Ever unhappy about being so highly functional? (TRIGGERS)

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I feel I ought to apologize in advance, as I think the question I'm posing here could be a bit of a touchy subject. So, I'm sorry; I do not mean to make light of any troubles that people who have less functionality may experience due to autism, nor to devalue the accomplishments that higher functioning people have made in living within an NT world. I'm just trying to find out if my personal experience is reflected among others here. Also, this post might have some triggers for some people, so you might not want to read it.

What started me down this line of thinking was when I came across some videos on youtube on the subject of Asperger's/Autism while trying to investigate if I could possibly be autistic in some way.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U05xcavvgno[/youtube]

In this one, Taylor Morris talks about her life as a high-functioning autistic person. She responds to the question

by saying

She then talks about when her therapist tried to teach her those skills, and relates her experience with the words:


Of course, eventually, she learned many of those skills, and is now quite highly functional. I don't know how her functionality feels to her, but there was another video whose... er... author(?) was more descriptive about this point.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFxWdpuyY6o[/youtube]



I feel much the same, though I also tend to describe it as speaking a foreign language, translating my thoughts, or letting the robot speak for me. "The robot" being the system of behaviors, inflections and facial expressions that I have built and programmed over the years to elicit favorable reactions from people.

But the problem comes next. In any friendship where I feel comfortable enough to tell the other person about this, they always tell me that they'd rather I just behaved "naturally" around them. They want to be nice to me, they don't want me to have to put on the act. They're offering to accept me for who I am, non-judgmentally.

And it is a nice offer, but the thing is, I can't do it. When I'm with someone, and I think about trying to really be myself, I freeze up. I don't know how. I mean, I can sit there and let the robot talk, and I can clearly recognize that what "I" (really, the robot) am doing, though it might be second nature, is not really *my* nature. But I don't know how to put the robot back in the box, and speak for myself. Not to other people. And when I freeze up, it's about equal parts bafflement and fear, although it took me a long time to recognize that the fear was fear, and not just more confusion.

The best way I can think to explain the fear is this: abused children will generally learn ways of behaving that they believe will result in minimizing the abuse they receive. Often this is a false belief, for abusers don't actually abuse because of someone else's behaviors, they abuse because of something within themselves. But the point is, the child develops an act to minimize abuse, usually based on cues the abuser feeds to them (eg - "if you could only clean the kitchen properly I wouldn't have to hit you). Similarly, I feel like I have developed the programming of the robot based on cues given to me by others, some who were bullies, some who were well intentioned people. But the point is, I have an act that I have developed in order to minimize bullying, exclusion, abandonment, mockery, and so on. And for the most part I use this act to better communicate with nice people rather than bullies. But the emotional foundations that made me learn this act are still there, somewhere, and still being felt on some subtle level even though most people don't react so negatively to the "natural" me anymore.

And now that I know a lot about how to communicate and socialize with people, I'm back to where Taylor Morris was before she learned how to do those things: I feel trapped. As she says later in her video:

This is also true for me, and it means that when the robot is working, I'm *trapped*. I'm buried underneath all this weirdness I don't understand, and I can't be *normal* ie I can't be *me*.

Another way to describe this feeling is that in learning how to mimic neurotypical people, what I have effectively done is carve away parts of myself and replace those parts with pieces of other people. And more than just being an existential angst thing, it makes other areas of my life really suck. For example one big problem I've never solved is that I can't really tell if I've ever been in love, excepting when it's been unrequited love. Because the way it works for me is that when an acceptable woman starts showing a desire for me, all of a sudden I am equally interested in her, no matter how totally uninterested I was in her before I knew she felt that way. So now not only am I not acting like myself, but I'm not even serving my own desires, but rather someone else's.

Last Christmas I was visiting my family back home, and on Christmas Eve we went to my godfather's house, and a family friend came up in conversation. This family friend is the third person in the trio of best friends that includes me mother and godfather. He is now raising a child that both my mother and godfather strongly suspect to be autistic. Leaving aside for the moment that this family friend does not appear to be coping well with the challenges of an autistic daughter and treats her badly as a result, I heard a lot of stories about how she's habitually uncommunicative, or has meltdowns and throws tantrums and goes off to sulk alone. I mean, they were basically telling me how much of a huge problem this little girl is, and how much she must be suffering because of her (suspected) autism.

