High Functioning son with Autism can't make friends...help!

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Hello
I'm new here and found this site during a net search....I hope to be able to contribute....and learn.

First off, I don't want to sound like a whiner. In the grand scheme of things, we are very fortunate that our autistic son is so high functioning and we don't have the heartbreaking problems some do. At the same time, I almost feel like our son is invisible because of it...and he's hurting.

My son just turned 17 and for the most part, you would not know he was diagnosed with ASD. He was when he was just 2 and we were able to get him into excellent programs and he worked hard so that now, he goes to school and participates like any other junior in high school. My son has a GPA of 3.5, is an Eagle Scout, and has a part-time job. He drives and has his own car and loves the same things as most kids his age. He is tall, normal in appearance, and is a great kid.

We just told him he had Autism about a month ago.

The thing that is heartbreaking for us is that he has no friends and has no idea how to get them. He is isolated at school and is dismissed because he is a little "off". He describes how people ask him why he talks like a robot and shows no emotion. He is lonely and confused why everyone has friends and girlfriends and he is left alone.

It breaks my heart.

We have not been able to find any "social skills" training for someone with his profile. We don't know how to help him and I am worried for his future if he cant develop social skills.

Any words of wisdom? Thank You.

What are your son's interests?
Is there any group that he can join about his interests?
When I was 12 or so, I joined art and music groups about my interests, and I found the nerdy artsy kids in these groups a good fit to socialize with for first time. In high school, I made friends in general, not just interacting with kids around interests.
In art group, I found that sitting around doing art all day during summer vacation was low-key way to socialize, as people would focus on art, but also make comments to each other, and get to know each other this way.

I was taught the levels of social penetration and understanding where I was in regards to people.
They are"

"Orientation stage. In this first stage we engage in small talk and simple, harmless clichés like, ‘Life’s like that’. This first stage follows the standards of social desirability and norms of appropriateness.

Exploratory affective stage. We now start to reveal ourselves, expressing personal attitudes about moderate topics such as government and education. This may not be the whole truth as we are not yet comfortable to lay ourselves bare. We are still feeling our way forward. This is the stage of casual friendship, and many relationships do not go past this stage.

Affective stage. Now we start to talk about private and personal matters. We may use personal idioms. Criticism and arguments may arise. There may be intimate touching and kissing at this stage.

Stable stage. The relationship now reaches a plateau in which some of the deepest personal thoughts, beliefs, and values are shared and each can predict the emotional reactions of the other person.

Depenetration stage (optional). When the relationship starts to break down and costs exceed benefits, then there is a withdrawal of disclosure which leads to termination of the relationship." http://changingminds.org/explanations/t ... ration.htm

This is all called social penetration theory and it helped me. I would often times because I would disclose too much personal things on people. Antother thing that should help is knowing how a conversation should be formed. You start of with a question or a statement and waif for a reply. Than allow it to go back and forth. Try not to double dip in a conversation so to speak or it becomes one sided. Hopefully this will help your son.

High school is a terrible place; even the slightest "difference" will get you isolated.

In college, things will get better; his major will automatically surround him with others that share his interests, and there are a lot more clubs to join, most of these will leave you no option but to get friends by exposure (chess club, music bands, D&D groups, stamp collectors, you name it).

I myself was also very isolated and lonely in high school, so bear with him, as he's 17, he can almost go to college and leave this part of his life behind him

My best tip is to get him involved with activities that interest him, and find a community that way, no matter how weird that community might seem from outside.

I agree with izzeme, high school isn't the friendliest environment. I know of nice intelligent non-autistic kids who don't fit in there and are isolated. And I agree some kind of group activity. Maybe some kind volunteer group that helps others. Seems like that would be a better class of people.

College isn't necessarily a cure for that, I went to college thinking it meant all that....and yeah my first year was absolute hell, my second year I dropped out but I thought I had friends. Trouble was they all kind of had their own different groups so I made the mistake of choosing the wrong friend and respective group to pursue closer friendships with and they just used me. Long story and then I had no choice but to move back home because those 'friends' never really wanted me and them to figure out a living situation to live together that was just part of their suckering me in.

