'I perceive the world this way'.

I believe that logically you can exclude the fact that autism is an actual physical thing when comparing the diagnosis to an American citizenship. They're both recognized as an identity by society. You can't self-prescribe yourself with citizenship and receive the benefits just as you can't self-diagnose and receive medication.

What I was once confused with is that many people want to call themselves autistic (i.e. through self-diagnose), but I think I can understand the need for that now. I have that need too, but I still see potential problems that can arise from being attracted to a medical label. For example, the fact that in this very thread the OP was referring to the possibility/having being called a wannabe for disclosing their self-diagnosis, is a consequence of wanting to associate with a label - people may have experienced actual wannabes or get the vibe of 'special snowflake' from somebody excited to disclose their medical issues.

I believe where identity is concerned, all humans are hypocritical, because everyone is intimidated by difference to at least some degree. I love discussing it because it's an area that I can't clearly think about and one that I struggle with myself. I'm hoping that I'll make my mind up eventually.