Does this sound like Asperger's to you?

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My boyfriend (now ex) and I would constantly fight. We were together for about a year and a half and his reason for breaking up with me was that his, "family made him realize that he isn't happy"... His mom is very controlling. He's 22 and still gets grounded and has a curfew. When we would get into an argument, my boyfriend (I'll call him ken) would text her & tell her things that I said & she's respond telling him what to say...like coaching him! I read texts from his mom once saying "I don't want you to think I hate her but she's the only person that can't get close to our family & I don't want anything to come between me, you & your brother"... this didn't make sense to me because I am the first girlfriend that Ken has ever had.. so there hasn't been other girls before me that were close to the family. Ken's older brother is 26 & only had one girlfriend whom he dated for 13 years. She was very close to his family & a lot of it was because she did not like her own parents! They broke up, however.

Anyways, like I said, I was the first girlfriend. When I first met him, was at lunch when a mutual friend of ours suggested we all eat together since we had a same break during classes. We met once almost every week and Ken would hardly say a word. One day, a couple weeks after we met the two of us walked to class together since it was in the same building. I asked him something about architecture (he's an architect major) & he started rambling on & on about the architecture around campus and i was shocked because i have never heard him speak that much before!

We hung out a couple of times together always with a group of friends and sometimes we'd grab drinks with just the two of us but about only a month & a half later we started dating. He is a very sweet, handsome and kind guy and I really liked him.

A couple months after we started dating, we got into a fight because we were at a bar where a lot of college kids go and you usually run into a lot of people you see. I was bumping into a lot of friends all night and me & Ken went together but halfway through the night I couldn't find him. After calling him about 30 times without answering I found out that he got picked up by his brother. He wouldn't answer my calls till the next day when he told me he left because he felt like I kept running away from him... and I tried to explain that I just kept seeing a lot of people that i knew and was so excited to see friends I haven't seen in a while. It was a HUGE fight that was all such a misunderstanding. A text from his mom regarding this incident said "if you want her to take you seriously don't text her back..good boy" I couldn't believe it he couldn't handle a problem on his own!

We would constantly fight ALL the time about things that I said in a joking context or sarcastically when everyones laughing or having fun & later Ken would blow up at me over what I said. When I try to explain that what he's saying is not what i meant, he wouldn't even listen. He wouldn't see things from my perspective. So many times during an argument he would literally RUN away from me & I would have to chase him! When I do try to talk to him when we're fighting it would turn into a screaming match because he would throw almost a tantrum. Yelling & screaming. One time he threw all the gifts I gave to him away, took a picture of it and sent it to me. Almost every fight he would break up with me & tell me that it's over & then later tell me that he didn't mean it & he wants to be together.

A recurring fight we would have was when he would cancel our plans that we made. Sometimes it was because he had a lot of school work & sometimes he would cancel because his mom would make him hang out with his brother or just stay home. I would get so hurt every time he cancelled because it made me feel so unimportant to him. When I tried explaining how I felt, he would say that i'm not understanding or supportive. He would tell me that he has good reasons to cancel & that he never makes me feel unimportant...even though I'm clearly explaining that what he's doing DOES make me feel like that.

Another fight we would always get into & one of the main reasons he said he broke up with me was because I wasn't close to his family. We were only dating for a year so I don't really understand this. Like I said, his brother's girlfriend was around his family for 13 years & she didn't like her own parent's so she was around Ken's family all the time. She also lived 5 minutes away from them so was at their house all the time. I live about 30 minutes away (without traffic) & drive to town every day for school. Ken lived very close to school so his commute everyday was 5-10 minutes. So on the weekends we'd usually hang out at my house & he's stay over because I didn't like to drive to town on the weekends. I never thought it was a big deal because I thought Ken understood that my drive is far every day & he only had to drive far to my house once a week. My family always has many social events, functions or promos to go to and I would invite Ken all the time to them, which is how he got to know my family. Ken's mom is a stay at home mom and his dad is always working. His family doesn't go out so he wouldn't have anything to invite me to. When he did invite me to family events like during the holidays or for dinners, I would always go. But the fact is, I invited him to a lot more things that my family did but he said I should have just gone over to his house more & just spent time with him & His family even though they weren't doing anything. Its like he never understood that 1) my drive to his house is really far & I drive far for school & work everyday & 2) he hardly invited me to do things with his family because his family doesn't do anything.