In community college where I went part time it was closer to home and less stress because less time on campus, and I liked the classes but I wasn't meeting anyone or making any friends just like in highschool I felt like that person no one wants to talk to.

And the worst part was is for my last 3 years of HS, I was getting through the crap by telling myself I just had to get through and soon enough I'd graduate and go to college and have it all behind me, so imagine my disappointment when if anything it just added to my stress and problems.

First, you need to establish whether or not he's actually suffering because of lack of friends. The myth of "Nobody with autism wants friends" is simply a profoundly overgeneralized truth. Sure, we all need to socialize, to a degree, but not always to the point of friendship.

If he does, the above advice would help. Even if he doesn't necessarily make friends, clubs and stuff will help with social skills.

Also, sometimes people need to get over the fact that kids and teens should only socialize with others' their own age. Older people have more patience, have "seen it all", and are more likely to have obscure interests. Younger people are enthusiastic, have more exposure to people with disabilities (and so have also "seen it all"), and have more child-like interests. Either might help him out.

I think it would maybe be helpful if he would join here and practice socializing among us all for awhile and he can go ahead and vent here and ask specific questions about things that happen in his life and whatnot.

I'm gla you told him now. I wasnt diagnosed until I was 42 and I felt like I had some kind of personality defect most of my life and felt like a real failure. Now that I know more about my brain and how it works, and have this place to help me make sense of myself, I feel a lot better.

Maybe he'd like to read NeuroTribes if he's into reading, too.

Just some thoughts. We're his people right here, he only has to join us and see if it helps. Somehow I think feeling like you belong somewhere helps you feel like you belong everywhere.

He's best off trying to find other autistic people to be friends with, because as a rule most non-autistics just aren't accepting, or willing enough to make the effort to associate with those on the spectrum. It can become utterly exhausting for the person with AS trying to fit in socially, when all the effort has to come from them, and the rest of society refuses to meet us half way.

I used to have major depression until I realised I was better off keeping mostly to myself, and only socialising with a select few people who would make that effort, through either having autism themselves, or some other neurological difference that excludes them from socialising with regular people.

Throughout elementary and high-school I'd have at most one good friend, who was almost certainly on the spectrum themselves, and a few people that would drift into friendship, and then become distant.

At college I was a loner until I got in with the stoner crowd (which was pretty much my entire class of around 20). For all the bad that can be said about that drug, it does at least make people more accepting of other people's differences, and while I was smoking was when I had the most active social life, right up to moving out of my dorm room into a shared house with 8 other people.

I went to university, got a girlfriend, and it lasted about 6 months, most likely because my ASD wasn't initially so apparent to someone who came from a different culture, and spoke only basic english. She dumped me because I didn't like socialising.

I stopped smoking when I left college because it started making me feel ill, and I'm back to having only a couple of friends. I've been single for the past 12 years, and have had major depression for most of them, because I couldn't accept that I'm not supposed to be socialising as much as everyone else.

If I was to sum up how to be succesful at friendship as an aspie, I'd say be picky, don't settle for empty friendships but look for people who can truly accept who you are. Don't go for quantity, go for quality. It can take time to find the right people, but you will both value each other's friendships more.

Autistic people are not like everyone else, cannot become like everyone else, and should not try to be like everyone else, otherwise they are going to fail, and going to feel bad about it.

There's nothing wrong with throwing yourself into your studies or your special-interests, even if it is to the detriment of any social life you may have. It's what aspies are good at, and for a lot of us that time spent on our interests is a gateway to socialising, because our knowledge and passion is what connects us.

Connect with others online, and maybe meet up a couple of times a year at events like conventions. Go to local autistic group meetings (I volunteer at mine, keeping their computers running), where you probably won't share interests with most, as our interests are so varied, but at least you can chat with people who get you, and don't care about how you talk or act. Try to stay in touch with the few good friends you have. It might not be daily or even weekly, but it will be appreciated.



I'll say it again because it is so important, do not try to change an autistic person into a normal person. It cannot be done (The group I go to has many people who've been through all kinds of treatments to try and help them fit in, and practically all of them have suffered depression or had severe breakdowns when it failed to help them be 'normal'). Instead help find them a place in the world where they can be themselves, and among the kind of people who can accept them.