And all I felt was jealousy. It sounds ridiculous, and I'm sure many people will think that I ought to be ashamed for saying this, but I was so jealous of this little girl. That she could react "naturally" to things that upset her. That she could be quiet and not talk. *I* can't do that! For all the sophistication of what I've learned to be able to do to pass as normal, I am finding that I hate how high-functioning I am. Yes, I know that if I were lower functioning I would suffer other problems in other ways, but right now all I can think about is how I've lost so much of myself to what other people expect of me, how I can't *be* *me*.

I also can't think of how to wrap this up. I'm getting pretty emotional about this and it looks kind of scattered and strange. But basically, this is the situation I'd like to compare with others here: I have some deep resentment and pain at my "high-functioning" social adaptation. Does anyone else ever get this? Or do I just sound whiny and overpriviledged?

When I was at school, there were bad kids - ie. these kids knocked people over in corridors or outside, vandalised school property at every opportunity (ie. engraving graffiti into desks and other furniture etc.) - but they were "looked after" - apparently none of it was their fault - they were abused and/or came from bad families bla bla - so they basically got away with bloody murder and were never punished or yelled at.

I on the other hand was generally a model student and altho admittedly quite lazy about doing homework - especially assignments - I worked hard and well at school and my assignments were excellent when I finally got round to doing them. IF however I got caught roughhousing a bit or in an out of bounds area or failed to produce work in time for THE FINAL deadline I got the friggin book thrown at me and was made to feel like the lowest form of filthy slime on the planet - because apparently I had no excuse for not always being perfect...

I feel a very similar thing seems to be the case in broad terms with "mild" AS - ie. someone who exhibits that they have definitely "something" wrong with them gets all due consideration (and rightly so - I'm not at all arguing that) - but if I don't get things right I'm treated like an as*hole or a freak or wierdo and I get absolutely no slack.

When I'm unhappy about being supposedly HFA it's usually because I don't feel high-functioning enough to be independent, which is what I want desperately to be. I hate the idea of having to depend on another person, effectively burdening them, and it depresses me greatly when I have to.

One example is that I still am mostly dependent on my Mother, and I really don't want to be. But until school is over I can't do that because I'm dead sure I'd get overwhelmed.

On the other hand, I hate being high-functioning sometimes because there are lower functioning aspies out there. I don't know how to explain it, but I really feel that they should've gotten it. I don't know.

And finally, most people seem to think that just because I'm higher functioning, my social difficulties are invalidated.

That's all, I think.

I apologise in advance since English is my second language.
I guess you could say I am a low functioning aspie. I could easily adapt myself with the crowd or so called, NTs. but I have given up. Unless the NTs I have come across have demonstrated themselves to be understanding human beings who are willing to work with the differences, I am not going to put on the “mask” in order to just please them.
You could say my life or lives of my immediate social-circles have been deteriorated or on the verge of the breaking point because of my unwillingness to compromise because at this point, I just do not care.
I used to be quite humble and very very receptive and understanding individual for most of my life. I have been subservient for most of my life in order to please them or just be able to go on living. But at this point, I have decided to never to play along in order to please. either, I would be killed or I will kill someone if this game continues.
I would even go as far as calling those people as people with Neuro-typical “Syndromes” it should be upsetting for those with any of those so called, “syndromes” as if they are the ones with "problems". I mean, if anything, Everyone is messed up.
They like to create these names, depressive, manic-depressive, autistic, aspies...I just find it absolutely revolting. I mean, creating these Names are acceptable to describe certain “personality” traits. because without those terms, they would not be able to market the drugs, make profits off these people, and would extremely feel at unease with themselves knowing that they are somehow “different” from what is considered as “ideal” types of personality traits.
I do not believe in “mental disorders”. I believe everyone is different. and that is perfectly acceptable. that’s how life should be. and No one should be medicated especially against their will in order to “please” the masses.
There are enough people in this world with these autistic traits that We could even create a town or even a community like this.
I am going to be writing few more articles on this forum because I feel uncertain as to how much longer I would be able to endure this agony dealing with the so called, NTs.

Last edited by staralfurious on 18 Jun 2011, 11:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My frustration is akin to the second video - people try to tell me that I am not AS because they don't know what to look for. I don't feel frustrated about my functioning, but I do feel frustrated about assumptions made regarding my functioning.

I liked the first video, and loved Taylor Morris' description of stimming to get into her autistic mind. It sounds like what I do when I walk, or stim. It's like stimming turns on this whole world, although some things are more effective than others.

