aspie and trans?

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Hi All, I have a 7 year old aspire boy who, for some time now, has told me he wishes he were a girl and/or he feels like a girl inside...is jealous that girls "have more beauty"....and can wear beautiful dresses...twice in his life has changed his name at school to a girls name...and when a stranger thinks he's a girl and we correct them - he gets furious. I just bought him a dress. i have no idea as to why i'm posting. don't know what exactly I'm looking for. feel like I've just started to feel really settled with aspergers and now feel like theres something else i have to wrap my head around. of course, my husband and i will follow his lead...but I'm scared and worried. about what exactly I'm not sure.

This is not unusual. It would probably be better posting in either Parenting or LGBT sections. I'm sure someone will have some useful advice for you.

thanks very much - yes, I posted on both of those forums as well.

You are not alone! Our daughter initially insisted on a gender neutral name when she was 3.5yo, then by 4 told us simply that she was a girl and wanted to go by (girlname). We met up with other parents, went to conferences, talked to doctors & therapists and in the end simply decided to help her transition as easily as possible. Believe it or not, once they - and you - get settled in to their correct gender, that aspect can pretty much fade into the background until puberty if school and activities groups are accepting (or in our case, respectful of medical privacy as that was the approach we took at the time some years back). For us, it's mostly a non-issue at this point even though she's due to start blockers soon. Trans people are somewhat more likely to be on the spectrum, btw, so you'll find more parents of kids who are both than you'd expect. Especially on other online support groups such as GenderSpectrum's Lounge & TYFA's Yahoo! Group. We still drop in occasionally, but as that aspect has faded into the background we are finding that being an aspie has a far larger impact on her life, and ours. And Wrong Planet is the best community I've found yet for that.

My guess is you are probably posting because buying the dress made it *real*. It's a lot to process, and a big adjustment. There are family, friends and schools to deal with. Choices to make as to who to tell and when and how. Don't be surprised if as you accept it, you need to grieve for the future you had planned for your daughter. But if that happens, please, please do remember that was *your* version of her. The future you can give her now will enable her to be an even happier, more productive & loving person!

No need to fear, I myself am an Aspergian transwoman, and I can offer guidance and advice to you!

It is surprisingly more common for people on the autism spectrum to identify as transgender than it is for neurotypical people, so you don't need to worry if there is anything broken about him (or her if this is the path your child stays on). There are a plethora of reasons for this that I can explain later if you want more information; just message me and I will answer.

For me personally, I have found that transitioning from male to female, although it has brought with it many challenges, has overall made my life easier by reducing my gender dysphoria and the depressive and anxious symptoms associated with it. You may even find that some of the more negative aspects of Asperger's syndrome may fade as your child becomes more comfortable in their skin, although I can't 100% guarantee this. I have also noticed that some traits of Asperger's syndrome are more acceptable in females (traits like dyspraxia, and exectutive dysfunction to name two) whereas others seem to be more acceptable in males (men can get away with poor social skills, and being overly analytical).

Also, I should note that many of the difficulties we transgender people face in their lives are due largely to the fact that many of us just don't pass, and people view us as "men in dresses" or "butch lesbians" depending on which way we transition. You are fortunate then, that your child has the confidence to voice their identity at such a young age. If early intervention is taken, a young transgirl with Asperger's syndrome can grow up to live a life that is normal relative to any other woman on the spectrum.

Another difficulty many of us face is rejection from those we have come out to. Whatever happens, it is critical that you are caring and supportive of your child. Transitioning may be a choice, but being transgender isn't. We can't help the way we feel, and suppressing it can only cause damage; such tears are better left unshed.

Regardless of what happens, I am available for assistance regarding this matter, and I wish you and your child best of luck on what is sure to be interesting journeys!

Thank you so much for these very thoughtful responses! I'm kind of freaking out...I want to ask my child so many questions but not sure if I should?...like how long has she known she's a girl...how did it feel when people referred to her as a boy, etc. do you think this is ok? Or should I get some therapy for myself first to ensure I can handle the answers?

Try and be patient, I'm sure all your questions will be answered sooner or later.

Good point..

I think it would be best to deal with immediate issues as they arise, if you need to ask questions then a few at a time would be best. Only you can know what is right at that point in time. If this leaves you with unknowns churning around your brain then it would be a good idea to seek someone who is a reliable sounding board, whether that is a friend, a counsellor, therapist or whoever can fill that role for you.

Hi there,

My son is 9 years old and I can identify with what you are going through. He is not diagnosed aspie (I am self-diagosed aspie female). When I was growing up I felt very different and had a hard time identifying with both boys and girls. Just in general I felt different from humans all together. This is same feeling my son has expressed to me he feels as well. However, he feels that out of the two he can identify more with girls. He is a very visual learner and spends a lot of time in his art. He also tends to withdraw into fantasies which mostly consists of My Little Pony. We allow and encourage him to express himself as he feels necessary. At first I too was worried about this and wanted to shelter him from being picked on/ bullied at school. However, I realized that he is comfortable in his own skin and doesn't care what other people think of him. We have had many discussions about gender roles and social expectations at home. I make sure that he knows he does not have to conform to how society believes he should act/think/feel because he is a boy. I don't press any conversation with him that he is not comfortable with and will only bring it up if it happens to be something that is on his mind or maybe something that comes out of his artwork. For instance, we were working on a writing project and I asked him to draw a picture of his inner editor. My eldest son drew himself in an old BMW. While my 9 year old son drew a boy and a girl standing next to each other. This prompted me to ask him to explain what he drew and why he chose a boy and girl as his inner editor. Or once in awhile he will strike up a conversation about how a girl can be trapped in a boys body and I encourage discussion on this topic when he wants to talk about it. I don't make a big deal out of it and I know that he feels loved and accepted in our home. Is this the right approach as a parent? I have no idea what I'm doing honestly but I hope that this at least helps you to see you are not alone in this. Thank you for sharing!

Seven is usually old enough to be able to tell you if it's okay to ask questions, so when you are ready you can choose your moment and ask if it's okay for you to ask them about it. What answers would you *not* be able to handle, please?