Trying to be friends with people... should I even bother?

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I'm not going to go into too much detail on a recent event. But this has repeated too many times. I make an honest effort to be a friend with someone I like, and who seems to like me. But then, something goes wrong. Something I say, or something I do... usually something I say... causes a flash of anger, and I'm just.... dropped. Abruptly, and on purpose. And often, it's for good. Sometimes this is just when I'm trying to be helpful. And I dont mean in a situation where help isnt wanted; I mean in a situation where someone comes to me with a problem. But other times, it could be... well... anything, really. I suppose there's no constant exact cause. There's no one thing that happens more than any other thing.

But whatever the cause, I rarely understand it. I dont know what I'm doing wrong, and without knowledge, I cant fix anything! Or am I just unlikable or something? I know I can be dark and negative, but these are natural aspects of my personality. I cannot change them.

There are times, really, when I just dont know why I even bother making an effort to be friends with someone. Wether it be an NT, or someone with a form of autism, or... whatever. Any type of person. It doesnt appear to matter.

But it just keeps happening. Should I even bother with this? Should I stop? What would some of you guys do?

Right now, I just... I really dont even know what to do or what to think.

It hurts.

I think when many NTs have a problem and go to their friends they're looking for emotional support rather than a solution, which is why I dropped trying to give solutions altogether. They just want to know they can count on somebody.

I don't know you or your friends, but it may be that they feel you aren't as emotionally invested in your relationship as they are.

It's just my two cents.

No

Actually the most recent incident involved another autistic person (not the first time, either). Which, honestly, just makes it that much more confusing.

Granted, again, the bit about the solutions isnt always the problem even with NTs, seems to be a variety of situations that cause it, but.... I think I see what you mean about that.

I don't bother trying to maintain any friendships any more. I agree it's hard and lonely sometimes, but it generally makes my life easier.

I know some people who I like, but don't see them very often. They generally have an alternative mindset and are also outliers of society, but there are no obligations either way so I don't see them as friends, maybe this is just me being pedantic?

I don't think so. The word "friend" is applied to a lot of relationships which are not all the same. It certainly isn't specific enough for me to make sense of the statement. In some cases people believe people are friends when they aren't.

At the moment I have a couple of relationships with people that I consider important. I've attempted to stop trying to reconcile the use of "friend" in both contexts.

Maybe when you talk about friends you expect some sort of interdependence, where one person needs the other. For NTs frequency of meeting have no affect on the use of the word friend.

I think we're looking for something more fundamental, and disappointment with friends is probably down to a difference in expectation.

Personally I think giving up is a bit too final. I have to accept that I'm not going to maintain many friendships, and I have to be careful about who I choose to put effort into.

Specific response to this feeling - as much as it's disappointing, you might have found a person who isn't worth wasting your time on. It could be bad timing.

How many times are we talking about? Part of the frustration of missing social skills is getting very few tries at a friendship. It's an effort to try with one person and it's difficult to move to someone else.

I don't bother. I've found that letting that bother go keeps me far more at ease and I don't get lonely.
I guess if you get lonely or enjoy what I find a bother it's worth keeping one a two friends but at a distance, you don't want to have drain yourself by making plans all the time, and you don't want them to expect you to be a shoulder to cry on. But then again, I don't have any friends, so this is probably terrible advice. Get a cat?

I know exactly what you mean.

We tend to come across as opinionated. That's something I've noticed in other autistic people I know IRL. It's actually not too hard to spot in others, but in myself it just happens.
So I am very patient and forgiving when interacting with other autistic people IRL, because I know from my own experience that I can come across as extremely opinionated and extreme when I really mean no harm with it.

From the NT perspective, what you're supposed to do is pussyfoot around and vaguely hint at an opinion you have about something while profusely apologizing for it, first making sure to cover all bases so noone is offended.

I tried to get into that way of thinking, but even for NTs, that's exhausting. For autistic people, it zaps all energy.

Better to be myself and get rejected along the way and then still have energy to do more stuff that day when coming home, than to expel all my energy into trying really hard to come across as NT.

Not worth it. As long as you have intentions about being nice, that's your honest intention and that makes you in the right.

In many blogs that I've read, they usually advise people to drop their negative friends.
IMHO, everybody ... whether autistic or NT ... has areas where they can improve.
Maybe being more positive is one of them?

...

Hello Raenur, I agree with what you are saying and the term 'friend' is subjective.

IMO friends are people who actively seek the company of, and/or contact with each other. There is a sense of obligation in that, if a friend invites you to do something together, or makes contact, then it would be considered rude to not turn up consistently, not return the invitation or not to reply to messages left.
As I do not have these relationships with any person then I do not consider to have any friends as such.

What I was trying to imply to the OP, (Not very clearly, but thank you for highlighting this.) was that there are people in this world who do not require such levels of commitment and maybe he should try to seek out these types of people.

I like to like people from a distance.

It's hard to maintain real friendships so I go out of my way to purposely not commit to friendships, Its quite hard work at times but its easier than that whole thing of letting people down because it's usually me that drifts away inevitably and then I have to live in avoidance for the rest of my life.

I tell you, it's a full time job being a lonely old aspie.

I don't even bother. It's too much work. If someone talks to me I will try my best to reply appropriately and appear friendly, but that's it. I've tried the whole friends thing before and it was very hard work and not enjoyable.

There's some truth to "being opinionated" in my case.
I remember in school I was very opinionated and I KNOW I sounded like an as*hole when I talked.
And sometimes I still do today!
No harm meant, just saying something and being passionate about it, really.
But it sounds wrong. Unfortunately I mostly realize AFTER I've said it.

I dunno, maybe something you do too, Misery?

Relationships are hard work. The give and take part confuses me to no end. Then, there are all the boundaries and the support rules. In general, being in social situations makes me uncomfortable. So, I try to be pleasant and keep people at arms length. It gets lonely

No, don't give up and stop trying. I have friends who don't always seem emotionally invested in me and who try to offer me solutions. Some even don't know how to properly respond when I vent or confide in things of my own life.

But I love them just the same. Real friends don't abandon each other because the other doesn't fit their expectation on how they respond. Instead, true friends stick together and serve each other selflessly.

In other words, true friends are very rare. So don't let this discourage you.

And if you ever want, feel free to PM me or Skype text, or whatever way is more comfortable for you.

Afterall, doesn't Misery love company?