Torn between Asperger's or Borderline Personality Disorder.

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It might even be both. Co-morbid disorders I can't begin to tell where one ends and the other begins. I am going to a Psychologist(s) this year either way, but I'd like an objective opinion from "outsiders looking in" (so to speak) to narrow the possibilities down.

Will you help me please?

I'm a 23 yr. old Woman who has had interpersonal, communication, sensory, impulse, and emotional issues since I was a girl. I spoke in idioglossia as a child, and cried at my Birthday parties when everyone was singing because 1). I didn't like the laser-focused attention all on me, and 2). It would literally hurt my ears. I was suspected of having Asperger's in my childhood, but I've never had an official diagnosis. I'm accused of sounding pompous, when I have absolutely no clue of what the hell they are talking about. The Asperger's is all but official at this point, but it's the possibility of (also) having BPD that worries me.

And here's where the nefarious details come in:

- I have a hair-trigger temper. When my rage peaks (and it is rage), I could pass for the Devil incarnate. I don't throw things, and I rarely scream at people, but it's the sheer power and intensity of my emotions that scares people. "There's a darkness inside you" my Mother said to me when I was 18. It's a 50/50 chance it'll be directed inward, or externally expressed at you. You'll know from the expression on my face either way, and it'll last for an hour to several.

- I know all too well how powerful my temper is. What people will do to prevent it from being directed at them. And I have no shame in using it against you as a threat, to ensure the response I want (to leave me alone), so I can return to my baseline. Baseline being when I feel numb. Comfortably numb. Dissociated. It's the emotion that characterizes my Life more than any other. [Outside of anxiety.] If I don't feel happy, dissociation is second best. It's my safe zone. And if I can't because you're disrupting it, and you've hardened yourself against my manipulation tactic, I'll just use your "sweet spot" instead: Your insecurities. I can hone in on those like a beacon (though it doesn't come naturally, I can't just look at you and instinctively know), whether you've directly shared them with me or not. Nuclear weapons in a war of words.

- I understand people have the right to criticize me. I understand they have the right to cease contact with me for my behavior, and I have no qualms with apologizing for it. I have a pretty good sense of self-esteem, and I've never bought into the idea that other people should be made the source of my happiness or emotional stability. That's not what gets me. It's how much I hate that I'm the emotional equivalent of a flayed nerve. Criticize my behavior all you want, but I can only take so much until it becomes Eye for an eye. It's sensory and emotional overload. I just can't take it some days, and I'll get nasty to shut you up quickly.

- I've never had a friendship last more than two years. I don't know how to maintain one, and after awhile, I just don't want to. Sooner or later, it gets stale, with none of my needs met. I don't feel like you care about me anymore, I keep score of the emotional give-and-take, and I have a low boredom level. I want to actually do stuff and go places (at times...), but if it's mostly just over the phone and I rarely see you, I don't get the point. There needs to be at least some level of physical proximity, at least sometimes, for it to feel like a real friendship. And it needs to be more often than several times a year. I have high hopes at the start of every friendship, and then it ends in disappointment. The idealization-devaluation polarity is not a daily, weekly thing, and I honestly don't know if it qualifies as that.

- I'm self-defeating. And I don't know why.

- I have a type of humor that allows me to be very successful socially, and I love the attention of at least getting to feel normal sometimes. Like a drug I can't get enough of.

- I'm impulsive when it comes to infatuation, sex and attraction. It doesn't take much to feel attracted, even less to feel infatuated, and it wouldn't take much to have impulsive sex. And I know it. Which is exactly why I've never allowed myself to get 'close' to someone again, because I don't like to lose control. I know all to well the emotional consequences of what happens. I've all but given up until years into the future when I'll have a better handle on my...emotional proclivities. And it makes me feel disgusting because I know it's not healthy, but I'm drawn to the dynamic either way.

- My emotions are quick, but long lasting. A hair-trigger start, and a slow-burning end. They start to ease when you're disposition softens, or you apologize, but they never flip-flop in just one day.

- My perception of myself is pretty rigid, and my sense of self fairly consistent. But it does waver at times between the real me, and the persona I've created to fit in. And the near-constant dissociation is the cause of it.

Autism in Women presents behavior differently than in Men, with the tempestuous relationships and emotions appearing to mimic BPD to the outsider looking in supposedly. It's the inner workings, why and how they onset that are so different. So what do you think the verdict is? BPD or no BPD?

Any insight will be much appreciated. Thank you.

Last edited by k1hodgman on 05 Jan 2016, 5:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I just want to say I'm impressed that you are able to acknowledge these qualities in yourself, and that you're seeking help for your problems. I think your understanding is spot-on, and I would agree that some of these traits are associated with autism, while others seem more characteristic of BPD. Since you're asking for uneducated opinions, I'd venture that you're correct in suspecting you might have both.

In any case, welcome to the forum, and I hope we can help you while you're waiting to see the psychologist!

Thank you. On the upside, if I do have both, at least I (probably) have the Asperger's to keep me brutally honest with myself.

Anyone else with Asperger's or BPD that sees this in themselves?

After two botched suicide attempts, healthcare professionals diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder, which was approximately three years ago now.

From July '12- October '13, my mind was completely compelled by death, which I can perhaps ascribe to mixing marijuana with an anti-depressant. My brain was sizzling back then. Anarchy wasn't too far away. During this time, the very thought of killing myself was both alluring and exciting, and this is what led to the misdiagnosis of BPD. With the exception of two acts of self-destructive behaviour, I am baffled as to why they diagnosed me as I quite simply don't meet the criteria for BPD.