It sounds like a terrible relationship but when things were good they were really good! But a lot of times he would tell me that he couldn't do something or he couldn't spend the whole day out because he needs to go home to "Recharge" I never understood this & told him that we hardly get to spend time during the week together so on the weekends I want to spend as much time as possible together.. and asked why he couldn't "recharge" with me or at my house. He would always say he just needs to be home.

I went through a health scare once & I got a phone call with some bad news. Everythings fine now, but I was told that as a precautionary that I should seen an oncologist. I didn't want to tell ken because I didn't want to worry him or look for pity but I got upset over something really stupid & I realized that I was just scared & in a bad mood because of the health news I got & so I apologized to Ken for overreacting. I told him what the doctor told me & why I was acting the way i was & his response was "is that it? cause i need to go" I couldn't believe thats how he responded when I told him what the doctors told me. I was so hurt. Months later, when we were fighting he brought up the fact that he thought I was lying about that & said I was manipulative & will say anything to get my way. I would NEVER think about making up a story about something as serious as that. & the reason I did tell him because I knew I was in a bad mood & i took it out on the wrong person... when I tried explaining that he just said that I lie to get my way!

Ken would ALWAYS think that something happened that never really happened and sometimes get upset over it. Sometimes he would twist the story from how it happened as well and when old arguments are brought up in new arguments he'll say something that didn't even happen to use against me.

He doesn't have many friends.. I can count 5 close acquaintances that he has, one of them being his brother. I'm friends with some of them now & one of his friends told me recently after we broke up that Ken's mom called his mom to ask if he can ask Ken to hangout! We're 23 years old!

Ken also shared with me that when he was younger, like elementary school, he had to take a bunch of tests for ADD/ADHD because they thought something was wrong with him because he wouldn't talk much. The school told his that he should be in special education & he wouldn't be able to go to college but Ken's mom refused to put him in special education. I don't think that he's mentally challenged because he does very well in school now but the school & psychiatrists thought there was something wrong with him when he was little... I'm wondering if there wasn't enough knowledge of asperges's around this time for them to identify it? Ken always told me that he "felt different".

Like I said, when things were good between us, they were really good. He had no problem complementing me and was very kind when we weren't fighting. He was like a totally different person when we weren't fighting. I always thought that because I was his first girlfriend he was still learning & that it would get better... but every fight was about the same things. I really want to know if this sounds like asperges's or not... if it is, then i'll at least have an explanation for his behavior & maybe will be able to adjust myself & attempt to get back together..

Stay away from the guy and the family. A 22-year-old shouldn't have a mother as a Cyrano De Bergerac.

Aspie or no, a man has to be more independent from his family than this guy apparently is.

It's possible that he's Aspergian--but I don't see any clearly Aspergian characteristics in what you describe.

I hope he is able, soon, to remove the yoke which his family has around his neck.

I always just kind of thought that this was immaturity that would get better with time.. but I see his 26 year old brother still asking Ken to lie to their mom about where he was or who he was with. His mom reads his text messages & his brother still lives at home. Ken's mom would often tell ken that he has to stay home & hang with his older brother because he's "lonely"... I guess I believed that Ken would become more independent & learn to stick up for himself (& me).

He has issues that he needs to get disgnosed for sure. Autistics usually have black and white thinking, so constantly changing his mind about being in a relationship with you is not consistent with that.

Well every time he "broke up" with me... it didn't really ever seem serious. It always seemed like he said it out of anger without even thinking of what he was saying. He would never like to talk about disagreements or problems & he'd often hold it in till he totally explodes & thats when he'd break up with me.

A man or a person has to be more independent???

His mother is controlling to the point of abusive. He is in an abusive relationship with his mom. People in abusive relationships don't magically 'get out', they need support and help and need to have an idea that what they have is wrong.

