I despair of my lack of ability with people

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I've just offended someone again without meaning to. It seems to happen all to often these days. I'll doubt I'll ever be to talk to that person again. No loss for them, I suppose. Yet another nail in the coffin of my attempts at sociability.

The more this happens, the more I lose confidence and the more I isolate myself. Why do I keep thinking people just want me to die?

How did you offend them? I'm sure they'll talk to you eventually if you apologise or even if you don't, they'll forget it soon enough. I put my foot in it all the time- on average, about twice a day!

I've labeled myself a social reject... so I do understand how depressing it is to continually not be able to socialize normally and get along with everyone. I seem to have this issue at work. Somehow I do something that ticks a certain person off and suddenly I'm awful and I'm treated like I'm a b**tch. And I wasn't trying to be mean, I don't like to upset people.
But no one wants you to die I'm sure! Try not to take it so hard. Just remember deep down you're a good person, just misunderstood.

All I did was make a joke, not aimed at this particular person, which they took another way from what was intended. I could have died (which they probably wanted me to) and another person looked at me as though I said I ate babies. I must be an awful person. Why else would people act like this towards me?

I do take things hard. And no matter how many good things a person does, if they do one 'bad' thing they are regarded as a complete b*****d for a very long time afterwards. It may be irrational, but I can't help thinking people are wishing me dead for the faux pas I make.

No matter what I do, or how hard I try, I will eventually make a mistake that will forever be held against me.

Well, just don't care about that person, if they stop being your friends for something like this, they weren't your friends anyway.

Dude, you care waaay too much what other people think (I despair the lack of ability in others to comprehend me). Besides, most people have the attention span of a flea when it comes to other people's behavior, they're usually way too concerned with what is or isn't going on in their own heads to hold a grudge. They may decide they don't care for you for some personal judgemental reason and that's their loss. But if they liked you in the first place, a verbal faux pas isn't going to make them hate you. Chances are very good they'll have forgotten all about it within a few days. You're almost certainly spending much more time dwelling on the incident than they are. They've likely already moved on, and so should you.

If, on the other hand, they DO make a federal case out of it, and hold it against you, then they just don't get you and that's not the sort of person you're ever going to develop any kind of friendship with anyway. Let it go, Indy. There's nothing to be gained by trying to connect with a small mind.

An awful person would not be fretting about being an awful person. An awful person relishes the social discord he sows.

You are not responsible for the misinterpretation of your joke. The other's reaction was most likely misdirected support for a "wronged" friend.

Stick around and do the best you can. Eventually your true intent will become clear to others. You will find that people judge you less by what you say and more by what you do.

I can't count the number of times in my life someone's come up to me and said something like, "You know, when I first met you I thought you were a real dick." Naturally they say that after they've decided otherwise, after they got to know me a little better.

dp

Last edited by dupertuis on 02 Jun 2008, 1:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm exactly the same. Word by word. I nowadays take anti-depressants in order not to feel the pain I always used to feel after making one more social blunder that cost me yet one more relationship with yet one more human. Nowadays I take it as the default, that at any moment this person who now likes me will hate my guts. It just doesn't even occupy my mind anymore when it happens, and due to the meds I don't feel the pain in my stomach either. I just take it as a given. This is in my late forties and after 3 decades of therapies, by the way, before anyone tells me not to give up and to keep trying. God knows I gave it my all, and it only became worse with the years.

Therapists all think I have some hidden reservoirs of untreated anger at my parents that cause me to "offend" people. They never believed me that I don't do it on purpose to hurt, that I'm just socially blind.

I thank God that I found this website, where others in my situation taught me to enjoy life independently of social relations, so I do have a good life in some respects. I travel, enjoy Nature, etc. We shouldn't let society convince us that social success is so central to happiness. It'll only bring us pain. There are 2 things that cause happiness: doing what you enjoy and being surrounded by people who love you. If I can't have the second, I'll at least make sure to have the first. That's something I can do, and it's already a lot. Most people don't do what they enjoy, because they don't know themselves enough to know what they enjoy doing. I have been blessed with knowing, so all the time people tell me they envy my ability to enjoy life.

Sorry for writing so much, I'm usually much more succinct.

Very well said! I know my previous advice seems a bit...cliche...? But if you weren't worried about how bad you felt by upsetting someone then that would be more of an issue. It is hard, I know how hard it is. I feel bad when I upset someone too, and I beat myself up over until I'm mentally exhausted. But in all actuality I don't think we should feel that we deserve all the blame 24/7. We're all different people on this earth, the other person/people should be able to realize this fact, and therefore that you are not out to get them, so they shouldn't hold a grudge against you over some stupid misunderstanding. If they do it's their loss, and quite frankly shows how intolerant they are.

dupertuis, from my experience, it depends TOTALLY on what blunder you make. Most people will forgive murder, but they won't forgive uncomfortable truths. You can count on Aspies mentioning innocently that the king is nude - and never being forgiven for it.

Ah, but are they reacting to what you said or their (mis?)interpretation of why you made that particular observation, and at that particular time?

If, by your actions, you demonstrate your concern for others, if you occasionally share your strengths to assist with the needs of others, you will find yourself surrounded by more defenders than detractors no matter what comes out of your mouth.

dp

You're not alone, I think accidentally offending someone is one of the biggest Aspie traits. We tend to blurt things out, or say things with the wrong tone and facial expression, or be way too blunt. Aspies constantly get accused of being rude, arrogant, offensive or just plain weird. Most NTs seem to have another sense, some kind of social sense that helps them to judge what they can and can't say, and how to say it. I seem to be missing that sense.

I say forget about it.


No matter what you do or say, you're going to end up offending them anyway. They're the idiots for letting themselves be offended in such irrational ways. If anything they deserve to be offended all the more in the hopes that it will break their habit (if they're being offended all the time then they might take efforts to stop being so, though it rarely works that way).
I just don't bother trying most of the time.
I don't care whether I offend people or not; it isn't my choice.... just theirs... so it is their fault if they're offended.

That is the only thing I can recommend.
If you keep blaming yourself and worrying about it, you'll only make yourself sick.

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So very true.

When I make a new friend, they stick around for an average of a year or a year and a half, then they'll bugger off overnight and won't explain why. I don't generally even get a backwards glance, they just vanish.

You're not an awful person because you say something embarrassing. Believe it or not, NTs say awkward things regularly too. I think the trick is in defusing the consequences - yet another social skill that's not obvious to many of us and often requires ad libbing, something I at least am not good at. What did you say after the joke fell flat? I'm not Miss Social Skills by any means but if that had been me, I probably would have said something like "Oh crap, I'm so sorry, that came out wrong", and laughed it off. Done right, everyone shrugs it off and moves on.

It really does sound like no one is judging you as harshly as you yourself are. If anyone remembers the 'mistakes' at all, it's an absolute certainty that no one remembers them in as much detail as you do. I also tend to ruminate over what I've done wrong socially. I think I'm oversensitive because of a lifetime of social stuff-ups (and I also have a tendency to take myself too seriously). But I've come to realise it's self-defeating. It's stopping me from trying to interact with people at all and I'm only making myself unhappy.

Please be kinder to yourself, okay?