If you haven't yet, get a copy of Steve Silberman's Neurotribes. Read it. Have everyone you know read it.

As an autistic person, if there was one book that I'd want non-autistic people to read to better understand me, that is it.

Thank you all for the replies...I am touched that you would care enough to respond. Some very good advice up there.

It's funny, since I posted this last night, something of great potential has happened. When my son was first diagnosed with autism at age of 2, he was immediately put on a academic program within our towns school system. It was wonderful and helped him greatly. When he was a little older (I think around 5) he was in a group and become friends with a little boy named Strom. Cameron and Strom did not know they had autism, they were little kids who went to school. Then Strom's family moved to Florida and we lost contact.

Strom's family ended up moving back to Kansas because the dad's job did not pan out like he thought it would, but 9 years had gone by. They live on the other side of town and the boys really did not know each other any longer. My wife reached out to Strom's mom and found out that Strom was having the exact same issues as Cameron and lonely for a friend. We have planned for the two families to get together for pizza this Friday and hopefully put the two boys in position to re-kindle a friendship they had as toddlers.

Cameron does not like to talk about autism, but when we told him about Strom and told him he as the same challenges as he does...and that he is autistic, he perked up. He asked be two times in 90 minutes about when he would be meeting up with Strom. They have so much in common, they even work at the same grocery store but at different locations in town.

I am trying not to be overly optimistic, this won't be a magic fix to all of his challenges. But if my son can find one good friend....maybe he can build on it.

That would be really great If works out TimG. Hoping for the best. By the way you sound like a really great dad

That sounds super encouraging! (The name Strom sounds Swedish and makes me remember going to Lindsborg as a child, random memory.)

I hope you will continue to update us here no matter how things turn out. I hope they end up enjoying one another's company and continue to find common interests and whatnot.

Even if they don't become close friends, they can turn to each other for support.

I'm confused. (NT but have an Aspie husband)

You son is an Eagle Scout. He had to deal with people to that level. He had to talk/work/plan etc. That takes some decent social skills.

He works part time. More dealing with humans that may or may not like you. Sounds good.

3.5 GPA. He studies, and has some good organization skills.

People over sell "friends". Is he still active in scouting? He is at a crap age where he really can't hang around adults, and who wants to have around younger kids who play.

At 17, I had very few BFFs. I was just too damn busy. I worked, studied and ran cross country.

Why a girlfriend? Besides the sex part of it, that is just a whole entanglement of drama he probably doesn't need right at this moment. People over talk the girlfriend/boyfriend stuff too. Oh...I have a girlfriend. Yeah...it's a female and they hang out a little bit.

Is this his issue or are your projecting your insecurities on him? My NT nephew doesn't have a huge amount of close personal friends at 16. Most of the stuff he does is group related.

High school can be brutal, and everyone at 17 thinks everyone is getting the better end of the deal. 17 year olds don't have stellar social skills (I've worked in high school). As long as he isn't isolating in his room, and does go out (work, scouting, special interest), and HE isn't complaining, I would let him call the shots for a while.

The only thing with Aspies (notice this with my husband), he has a hard time keeping friendships going because out of sight means out of mind. So he never initiates plans. NTs like a bit of give and take, they think he isn't interested in them.

He also has horrendous social anxiety, amd never can tell when people are actually enjoying his company. He views all encounters as going off poorly when they haven't.

I have seen Aspie social groups at my local community college. You might want to check out the Meet Up groups in your area. Mine has one for Aspies 18-25, and they plan activities to do and hang out.

Twaki....
Not sure how to take your post, but will try to respond.

My son if very high-functioning. His issue is he literally does not have one friend and feels isolated in High School. HE is the one expressing the issue, I am not "projecting" anything on him.

Just because he has lots of interaction does not mean he has friends or is accepted by his peers. They are not mean to him, they just avoid him. He is isolated.

And yes, I know high school sucks....you see, I was once his age as well and HATED every day of High School, and I don't have any spectrum disorder.

The good news is that he is making progress. He had a meeting with a counselor tonight and I think he is finally coming to grips with his disorder, at least starting to.