Just a bit of a vent here

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I just joined the forums today; i'm 20 years old and I'm self-dx on the spectrum; I had a diagnosis when I was a kid but it was kind of sketchy and it was mostly to get me accomodations. If it's alright, i'm just going to vent about my situation. To sum it up, i feel completely hopeless. My parents are amazing and really nice to me and have always said to 'never be afraid to help' and I feel like my mom is the only person i can really connect to and truly trust, but I feel like a 13 year old child, which was confirmed by my mom saying that I was always around 5 years behind in terms of emotional maturity. I'm really emotionally dependent on them and whenever i'm even slightly unstable i feel like I can't make any decisions at all without asking my mom or dad about it. I'm managing to go to college to get an associate's degree in computer science, but I've never had a job before or even went to an interview or applied anywhere. Plus, I don't really like computer science and i don't code in my spare time but I can't back out now because I only have 4 classes left, 1 semester before I transfer and if I changed my major I don't know what i would change it to since i don't like doing anything.

Parents - and by extension me - feel like i shouldn't get an internship until the summer after spring semester because i wouldn't be able to balance any sort of job and classes. I've volunteered in highschool and i'm even an eagle scout, but once I hit college, all I did was classes. Didn't volunteer, or go to any clubs or have a job or even have a social life really. I just rely on my parents too much. I don't have any interests and I hate myself and my brain more than anything else and I've long since lost my curiosity and passion for anything. I'm probably going to go to my pediatrician soon to see if I can get hooked up with a therapist or something that would accept my healthcare because my current psychologist seems to give me encouragement i don't really believe while asking (more seeming to be pressuring) whether i'm okay with going on the same medication which i'm not sure even works. I just don't feel like I'll ever be anything but a little kid that still hugs his mom goodnight and gets everything paid for by him since he can't handle any stress at all. blargh. There's probably a lot more I want to vent about but because of other memory problems or something else I can't remember anything else right now, sorry. Not sure how i'm going to apply to rutgers or NJIT if i don't have any positive qualities or experiences to put in my transfer essay.

Strongly consider digital arts/CG work. It takes conviction to start coding on your own time, no way would I be doing that if I'd gone the college route. Jump outside the languages your program has you working in. Find better operating systems. Fill your head with applied math before drenching it in syntax.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I've tried photoshop, but again, it's only a mild interest and not something I really enjoy; might be depression. I think that CG and other stuff is pretty cool - I saw a behind the scenes thing on how they rendered finding nemo when I was a kid and found it interesting - but I've never really thought about the CG field other than a desire to become a designer for videogame graphics that died out in highschool. I'd program in my spare time, in C++ (what we're learning) and other languages, but I never find the motivation to, and even when I am motivated, I can never think of any ideas of what to program or how to practice.

CS degree tracks have a nasty habit of beginning with no language in particular. I've tutored a similar course locally and the college here starts with C. Really boring C. I use lots of FOSS everywhere, it helps me reach novel solutions to things some devs would just do as native binaries.

I think you should consider all the shoddiness of consumer electronics a challenge rather than inconvinience. Void some warranties, you know, stop going to class using the same basic laptop. Focus on hardware architecture for a while, it's more important for CG than code fluency most days anyway.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

It is important to get a degree in something--it shows potential employees you can finish what you started.

As for the degree matching what you end up doing, that isn't as important--lots of people don't really know what to do at that age.