I think i finally learned to move on with my life and accepted that by trying to fix my problems. I've made them worse. I think i fixated to much on my problems and I think, I finally learned to let that go. Accept that I can't fix all my problems and that. That ultimately i'm the cause of a good amount of my suffering. I can't really explain it that well. But I've just learned to accept who I am. I used to live in a dark hole where nothing existed in except my problems. I fixated on my past to much. Might've been PTSD. Like I kept forcing myself into it. i think i finally learned to accept that, and the fact that there are things I can't fix about myself. IT feels like i've been living a lie for the past five years. And Realizing that has helped to lower the barriers. It doesn't help me. I might be a better person for it but is it worth that suffering? Idk, and Idk where to go from here and it doesn't help that i'm moving cross country (am in the process right now). It's like i've reached a point where there's either before and after and i'm in the now. and I've accepted my flaws. That, I'm arrogant and to perfectionistic. I think part of it is that OT, along with my personality made me think i could overcome anything with sheer force of will, and determination. I don't know what this means for me as a person or what's going on yet. But I apologize, I realize now that I was putting my problems on other people and I hope you guys can forgive me. Mental Illness is weird like that Insanity seems perfectly sane. I feel liek this entire time i've been running away from that. I try to escape the fact that I can't fix my own life by trying to master other things. and IT doesn't work. I know now that, I was wrong about everything. And the worst part. Part of me feels like this might be a temporary laps in sanity. That this might feel true but it isn't.
It's not so much that like i've accepted everything about it but more that I realized that i've been avoiding it. It's a weird paradox by trying to face my problems and overcome them, I've really been avoiding the larger problem that i can't. That some things you just can't fix by yourself. I'm not even going to try and understand why i reacted this way but it seems like it's part of my personality i just can't shake. I was self-destructive. I think i've accepted that my wounds can only scab over if i let them and that the scars will still remain. that seems to be an apt metaphor. I finally healed from the place i've been for so long. I don't know when it all started tbh. I can't really understand it myself. I just know my experience. It's like my subconcious and concious were working against each other. Now i've joined them together, I guess. I don't know what it all means yet. The Truth is powerful and a painful thing. Sometimes it's easier to live a lie than to except the truth. I don't expect you all to understand. But I hope to you can forgive me as I don't know if I will be able to be.
04 Jul 2020, 8:52 pm
