people believe I'm a lier or deceiver or generally a bad.
It's killing me.
I tell the truth. most of the time at least. In germany you are FORCED to lie sometimes. And when I tell the truth, I tell all of the truth. But most of the times I tell it in a way that it is understood as a lie or a try to deceive. Or sometimes I ask a question (because I wanna know the god damn answer!) but the question is understood as a mean of reaching some stupid sinister goal.
I'm a middle eastern guy. with thick THICK black eyebrows. pitch black hair. big nose. big round staring eyes. I look like an angry dangerous and negative criminal peadophile bank robber serial killer. I have a deep scratchy voice. Deep inside I have the heart of the young darryl hannah in the movie splash. It just DOESNT F-ing WORK FOR ME.
Examples: I went into the psychosomatic klinik because well I felt like i need f-ing help. At the same time i was in the middle of my naturalization process in germany and I needed a report that I am in the clinic and cant work. (you need to be working to be naturalized).
And the therapists and staff all treated me like s--t and made fun of my symptoms (like talking jibberish for 3 hours and being completely out of it) because they all believed I was making my illness up to skip working and get my german passport. I didn't get it until a patient over heard something and told me. I was just wondering why they treat me like s--t......
Example2: I went to get cigarettes. I asked the guy, who i knew, "do these still cost the same old x bucks?" I wanted to hand him the right amount. And he started telling me that he is not selling them more expensive than other shops and all that. (he thought I want discount) I didn't get it. I was just looking at him and wondering. As I handed him the money, I got all mixed up and thought I gave him not enough and I asked him: "that's the right amount right??" and he thought I want him to give me something back (discount) and got annoyed and started a rant abount how little win he makes on those cigarettes. He would never answer my greetings ever after that.
Example 3: I was prescribed Buspar in Iran, and I asked my doctor to prescribe it in germany. and as I was talking about it, i sayd: "and by the way, I bought these for 2 euros per 100 tabs. Medication is really cheap in iran." I bet he thinks that I didn't got prescribed those. But fact is, I actually bought those, because I have no insurance in iran and I paid the full price ALTHOUGH I HAD A PRESCRIPTION from a doctor who prescribe it to me without me asking her.
example 4: I went to an opticers shop to get new glasses and as the guy was testing my eyes I asked many technical questions about my eyes and what the numbers are and stuff because I wanted to know. At some point the guy started to give me funny BS answers and he generally acted funny. Upon hours of reflection I figured out he thought i want to find out my numbers, and gtfo of their shop and get my glasses somewhere else or from the internet and basically not from them. (I was basically just interested in my eyes physialogy)
It seems that I'm too stupid to talk and I should STFU It would probably help pretty much if I looked like the young Darryl Hannah,
but i look like a f-ink terrorist.
WTF should I do?
_________________
Male
Aspie score: 131 of 200
NT score: 34 of 200
Possibly Aspie (diagnosed by an autism expert, doc moves abroad, forced to change docs and all say it's schizophrenia NOS or schizo-affective disorde or personality disorders. initial doc was a colleague of uncle Simon btw. you do the math.). (edit: by Uncle Simon I mean Simon Baron Cohen. Just to clear things up.)
It sounds like you're having trouble with feeling misunderstood and with feeling that your motives are misunderstood. I'm sure that must be a really frustrating and upsetting experience. Because of the autism I get into lots of misunderstandings - so I know how difficult it can be and how it can make you feel bad about yourself.
One of the things I've tried when a misunderstanding is happening is to apologise and explain to people that I have autism and struggle to understand properly sometimes. Quite often this helps because then people know that I'm a bit odd and different and I'm not playing games or telling lies. Hope you feel better soon.
_________________
"That's no moon - it's a spacestation."
Diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ICD10)
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I think that some may well be how you look..unfortunately... But some may also be aspergers.. For instance, this conversation: viewtopic.php?t=303861 may apply as well. For instance #4, it may also have been that he took the questions as doubt in his knowledge or skills. Depending on phrasing, one can hear a question that is almost identical, in different ways.
