what noticed as to why I struggle enjoying work

Post Reply New Topic

I find I usually don’t enjoy doing work. I’ve always considered that not a good thing because work is essential in life and I also don’t want to be lazy. However not enjoying work has made me believe that I’m a lazy person and I often feel down about my self as a result.

Today I had to do a project, I needed to take photographs of some NES Box Bundles (the NES box sets containing games, and the internal accessories for the specific system bundle) that I need to sell on ebay to make money. I consider this project work and have been putting it off because I have been dreading this for a while. I had an idea today to help me understand the nature of why I dread work. To do this, I tried to try to see if I could do this task with minimal anxiety and minimal un-comfort as possible and see if I could do it. I decided to start this project and stop my self whenever I felt anxiety or any kind of general un-comfort and try to do what I can to become comfortable again i.e. correct my perspective and recognize why and how I could change this un-comfort.

So I started the project. I got my first beautiful dazzling retro NES box (The NES Action Set that contained mario/duckhunt, nes, nes zapper, ect) positioned by the camera on a nice black surface and backdrop on the bed. Suddenly BAM! Anxiety! I realized I needed better lighting and didn’t know where to find an extra light. So....I payed attention to the feeling and WHY I felt it. I realized it is because of my short term memory issue. I pondered that for a second. Wow! I always knew I have trouble with short term memory, but I didn’t know it contributed to common anxiety when doing ordinary tasks like work. The reason why I realize short term memory contributes to the anxiety and unenjoyment to work is because it’s hard to keep track of different thoughts at the same time. It's hard to make sure to keep track of them and to not forget any of them in the middle of doing the task. Keeping track of different thoughts the same time is hard because they are still in the short term memory bank and I have to keep extra effort to keep hold of them so I don’t forget them.

So, with that in mind, I tried to find a light but still couldn’t find one. I then decided to try to replace the light in the room into a larger wattage bulb but couldn’t either. As usual I felt like a simple task like finding a light was a painstaking process which is just one of many when doing work.

Suddenly I realized an obvious realization that I’ve experienced before the living room is a better place! I quickly set it up in the living room and not only the lighting was great but the couch required a better setup. I was kind of surprised I was spending so much time and trouble getting it setup in the other room when I could have simply realized the living room was a better idea sooner and save the trouble. I remember in other work related tasks in the past; slapping my self in the face...."DUH!" Then feeling the feeling inadequacy.... usual thoughts when working.

I pondered this.

Suddenly, I realized it is my struggle of seeing the "bigger picture." Many people with AS have trouble seeing the bigger picture and coming up with ideas that are different then what they initially think causing them to hyper focus on one thing at a time and when a task require seeing the bigger picture instead, there's struggle. NTs can often look at the "bigger picture" easier. They can look at other options and assess them without as much trouble and effort where as people with AS often will focus on one thing longer and think that “this” is the right way for a while until things really get obvious to switch to other options. I think this happens because an autistic brain often has trouble switching from one idea to another. In other words it's harder for an aspie to start a new task when in the middle of doing another task because it's harder to switch gears so to speak. I think this happens because brain centers in the brain have trouble switching from one center to another maybe because it lacks more centralized nuero (spelling?) pathways. That's why aspies often appear lazy when they really aren't because it's harder for them to "switch" on the fly. I think the struggle of "switching" also adds to the overall anxiety of work.

I finally got everything setup. I took a photograph of NES Delux Set, NES Sports Set, NES Challenge Set, and the Super Nintendo with the Super Mario World Game Pack bundle. I was glad to get it finished. Once done, I realize most of the struggles sum up to a bigger issue that people with AS often struggle with and that is CHANGE. I think these two things I discussed is why people with AS struggle with change. It is their nature to hyper focus on one thing at a time and struggle to look at outside options. And secondly, we struggle with short term memory which makes it stressful to focus on new ways, new ideas, and process then while also making to not forget them in the process.

These are my thoughts, what I seemed to discover more today. Please share any additional incite you got out of this of that you've experience yourself.