Significant other gets mad at me for my tone.

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Hello everyone, so I believe I have Aspergers but am undiagnosed looking for a diagnosis. Currently my girlfriend constantly gets mad at me because of the tone I say things. I have no idea i'm saying things in a negative or sad tone but she gets offended all the time. Every time I apologize and tell her I have no idea i'm using that tone and try to explain to her that to me the tone is correct. It is really bothering me that it is an almost daily occurrence and I don't know how to fix something I can't tell is happening. Does anyone else have a similar experience? And how can I try to make this better? Thanks!

your girlfriend needs to understand that tone doesn't mean to you what it does to her and stop nagging you about it.

I've tried explaining that I don't know i'm using a particular tone. That in my head it is the correct tone but when I say it it's different. She doesn't nag. She just gets mad or upset and shuts down. I've tried to have her explain it back to me so I can try to change how I sound but she wont give any feedback.

okay. she needs to stop getting upset about it, especially since she won't give you specific feedback. it's her problem. if she could help you understand what you are doing, it could help in your relationships with other people, so i wouldn't stop asking her to explain. but she seems not to be very tolerant.

just had another idea. is there someone else you could ask to help you with your tone? a friend, perhaps.

The NT mind doesn't process "neutral" very well, both with facial expressions, emotions and tone of voice.

If you don't radiate "happy", an NT is quick to conclude that you are either sad or angry, while you are just neutral.

it's the same with me and like everyone I talk to esp my family i don't notice and whn i just try to talk louder bc I think it neutralizes tone?????

Story of my life.

This. Look at nannies or people who work with children. Special pedagogues. Pay attention to how they exaggerate their facial expressions.

Copy them and do that when talking to NTs. NTs need to be constantly stimulated emotionally. I know it's exhausting, but that's how they are. It's like how you have to constantly keep children distracted to keep them from setting the house on fire or painting the dog green.

I'm obviously joking/exaggerating. No offense meant to NTs

They do seem to place a lot of emphasis on facial expressions and tone though, something that doesn't come naturally to us. Same with eye contact. We need to concentrate a lot to do it, and then it comes across as creepy/contrived. I.e autistic trying to make eye contact easily make the "creep stare"

Like Jimmy Wales, especially the picture where he begged for money


He must be autistic. He always has his creep stare on.

My husband and I both have trouble interpreting each other's tone. However, we (usually) accept it when the other person says he/she didn't mean to sound angry, sad, etc.
Your girlfriend is either going to have to accept that you're telling her the truth, or I don't see how you two will be able to stay together. You can't be with someone who's constantly getting upset just because you spoke.

Sounds like your GF is one of those that are professionally offended. I'd look elsewhere if she can't understand that you tend to talk in a nuetral way.

People often think I'm pissed or upset when I talk, even though I'm indifferent. Now I know why. No, trust me, you'll know when I'm mad.

I would for sure say my expressions and tone are very neutral. It's just frustrating having to repeat that I don't know I'm doing something/sound different. I don't have much social life/friends to ask for another opinion unfortunately. When I do interact with people it just feels like i'm acting/pretending to be what people perceive as normal and not my awkward self. For me thats very draining. As for my girlfriend, she is very supportive and encouraging of many things. There are just a few things, like this, that haven't changed in understanding.

I appreciate all the info and related experiences from everyone. This is the first time i've reached out for help so keep it coming!

My sister and brother-in-law are like this all the time. She's always upset at him saying things like, "Don't you hear the way you talk to me?!" or, "How many times have I called you out on that and you STILL do it?!"

They have an autistic daughter and I think her dad might have a few traits, this being chief among them. I've tried explaining this to my sister that he may be genuinely oblivious to how he comes across, but it hasn't seemed to help the situation. 'Condescending' is the term my sister usually uses.

I struggle at times with tone too, but it's more like lacking affect where it's expected. Even when I'm really excited about something I'm not the giddy type. At least I rarely seem 'rude' to others, or if I do, they're not telling me.

every single day my husband gets mad at me for "bitching at him" when I"m just talking normally. We're over 20 year into this marriage and every. single. day. he yells at me for using a tone that i'm not using.

I told him the other day, "you know how some words sound the same but have two meanings in two different languages? that's like my tone in my language it doesn't mean anything in your language it means you're getting bitched at. but i have a learning disability and can't learn your language so you're gonna have to learn mine. because it's not gonna change, I am how I am, and I"m not taking sh!t for doing absolutely nothing wrong ever again."

My problem isn't about a neutral tone. I am told my 'tone' is aggressive and forceful. I just thought I was a bit blunt. And, I never noticed it as being anything other than factual.

I too have gotten the "Don't you hear how you're talking to me?" thing. I guess I also come across strongly because I am way overprotective of the few people I am connected with. That has been misconstrued as a control measure.

izzeme: That is brilliant! That often seems to be true in my experience!

Neotenous Nordic: I think that's a great idea, although not all people who work with kids are especially social and good to observe. I used to work with kids and currently volunteer with them, and I almost always have a blank face/creep stare. I know a number of other people who are the same. Oddly, the kids have never seemed to pay much attention to my facial expressions or said anything about them, while I often get comments from complete strangers. I'm not trying to disagree with the point of what you're saying (I really hope it doesn't come across that way!), but I would recommend watching someone you know is a social butterfly rather than someone in a certain profession.

Last edited by Quill on 20 Nov 2015, 11:31 pm, edited 3 times in total.

That's tough. Maybe you talk to your girlfriend and see what she would like you to do if you assume your tone can't be changed. Talk about it before it happens in a conversation and she gets upset. For example, maybe she can stop you and tell you how your tone sounds as soon as she hears something off about it, and you can explain whether you actually mean to sound aggressive or you just mean to sound neutral (if possible, adjust it a little bit). Make it just a little pause in the conversation. Then maybe you could clear things up before your tone becomes an issue and ruins the conversation you're trying to have.