Husband argues with me over AS

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My husband refuses to believe I have a possible diagnosis, but when I tell him the symptoms separately he acknowledges I have the problems and even tells me I need to work on my body language reading skills and social skills. Can I get him to listen? Is it necessary for him to listen?

I think it would really help if he can listen. You can't force him to. It's just not possible. But if he can listen and acknowledge that you have a condition it will relieve some of the stress between you. It took my husband a long time but what helped him is that I shared with him everything I was learning about AS as I was learning about it. And it also helped that I was not self discovered, someone pointed it out to me and that is how I found out. And once I got an official diagnosis that helped even more. We still have lots of issues, it did not relieve every thing but it definitely made a difference. If you are able to get an official diagnosis or at least talk to someone who is qualified to give one and have your husband there with you that might help.

What does your husband gain (emotionally, or otherwise) by not believing that you have aspergers?

I don't know about Angnix's husband, but mine sometimes seems to think that blaming what he calls bad behavior on me just being a bad person instead of on ASD is a gain. He can pump himself up, telling himself what a saint he is to put up with all my unintentional disrespect, while putting me down. Because if I don't have Asperger's Disorder, I'm choosing to behave badly, and he's a better person because he makes better choices.

Not that I agree with him; I don't think saying things you didn't realize would be hurtful is worse than swearing and threatening a person you know is afraid of you. I think cussing people out and threatening them and shutting them down when they are trying to explain their feels and hurts and mistakes is worse than making a mistake and trying to apologize for the mistake and trying to figure out why what you did or said was wrong.

Right now NT hubby is being a peach, but I have definitely experienced the other side where he says psychology isn't real, Asperger's isn't real, it's just like ADHD cases where it's really just a poorly behaved kid whose parents don't want to discipline him/her (different from real ADHD where it's proven that meds/counseling actually help in ways other than drugging an active kid into zombie-like somnolence), you're really just too stupid for words, you went into those shrink sessions knowing what diagnosis you wanted and knowing how to get it from studying up on Asperger's for a year and a half beforehand--etc.--or even you don't have ASD, you're just an evil who sold your soul to the devil when you were twelve.

Yeah, he said that.

But other times he's very supportive, helpful, explaining that I have Asperger's when I freak out and freak people out and doing what he can to come alongside me and fill in my shortcomings.

NThubby is a Gemini. I don't really believe in the horoscope--but sometimes I do believe that he is two different people. One loves his AspieWife. The other seems to think marrying an Aspie was the worst mistake he could ever have made in his life, he doesn't know what he was thinking, he should have listened to the people who told him I was bad news and crazy and wicked and would drag him down into insanity.

Yeah. I love him. He scares me sometimes. Other times he makes me feel ecstatically and I don't know what I did/would do without him for the first 35 years of my undiagnosed Aspie life.

I have it on paper now. Sometimes it helps. Other times--it's meaningless at best.

Convince another party of your AS diagnosis, whether it is a therapist or a doctor, then have that party explain it to your husband. You will have an easier time convincing someone who specializes in dealing with female patients on the Autism spectrum of your diagnosis than you would convincing any ordinary Jo blow doctor that you are on the spectrum.

Jmo but I think it is a waste of time to try and convince anyone that you have ASD. What's the upside? Is it like the poor little lost Ruffy Syndrome? Broken wing syndrome? Everyone has troubles, aches and pains, problems, and worries, obsessions, hidden broken hearts... there's nothing special or noteworthy about having ASD... it's not like being broken.

Say he agrees, what then? Will he cut you some slack? Feel sorry for you? Give you a bigger share? Do what you tell him? Be nicer? Better, I think, would be to convince him that you don't have ASD... just kidding.

You say "possible diagnosis", so I take that to mean you don't have one. If you got one, and if he's a reasonable person, he'll probably come around. But without a diagnosis, you don't really have anything solid to run on.

And yeah, I think it's important to have him on your side. He's your spouse and finding out your on the spectrum is a life changing thing. He should be supporting you through something difficult like coming to terms with it.

I've had a therapist diagnose me familiar with AS but my psychiatrist didn't like that, she tried to explain AS to my husband, but he didn't understand.

To him there is a disconnect of symptoms. He can't figure out why my social problems are related to my bird obsession and why that is a disorder..

Sounds like your husband is a more...interesting psychological specimen...than you are! Those extreme emotional swings suggest either bipolar, or PDD, or schzotypal, perhaps.Sounds like he needs more professional attention than you do.

I had a nurse co-worker suggest co-dependent. That comment actually helped start me on the path of figuring out exactly what kind of crazy I am. I always knew I was some kind of crazy, but I no longer think knowing my exact diagnosis is beneficial. I mean, if the people closest to me wanted to do the research and/or counseling to figure out how to actually, you know, help and be supportive and fill in the holes left by my disability, that would be great. But using it as ammo against me every time I do or say or feel something they don't like--is not what I was expecting or hoping for. I can't even do facial expressions or body language without being over-reacted to anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if he is, in fact, also autistic, though to a lesser degree and with a higher I.Q. to compensate, plus a healthy dose of extraversion to give him the incentive to study human behavour well enough to pass for neurotypical. Also a normal mom who did everything she could to beat manners into the rebellious little kiddo he was long long ago. Mine didn't even try to teach me manners beyond "please" and "thank you" and don't throw stuff at people.

There is your problem right here, you saw an ordinary Jo blow psychiatrist and expected them to understand jack about autism. That isn't you fault, but theirs. You need to google local psychologists who specialize in autism to get someone to actually listen to you and diagnose you rather than the dismissive attitudes you have been getting up till now. Keep seeing your psychiatrist to manage your health but see someone who actually knows what they are doing to diagnose you properly.

Trust me, I have seen more doctors than probably anyone on this forum in a 10 year period, and I know how incompetent they can be and how they can dismiss even the obvious that is right in front of them the whole time.