Newbie trying to find my way

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all.

I'm about to throw myself into a brave new world. I'm not sure where to begin. And I ramble, a lot. I'm sorry.

I'm from Queensland, Australia and I'm in my late 20's. I've suffered depression (jury is still out on whether I've overcome it or not) and have been feeling rather lost in the world. I have a fiance and we've been together over 10 years, together we have a daughter who is 4 this month.

My brother was diagnosed with Aspergers in the early/mid 90s. I am reluctant to reveal much information about this since he is very private about it now. Suffice it to say that he is high functioning but just had some behavioural issues and social issues that were very obvious. The same is true of our father, who was never diagnosed (it didn't 'exist' then) but has more traits than my brother - they are almost carbon copies.

By all accounts I, on the other hand, was a happy, charming and engaging 'normal' child. I appeared to have friends and make friends without issue. Fast forward to my teens and I struggled with making and maintaining relationships. I became depressed and developed what I believe is fairly moderate social anxiety/phobia. For a long time, I put everything down to me being a needy and unlikeable person. Someone that was offensive and bitchy, someone that people didn't want to be around. That it was my fault I couldn't keep friends. Even if I could bring myself to believe this wasn't true, I simply chalked these feelings up to being caused by my depression. This continued until my mid 20s.

I then had a huge falling out with a friend I had been close to for 10 years. I felt we were like sisters. And the falling out was over something so minor that I couldn't understand. I obsessed over it - trying to understand why she had reacted as she had, but at the same time I completely isolated myself from any chance at reconciliation because I believed she was acting unreasonably, and I felt I couldn't trust her anymore (because of the falling out, not the reason behind it).

I realised that this seemed to happen with most people in my life. They all leave me. I seem to, eventually, offend each of them. And when they react to that, I shut them out of my life; withdraw my attention for fear of being hurt again.

Unlike my brother, I have never shown a special skill (that I can think of, although reading has crossed my mind) and so Aspergers never even crept into my head. But when I reflected on this relationship that fell apart, I found myself going back through facebook comments and suddenly seeing things I missed. Anger with me that had been there for a long time, that I had missed. Jabs at me, that I had missed. At this point, little alarm bells were ringing.

Somehow I found myself thinking of Aspergers. I struggled to explain my feelings to people. "Everyone has issues like that." "That's normal." "I do that too." Out of curiosity, I came across The Aspie Test and scored 'most likely Aspie'. I can't remember the score but have taken it today as I've felt... more at peace with myself and understanding who I really am and how I really feel.

I've mostly brushed everything off and thought I could manage. But I continue to offend people and basically suck at socialising. Then we had our daughter. She's so bright, and articulate. Reaching milestones early. I expressed concern about Aspergers at her first daycare and was brushed off. "She talks so well!" "She just needs a more challenging environment!". I ended up changing daycares and now the teachers are approaching me and asking me to take her to an OT. They believe she is likely on the spectrum. She's 4 this month.

I have attempted, once, to get a diagnosis (yay or nay) but was brushed off. The psychologist I saw asked me some questions and asked if I had a specific interest. He then said that he doesn't think I have Aspergers and that I seem like "a very emotionally intelligent individual". He also didn't believe it was very prevalent in girls/women. I quoted him to the close friend I do have, and she laughed. I don't think this is true either. I can look back on a situation now and see why people might have reacted one way. But in the moment, I am incapable of reading peoples tone of voice, body language and facial expressions. I have developed anxiety/paranoia that people are thinking badly of me. Despite consistently good performance reviews, I still work myself into a spin that I think I'm failing (in between reviews). To the point that it has now demotivated me into actually failing.

Sigh, I do so apologise for rambling. It's nice to talk without interruption, isn't it!

Anyway, off the back of all this, today I spent some time taking a few tests to see where I stood in them. Part of me believes the problem is all in my head still. These are my results:

Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test - Score: 84 - Result: Severe Social Phobia (This was much higher than I expected.)
Short Autism Screening Test - Score: 32 - Result: Likely Autism
RAADS-R - Score: 169 - Result: Suspected
AQ-10 - Score: 7 - Result: Suspected
AQ Full - Score: 37 Result: Possible
The Aspie Quiz (Neurotypical Score) - Score: 71/200
The Aspie Quiz (Neurodiverse Score) - Score: 145/200 - Result: Likely Neurodiverse

I want to - need to - work out how to manage myself. I need to be a role model for my daughter. She's following in my footsteps, and I can't let her struggle with herself like I have. I believe I've gotten by by mimcry. She appears to be doing the same, but thankfully her experienced teachers have picked it up.

I'm now trying to investigate an adult diagnosis, at the same time as taking her to an OT. Am I imagining this (for me)? So many things I've always thought were normal, apparently are not. I'm still learning. I don't really actually even know why I'm posting in here or what I'm trying to gain. I don't even really know who *I* am, I feel.

hi. i hope what you can find here will be comfort and lots of practical strategies (cuz there are lots of us who have tried different things) for dealing with social situations. please try to remind yourself often that you are a good worker and everyone has trouble when too much pressure (even if self-generated) is on them. have you ever tried taking slow, deep breaths for a few minutes to relax yourself? as an aspie in a very social field, one of my coping mechanisms was frequent water fountain and bathroom breaks. not long, just enough to spell myself.