I'm unhappy about being high functional because the specialist & other professionals do not believe I have anything on the autism spectrum so I can NOT qualify for any kind of autism related services/support/help/accommodations. I have lots of problems related to my AS but sense I don't officially have AS; I don't have an excuse for being the way I am. I get Social Security Disability & some slack with others because I have physical disabilities but they expect me to be NT mentally which I cant be

In terms of social adaptation, I am not high-functioning enough to be able to develop scripts or to know what kind of scripting to use or to carry out scripts even if I had any, but I can understand where you are coming from. Knowing what is expected and not being able to carry it out as well as others or having to expend far more effort doing something that others do effortlessly would be frustrating, so I can see how you would wish to be less high-functioning in this area.

I feel very little of the positives of social connection and very little of the negatives of social pressure. I have never felt trapped, neither from lacking social skills, which I really really really lack, or from pretending to be "normal", which I can't do as long as I am expressing my decidedly "abnormal" thoughts. I am just myself all of the time. I think that you are right to question whether a high level of social functioning would be conducive to happiness for an autistic person. It would also be very exhausting to maintain that level for long periods of time.

I relate to this part so much.

Although I was diagnosed as a young child, I would not qualify for the diagnosis any longer (according to my current psychologist). I could make an argument, though, that even though I can easily pass as NT, I feel like I have been pre-programmed in a way to use scripts, non-verbal communication, and expressions of emotion that I feel isn't really how I'm supposed to be doing them, but I keep doing them in order to make the connections I desire from other people. I learned this the same way I think NTs learn it...from imitating and seeing it in other people.

Even though I question it, I cannot ust stop myself, because at the same time, I am far too anxious, self-aware, and self-concious of what others would think of me if I did it. I have, however, been trying to revert to a natural state around others on the spectrum...and have found that while it is liberating in a way and I like it to some extent, I find my script and rote based adjusted state for NTs much more comfortable, simply because it's a way of being that I am more adjusted to. It still feels more predictable for myself as there is a comfortable sense of sncronicity in NT social skills, and when I see myself deviating from them, I feel embarrassed. hat does not change the sense of it being false though.

So I understand the feeling of being jealous over people who are lower functioning. You are hardly alone.

That this happens at all is a strong argument to add criteria for adults to the DSM.

Not to minimize anything you said. I admit I have a lot of trouble wrapping my brain around the idea that one can be autistic as a child but not as an adult. It strikes me as almost superstitious.

I have trouble even understanding myself how I was able to display full blown AS as a kid and just display traits (as opposed to the full blown diagnosis) as an adult.

It has something to do with becoming aware of my behaviors as I got older and then becoming extremely self-conscious about my AS traits to the point where I trained myself to hide most of them. My brain is still inherently wired as AS though, and because of this I know I will always have it regardless of what anyone says. I have recently been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder as a result of being so self-concious, so the fact that I've been conditioned to hide my AS created problems in themselves. I also have very strong obsessions and OCD traits...the difference is that I keep these hidden (due to my strong sense of appropriate/inappropriate) that no one sees these as issues.

Right, it seems like not displaying isn't the same as not being. I am not sure if it came across properly, but I did mean what your psychologist said.



Yeah. I'm not nearly as good at noticing and thus hiding traits as you are, but I've had my own stress/anxiety issues related to this. It's clearly still there and having an impact. I have seen people here talk about doing it long enough things fall apart and they burn out. For that matter, so did I.

I see what you mean now. And I honestly think that when traits are forcibly hidden, it will come out in the form of anxiety of stress, even if there isn't any outward signs of the traits themselves, and disorder can come as an inability to adjust. I have seen the same phenomeon on the boards and with others on the spectrum I know. Someone on the spectrum that I know personally has only subtle signs of AS (she was diagnosed as a young child, like me) but has noticeable anxiety and even experiences panic attacks. So, from what I know, this experience seems to be quite common.

The second video describes my life. I have to admit that it brought me to tears, because I thought I was the only person that went through that.

NT's have no idea of all the effort it takes to live in their world. Its such a relief to get home from work and drop the charade and be myself. No wonder I need so much sleep.

I just realized that if you made therapist into two words it spells The Rapist.

Welcome to the late 90s to the early 2000s.

I can't find a video of it, but a lot of the humor was Sean Connery misreading words, one of which was "therapist" as "the rapist."

Why is it embrassing? A benefit of being HF is you can fake it to some level and advance in a NT society.

I run off of scripts that I have evolved and changed through out my life. I have set responses to specific questions, I am on guard for big non-verbal cues, for those "trigger" phrases people use.

But things change when I am relaxed, drunk, or anger. I drop the scripts and its 100% me, but this repels most NT. I become offensive, brash, blunt, and overly honest.