This is my experience with my AS ex. He and I have poor communication when it comes to us. A large part of this stems from not knowing how or what to say, probably because any social rules he's learned work only in group social situations. It's hard to learn that people want openness, self expression and honesty in relationships when the rest of the time social interaction seems to want to have none of those things.

I can't believe the blame you are placing on someone whose very mother is that controlling!! This isn't an abusive ex or something either; this is what he's known his entire life. If you cannot comprehend the serious damage this will do to someone's psyche, to never 'be yourself', to have always had someone making sure you are doing the 'right' thing: to be like 'guess he's not man enough', you need to reexamine your perceptions.

I'm a little confused... are you saying I'm wrong by my perception that something might be wrong with him? Yes, this is all that he's known for his whole life, but most people can decipher when something is "off" with the way that his mom treats him & his brother.

..no?

There seem to be multiple things 'wrong' with him. He seems likely on the spectrum. He is also being abused by his mother. People in abuse *always* are affected negatively by it, so he will also have serious mental problems because of the ongoing abuse.

I think I don't understand what you were getting at because we have very different notions of what abuse is.

Move on. Fast.....

I see more emotional abuse than physical abuse. I hope there isn't physical abuse!

I understand this is probably a complex situation with the family, and that the guy can't just magically "become independent."

But he has to work towards that goal, probably with the help of other people. He can't let himself remain in that situation. He can't say: "I am abused, and I can't get out of it because I am being abused." He has a brain. He needs to do something about it.

A bunch of women in Cleveland were kept locked up in a house for ten years, subjected to sexual abuse. They never gave up. Eventually, all the women escaped, and the guy was sentenced to something like 10,000 years in prison (he killed himself in prison).

It's ridiculous for him to have a curfew and to be "grounded" at age 22.

It's ridiculous for his mother to serve the Cyrano role when he's 22 (even when he's 14 or so!)

I agree that one must themselves wants to escape. He may not recognize what's going on though.

My mom was very controlling. Not like that but enough that only very recently have I realized the depths of the role of what it's done to my psyche.

(If it seems like I'm far more concerned with his mom situation than his probable autism disorder, it's because I am. Autism is not the end all of a relationship, nor is it something unhealthy that needs to be resolved.)

Yep...you're 100% correct....it's the relationship with the mom which is the concern.

Unfortunately, unless something really massive happens, I would think that this is the way it will remain. He is 22. Only he can make that decision to do something about it and at that age, I doubt there will be any change unless it is forced upon him.

I guess it doesn't really matter if he has Aspergers or not with his mom... His friend from high school told me recently that the only reason he's been hanging out with Ken lately is because Ken's mom called his mom to tell her that we broke up & if his friend can ask Ken to go out & stuff. I couldn't even believe that she would do that. It's weird that with me, Ken would always cancel because he needed to "spend time at home" but his mom goes out of her way to ask other peoples parents if their kids can hang out with him. We're 23 years old

Another thing about his mom... Ken's older brother graduated over 3 years ago now, & he has been lying about the college degree that he has. He has a degree in communications, but he tells everyone (including his dad) that he has a degree in business. So Ken, his brother and his mom are all lying to the dad... I couldn't believe even his mom could lie about that too! she doesn't work so the only income the family has is from his dad.. which means that he paid for all of the tuition, and she's lying to him!

I just wanted answers, to know if he has may have this condition or not. I felt if he did have Asperger's then I could at least have an explanation for his actions & learn how I could cope with it better & be better as a girlfriend to him. And it probably sounds stupid to even want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't even treat me the best, but the problems we had I felt could always be worked through & the thing with his controlling mom... well, my dad's mom was also very controlling but my dad made the choice to make his own decisions & not listen to everything his mom told him to do. Today, my dad has been married to my mom for 27 years & is the VP of a company! My dad's brother on the other hand, didn't decide to "break free" from his mom & is still single, living in an apartment my grandparents paid for working at a job his mom suggested he get into! So, I always kind of thought Ken would one day break off from his mom too, like my dad did..