Husband upset over empathy problem

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My husband is sick from a chronic illness and he just went to the hospital, but I got a lecture from him how my empathy problem hurts him because of how I never think about how he feels about a situation, which looks inconsiderate. I didn't realize how this is so hurtful.

If your husband knows you're an Aspie, he should know that you might have a disorder in how you show empathy.

He shouldn't be giving you lectures. He should be teaching you about how to empathize with him in a gentle manner. People in love should be gentle with each other. It's hard having a chronic illness. It's also hard to be the spouse of someone with a chronic illness.

My wife feels the same about me. She finds me unempathetic at times.

I do not respond well when people tell me I have no feelings or other such things. Typically my response involves something about how I show affection and compassion in a very unique way and it is not my fault if it goes unnoticed.

He was pretty gentle, but he made it clear it bothered him. He refuses to learn about AS because he doesn't recognize anything the actual doctor hasnt diagnosed me with (though therapists have, and at the same time he denies what I am diagnosed with)

Then he's trying to teach you, then.

He needs someone to care about him. He needs someone to listen to him.

If I had a chronic illness, I would just want to hang out and talk to someone. If somebody does that, then I think the person cares about me. Expressions of empathy/sympathy don't mean as much to me as somebody who listens to me.

It happened to me and it hurt - a lot.

A lot here know about me being NT and my Aspie friend. This happened when I got pneumonia. One night I was texting with him and I started to have a hard time breathing and had to be taken to the ER. His remark was "keep me posted". I was like what? I know a lot about Aspieism as I have read several books and been on two Aspie websites, but when it actually happens to you is when you understand for the first time how it really is and it hurts. The thing is I knew he wasn't acting like that on purpose, but it upset me so much that I cried for quite a while because I also didn't know if I should bring it up to him. Then I got mad and thought if I don't tell him then he won't know why I'm upset. Then I thought that maybe he won't even understand if I say that I'm hurt and he probably can't change that part of him anyway. Then I thought is it always going to be this way that he isn't able to show that he cares about me in a way that I understand that he cares. He said that was the way he showed that he cared about what happened to me, but what I thought was that "keep me posted" sounded just like another business transaction. Very cold and uncaring. I don't think there is any way for an NT to get used to not seeing empathy as we know it.

I wouldn't have been surprised, Angela, if he would have changed his tune should he have SEEN you. Or spoken to you on the phone.

Words on a computer screen just don't carry the same impact. He didn't SEE you suffering. He didn't HEAR you suffering.

I would bet...had he SEEN you, or HEARD you, that he would shown more empathy/sympathy.

I wouldn't have wanted him to see me, Mr. K. I can't cover up my facial expressions and I probably would have said something not so nice - especially when I couldn't breathe. I don't think he knows how to read facial expressions. Then I was beating myself up for saying something because I didn't want him to feel bad about himself. I just can't explain how hurt and alone I felt. It's the same when he doesn't answer my texts or emails. I know he has a lot on his mind with school and two jobs, but someone ignoring me (even though he probably doesn't understand he's doing anything that's hurtful) makes me feel really lonely and unimportant. I just can't get passed it no matter how many Aspie books I read or how many Aspies try to explain it to me. I can't stop the feelings.

I was weirded out because I'm an Angela too! Anyway, my husband was groaning in pain and I said "go to the hospital already, you're agitating me!" I love and care about him, but responses like that make me seem self-centered, my aunt has told me the same thing. My husband even told me not long ago I act unresponsive to non,-verbal cues (he actually took classes about that) but he still don't want to listen about as which is frustraiting me.

For what it's worth, I would have felt really hurt in your situation, too, especially if he is a close friend. I would have wanted my friend to text with me for a while or even come to see me if I was in the hospital instead of just telling me to keep them posted. "Keep me posted" seems more like something a person would say if a third party told them a distant relative was in a hospital far away or something.

