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beepyboop
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21 Nov 2015, 8:39 am

So basically, I've been friends with this guy for a while now, and the last couple of months we've gotten to know each other a bit better- he revealed to me a while ago that he has Aspergers. As we've gotten to know each other, I feel like thee could be something more here, but I'm unsure how to approach the situation. I don't care that he has aspergers at all, he's a great guy and that's all that matters really. Basically with dating, I'm used to talking through text or facebook messenger regularly in order to get to know a person more personally, but whenever we've spoken on these methods it's always been kind of straight to the point, he doesn't really elaborate (after talking with other friends, this is just the way he seems to speak). I rang him one night after we had been out, and he chatted away, but I don't like just phoning people up all the time. I hung out with him one-on-one a couple of weeks ago and he said he had a really nice time and it felt like there could be something, but I dunno, I'm kind of confused.
I understand that each person is different with aspergers, he's a very confident person as he's a performer, but doesn't appear to respond to general chatting, which is something I'm used to.
How should I approach the situation? I don't wanna outright tell him I have feelings because I don't want to rush things, and I want him to feel comfortable around me, which I think he's starting to because I know he hasn't mentioned to other mutual friends about having aspergers. Is there different signs from regular signs that he likes me? Is dating slightly different for those with aspergers? Or am i just overthinking it?
Also we're both in our 20s, which is why I'm used to using texting and stuff as opposed to real life connecting.
Thank you for any responses



arielhawksquill
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21 Nov 2015, 9:24 am

He is probably completely oblivious to the fact you are interested in him "that way". He won't catch your hints, or take your attentions as anything but friendly, unless you are explicit about wanting to go out with him. If you wait around for him to ask you, you may be waiting a very long time. ;)



carbonmonoxide
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21 Nov 2015, 11:08 am

Or he may not understand what is going on on your side. (for example calling after you've just been out-why? Is something wrong?) and he won't do anything.
You can ask how he feels and say you don't want to rush into things, and only understand his general intentions.



pcuser
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21 Nov 2015, 12:55 pm

You need to take control of what you want and be specific. I know I never 'got it' either. I would have loved it if the girl was explicit about what she wanted. Also, the fact he doesn't get it doesn't mean he doesn't have all the feelings as others do. Also, he may not compliment you as non aspies do. That doesn't mean he doesn't notice and appreciate you. It means he doesn't know how or what he should say or do.



piiigs
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21 Nov 2015, 1:15 pm

I have dated few girls before I met my wife. I never really got any hints at all if it wasn't a girl jumping top of me and start kissing. By then I thought it was obvious.



beepyboop
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21 Nov 2015, 7:24 pm

Regarding the phoning him thing, I did make it clear I was just phoning to chat because my walk home can be dodgy at night and I forgot my headphones- he seemed like he was happy to talk.

Overall, I guess, is there a way I can throw a not-so-subtle hint without outright declaring I have feelings for him straight away? I have anxiety issues, so I struggle with dating and stuff myself and I'm scared of telling him too soon, if there is something I wanna get the timing right.

Is there any signs that are perhaps unconventional to show he might be in to me?

I hate the dating life :P



Noca
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21 Nov 2015, 11:12 pm

Just be up front and explicitly state what you are feeling to him. Aspies generally have a difficult time guessing someone else's intentions or reading body language or tone of voice or any dating hints that you are going to drop. Being straight up might make you appear odd or rude to NTs, but I think someone with Asperger's would appreciate it. Is he into you? Simply ask him.

Try and find a communication medium that you both work well with, in this case it sounds like the overlapping preference would be in person, since you like text, he likes the phone both you both seem to communicate in person.