However, this diagnosis subsequently changed after a fully certified ASD assessor suspected that I was on the autism spectrum.

As a result of an assessment, my diagnosis has changed from Borderline Personality Disorder to High-Functioning Autism. I cannot profess to like labels being attached to me, but I certainly feel the secondary diagnosis to be the more accurate of the two.

I'm sorry the Healthcare system forced you to see Psychiatrists (I'm guessing you were caught in the act, and sent to a Facility?), only for them to screw your diagnosis up. And only to be able to find out about it years later.

I have to say, that that's probably the worst I can think of. A misdiagnosis is what scares me more than anything else. To think, you finally get a clear, honest, true view of yourself, only to be told it was a mistake. That you need to adopt a new one, from scratch, all over again. That because of my age, and more so because of my gender, I won't be looked at objectively. I will definitely be seeing only specialists in both.

I would think about suicide all the time in my teenage years. I would think of holding a knife to my wrists, mentally tallying the pros vs. cons of staying or going. I would want to so badly, but I never could. Because the Truth of Truth's was, I didn't want to die. Or rather I did (I don't think about it anymore), but why go without enjoying myself first?

Yes, I see a fair amount of this in myself. I'm diagnosed with BPD, and also have many Aspie traits. Fortunately my BPD isn't too extreme, but the AS symptoms may indicate something more.

Your self-knowledge is extremely good, and will be of great help to you.

Thank you.

What do you do to self-cope? I just dissociate all day, and that's not good.

To an extent I dissociate too. The nature of my work - I write, translate and edit literature as well as being involved with autism organisations - allows me to live in a parallel world a lot of the time. Over the years I have learnt to feel the extreme mood swings, the sudden rage or depression, without necessarily directing it outwards or inwards. If I'm lucky they just move through me and out again, but it doesn't always work, far from it! I also read Epictetus (there's a new translation of his Enchiridion available, called 'The Art of Living') and other philosophers every day. Oddly enough, numerology is helpful too.

The very few friends I do have tend to be on the spectrum, related to an Aspie or what NTs would call 'weird'. Like you I get bored with people if I have to do all the contacting. As you say, what's the point?

Your presentation didn't seem all that borderline PD to me. The childhood data does seem to support an autism diagnosis. One thing I looked for in your description was "splitting," where you overvalue or devalue a particular person, not always the same way. I also didn't see the self-harm that I identify with BPD.

Your rage and temper descriptions sound like they could be accounted for by the autism. It seems almost like you reach a meltdown stage and can no longer function. Could you tell us more about your sensory issues? Have you looked at what is happening that builds up to an outburst?

I hope you acquire some skills after your diagnosis (or even before it) that will help you get on better in day-to-day life.

I have BPD, Dysthymia, and Aspergers. I was professionally diagnosed with both Dysthymia (permanent low mood) and BPD before I was diagnosed with Aspergers. I couldn't relate to many of your points, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. We're all different from each other, and ASD is different in men and women (as you said). Your descriptions do fit the template for BPD, certainly enough to see someone about it.

Well, I don't really have the infatuation/sex issue that you do, for starters, since I identify as asexual anyways. I do have trouble maintaining my friendships though, although one of them was hit pretty hard by my friend's relationship with her boyfriend turning into an abusive one once they both were in college (the emotional kind). The sensory overload is definitely an autism thing, since my hearing is better than that of most my family it seems, I'm more sensitive to perfumes, and there are some kinds of fabric I just can't wear. Odds are you probably have from what I can tell.

This is coming from a young woman who's only 2-3 years younger than you.

I have no idea whether you have any diagnosis but think it is easy to get caught up in how one appears on the surface, and I think what is underneath matters a lot.

And as said you can have both.

But I would think about whether you are set off by people annoying you (may be more in BPD) or confusing you (may be more in ASD)and also how much your state of mind is affected by sensory issues like clothing that feels wrong, noise, too much light; whether you're uneasy but trying hard to understand others and are angry when they mysteriously accuse you of purposely doing things wrong and tell you they're angry and of course you know why....but you don't (more ASD). And whether when you talk to people their eyes glaze over like they are bored.

That said, I think since you aren't sure it's a lot easier if you can find someone trustworthy to assess and make recommendations.

I have the same set of diagnoses, albeit my diagnosis of BPD goes back many years, before Asperger's was that well known. I didn't agree with it and my own research took me to AS which I subsequently had confirmed by two different assessments. To clarify, one was an informal diagnosis from a clinical psychologist that I was working on the Dysthymia with and the other a private referral to a 'specialist' ASC service where I received my formal diagnosis.

During these different discussions both psychiatrist/psychologists discussed the closeness of many of the traits of both BPD and ASC and how many people have been misdiagnosed over the years. However, it is quite possible, as both Helloarchy and myself can attest, to have co-morbid diagnoses.

Are you in a position to seek explore this with an appropriate service? I know some people don't like the idea of labels, but it may help you make sense of things?

This is my experience too. Before being diagnosed with BPD, I went through the ASC diagnosis process, because all my traits are found in people on the autism spectrum. Although the ASC psychologist said I don't meet the criteria for AS, my GP believes we should explore the autism question further.

Traits and symptoms are a perennial problem for psychologists (and society in general), as there is a great deal of crossover between conditions. What matters, I think, is not so much the way that traits present, but what causes them in the first place. People with ASC, BPD, ADHD (and other conditions) can display the same behaviours, but their origin is quite different.

Could somebody enlighten me as to the meaning of ASC?