I would feel bad about him not replying to email and texts in general, too. Actually, a lot of what you wrote sounds kind of like me with one of my friends, except I'm the one with an ASD and she's the NT who seems to lack empathy in some situations, like not responding well when something sad or bad happens, or ignoring texts and emails. For example, I was in the hospital for a few days about a year and a half ago, and knowing this, she called me up to ask for help with some college essays she had to write. I did not respond well to that request.

That is nuts, Quill! That's not even an Aspie level of obliviousness. It's off the charts!

Are you still friends with her?

What my Aspie friend doesn't understand is it would take very little to make me happy. Just answering one email a week would let me know everything is ok. Even every other week. But to go two months and not say a thing - how am I not supposed to wonder if he's still alive?

I went through about 8 years in my 20's and early 30's when i had a surgery or a baby every year. Also managed to come down with salmonella food poisoning 2 wks after one of my surgeries and almost died.

My husband loves me very much but sometimes i can't figure out if we fight because it is an aspie/NT conflict or two aspies who are both oblivious to each other's cues.

In my situation, he was supportive in that he was at the hospital and took off work as he could to help me (til his vacation days started getting low and then i was on my own--but that was not his fault).

But...where it was hardest was his behavior toward me while he was with me. I had 3 babies without epidurals, and multiple surgeries over this time. It's gonna hurt, somewhere along the line. If you are laying in a hospital bed post-surgery, and the nurse comes in periodically with your morphine, there is a reason the dr prescribed morphine--the procedure has a significant amount of pain involved.

Rather than being patient with me--i was definitely not at my best! hubby told me i was being whiny, annoying, pestering the nurses...you name it. He felt he was being supportive by his physical presence being there. I was not ungrateful--but i often wished that if he was going to be mean to me, he would leave and let someone else take care of me. I shed many tears of frustration over this time, and i am not a crier. I told him at one point after our first baby that i wished he would not be there for any more deliveries and i meant it. He was a little hurt, i think, and shocked that i would say that. But yet he had been so visibly irritated with me while i was in pain, and afterward had made so many jokes--that is, they sounded like jokes but with an edge to them--about how miserable it was to be the childbirth support person or to be the healthy husband of an ill wife. I still cannot understand his behavior. Even putting an aspie perspective on it.

At the time we knew nothing about aspergers and had no inkling that that was why i was so anxious. He still cannot stand to be around me when anxiety and panic attacks hit me and i was always anxious when in pain. I am guessing that is the closest i will ever get to an explanation of why he has always been so mean to me when i am in pain. Though he may not be gushingly sympathetic, he is not a naturally cruel person, and i don't for one minute believe he holds actual malice for me.

It has all been terribly hurtful, but having had the tables turned in the last year when he has had health problems, i know it is hard to be on the other end of it too--to be the healthy spouse when your other half is ill. So i try to think as kindly as i can of him in this because he is truly a good person. On the flip side of this sore subject, i could list a lot of ways he is a wonderful husband and my best friend. So an enigma it will remain unless another aspie can shed some light on it for me.

I don't know if that helps you or not, Angnix, but that is how these things work for us. It has been pretty consistent in all our experiences with any illness or surgery.

I have chronic health issues, and have wound up in the ER more times than I can count.

Before the Aspie diagnosis, the hospital didn't even know I was married. I'd tell my husband I was going to the ER (drove myself), and at most would get an "Okay". Then I stopped telling him when I went to the ER. It hurt worse to have him say "Okay", then just leaving. His Aspie mother basically ignore her kids when they were ill. So learning how to be compassionate and caring really wasn't taught him.

(His mother has zero patience with anyone ill. It sends her into shut down mode)

My undiagnosed Aspie husband got his ass handed to him by the ER doctor, who unloaded about 15 hospital worth's unaccompanied hospital visits frustrations on him.

(I had been, IV, heart monitored, medications etc)

That time they wouldn't let me drive home. He had to come get me. My husband was baffled. If I was discharged, well...I was well, right?

