How do you learn social cues

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My 12-year-old aspie son has a tough time in playing with NT kids because he tends to confuse other kids playfulness with aggression.

Yesterday, when his younger brother threw a soft pillow at him, he proceeded to beat his younger brother on the head really hard. When I asked him about it, he answered that he thought his younger brother was hitting him with the pillow.

A few weeks ago, he had a similiar accident with a young girl (6-year-old) at a party. When the girl tossed a ball at him hitting his feet, he went on to throw the ball back at the girl's body as hard as he could, causing her to cry. He escalated the situation by kicking another 9-year-old girl in the shin (viciously as I saw it, bruising her leg) when she scolded him, in front of a room of astonished parents who hardly know him

I would like to know from our adult aspie members how you learned about social cues while you were growing up. Are there some exercises I could do with my son so that he can correctly identify aggression from playfulness?

Thanks!

My girlfriend says she was taught things as "rules" when growing up, and often refers to her "rule book" (something that she believes I am lacking in). For her, they are "If... then..." types of statements. Things such as, "If a person says hello, then say hello back."

She was taught these things, and basically follows them to the letter. They have to be things that are applicable universally as well, so that one particular input doesn't require multiple outputs to choose between. (In other words, "If x then y" and "If x then z" could not both exist in the rulebook at the same time.) Also, I've discovered that nested If's (If x then if y then z) don't work for her either. Needless to say, she has a lot of rules.

She just came in the door, and did offer a few clarifications to what I wrote above. (I decided to keep it this way so you can get the benefit of two perspectives of the process, hopefully.) She can get both y or z as outputs from x, but there are extra rules that she can use to decide between y and z ("If x and v then y.", "If x and w then z.")

For the most part, her rules work well for her. However, as I have ADHD (a condition that may or may not be on the spectrum, depending on who you talk to) and tend to either not recognize, ignore, or play fast and loose with social rules, we can have some pretty heated disagreements.

Hope this helps. I know I got a bit abstract with all the x's and y's and such, so if you need me to clarify, let me know.

Peace.

JM

I used to have lots of trouble with "the dozens", or how guys (teenagers, etc.) rag on each other. I would always take it seriously and they'd see the look on my face and say "dude, I was just kidding!! !" And it would be a surprise to me, every time. But some of them were rotten enough to keep doing it for fun.

I'm better at it now, but it took a long long time for that to occur to me.

i learn things by doing them. within my ability, driving for instance is out of the question. since im uncoordinated like you wouldnt believe, that is also why i do not like video games. i get by ok i supose, i never get "out there" though

I remember when somebody tried to straighten my collar behind me. I hit him. I was 16 I think. I'm not strong or anything it was just a reflex I felt threatened. The guy was a prefect in my school. I was lucky to get away with just a punishment, that guy was mad.

It may be playfulness but throwing stuff at people esp. when they are not looking is confusing. Don't know what to suggest really. Alone time is good. Maybe it is harder on the brother because he doesn't know why his bro isn't joining in.