He got SCREAMED at by the doctor and the triage nurse that he was a self centered, uncaring, jackass of a husband. Basically WTF is wrong with you, as even the biggest crack head at least fakes caring.

Cue screaming, crying melt down in the ER hallway. Horrible. Security called, and he almost dodged being thrown in leather restraints.

My husband doesn't get "what to to when someone is ill". It was not innate. His own mother never had it, and if you never had it model, and especially for him, he have no chance in hell to pull it out of the air.

Our daughter at 5 was better at "what to do when someone is ill", than my husband ever did. And I never taught her.

My husband's inclination is to hide out when ill. In his world, he wants nothing, and that is really unhelpful. He has wound up in the hospital 3 times for ignoring how ill he was. I had to start from scratch how you treat other when some gets ill. That is so hard, because our daughter just knew it at five years old, and you want to scream, "Are you sh*****g me? Really? How do you not see this? Are you that oblivous to suffering? Am I cutting into your net surfing time and you are just hacked about that?"

I had to tell him EXACTLY what I expected and wanted when me or our child is sick. You have no clue how weird that is. NTs just do it. You may say, "I prefer this or that.", but usually everyone jumps into that "caring help" mode. If your wife is going to the ER, it is usually expected that your are with her or at least ask if you are needed.

If your child is ill at the hospital, you don't start talking about some random, esoteric conversation while they are starting an IV on her.

I know he cares, and it's much better now. I always amazes me how little he understood about those situations. It is almost on the level of a three year old. They know something is up, but no skills or awareness how to help out.

Well, yes...sort of. We're also distantly related, so that makes it harder not to be friends. She moved away a while ago, and at first we kept in contact through email, phone calls, and letters, but she slowly stopped responding, and I kind of got fed up with her. Now we really only call each other on holidays, and she didn't even return my call this Thanksgiving. So maybe that's a no, after all.

Have you ever told your friend that even just one email a week or twice a month would help you feel better about your friendship? Maybe he just doesn't realize that you worry about him? I know I would want someone to tell me if I was doing something they didn't like (or not doing something, as in this case), but you know your friend so maybe he would get upset if you mentioned it. Might be worth a try though, just to see what he says, unless you know he wouldn't take it well.

Is there a form of communication he might like better than emailing? Do you think he would rather have a short chat on the phone once a week? Maybe you can ask him if there's a way he would prefer to keep in contact so you can hear from him more often.

Tawaki, thanks for the detailed reply. It helps to know that it likely isn't me. I am trying to put together 20 years worth of data of our relationship and figure out why we have had the problems we have had--i know nobody else whose marriage looks like ours. It sounds like we are greatly conflicted but actually the opposite is true--we have a very deep love for each other and are quite secure in our relationship. We are a huge study in contrasts. Sometimes i just can't figure out what to do with some of these painful things.

My hubby's family is annoyingly sympathetic to everyone else when they are sick or in trouble--just not us. I get annoyed at their emotional back-and-forth with each other--to me it seems like a lot of hand-wringing without much accomplished. So hubby definitely did not grow up with an unfeeling mother.

I am wondering if his extreme irritability isn't more like an aspie meltdown. He can't seem to handle me being sick or having surgery, me having panic and anxiety attacks, or really anything that keeps me from functioning.

He says really nasty things to me at these times--very belittling, contemptuous remarks that make me sound like an awful person who is just doing this to manipulate him. I know it not to be true but wow, does it ever hurt. And put his meltdown together with my own panic attacks that come with any kind of illness or pain--it is a recipe for disaster. I have tried telling him how awful these comments make me feel, and he goes off on me again or retreats into himself with the parting shot of: "I can't say anything because you get mad. I can't do anything right."

So i can't win. I have come to the point where i just accept it and hope the next day will be better. It is harder to tell him how hurt i am and deal with the fallout from that, than to just endure his hurtful comments. I eventually get better, and we eventually get back to normal again.