I am white, and have similar issues in medicine..sometimes because what they've said is incorrect or not entitrely true, and others, simply because it's interesting and i want to learn more...and then there are the times i try to ask questions about it for 'small talk' and fail miserably
Similarly, with crappy people in health care, especially environments where their determination gets you something - e.g. an excuse from work, they'll predetermine 90% are fakers...a decent percent that go in there may be..but those of us who aren't end up in even worse shape than we started.
When it comes to the looks part, if you can, try not to focus or feel self-conscious about that as you can start giving off an awkward vibe that makes it a self-fulfilled prophecy. Maybe try for a bit to make believe you're aryan and respond to all statements accordingly and see if anything changes...some won't. But some might.
_________________
"When does the human cost become too high for the building of a better machine?"
I'm wondering is part of your problem that you do not speak German very well? Your English is fine, and I think many Germans speak English, but perhaps the language is an issue.
If you have an accent it could also potentially cause misunderstandings. Sometimes something said in a different sort of accent can sound like a different emotion than what the person is trying to convey. This can be because the native tongue has a different way of conveying emotion, and then what is said is interpreted in a way unintended by the speaker.
Looking different could also be causing the problem, unfortunately. I believe you are possibly correct about that. Many people are worried about terrorism these days, at least around here. If you look the way they believe a terrorist might look, they may not want to interact with you. But I don't really know, as I'm not in your country or situation.
And then Asperger's causes problems all by itself. I have difficulty trying to figure out what people mean all the time. And people misunderstand me and do sometimes get offended. And I am in my native country, with no accent, am never mistaken for a terrorist, yet it still happens to me.
I think that not talking is not a good solution. Perhaps trying to take time thinking about what you say before you speak will help. Sometimes it works for me. Smiling and seeming friendly may also help. But I'm not sure about what works best in German culture since I have never been there.
Good point on the german language and accent.
There also is the unfortunate fact that some people are deeply bigoted against "all those damn foreigners". And the second you open your mouth, an accent comes out and you're thrown in that group. at which point, no matter what you say, you can't win (with the bigots).
_________________
"When does the human cost become too high for the building of a better machine?"
My german is EXCELENT. I can interpret Goethe and Schiller like a champ. I have nill accent. I haven't use a dictionary in the past 12 years.
My LANGUAGE sucks. I'm bad at language. any languguage. the problem is not the german. the problem is that I talk rubbish. It would be nice if I had accent or would use wrong grammer and such, in that case people would attribute the rubbish to bad german or think they misunderstood me or something. but with me speaking perfect german and talking rubbish, they interpret the rubbish in more problematic ways.
_________________
Male
Aspie score: 131 of 200
NT score: 34 of 200
Possibly Aspie (diagnosed by an autism expert, doc moves abroad, forced to change docs and all say it's schizophrenia NOS or schizo-affective disorde or personality disorders. initial doc was a colleague of uncle Simon btw. you do the math.). (edit: by Uncle Simon I mean Simon Baron Cohen. Just to clear things up.)
My LANGUAGE sucks. I'm bad at language. any languguage. the problem is not the german. the problem is that I talk rubbish. It would be nice if I had accent or would use wrong grammer and such, in that case people would attribute the rubbish to bad german or think they misunderstood me or something. but with me speaking perfect german and talking rubbish, they interpret the rubbish in more problematic ways.
I think you are right. Aspergers are usually having less trouble in a foreign country and when speaking the foreign language less well.
I would not take incidents like that with the optician or with the cigarette seller too seriously. Some people (on the spectrum?) are not so good at understanding if a person shows true interest in something or needs more information than average, or dont actually react very much to what you say, but rather look for an opportunity to get into the discourse they know best or obsess most about at the moment. I can imagine that it can be annoying when things like that happen very often, and they certainly happen more to Aspergers when to others, but the important thing is not to get annoyed too much.
For doctors and therapists: many are on the spectrum themselves, so they are not the best to judge whether a person is faking a problem or actually having it, or whether someone is saying the truth or not, and they are not necessarily very good at understanding the background with getting a prescription in a Far East country and paying for the medicine (For the latter: most people dont get that and judge from what they know from their own country, e.g. many people her wont get what your are up to simply because they are Amercians and dont consider that the German health care system is different from their, and that the one in Irak is more similar to theirs)
As for the incongruence between how you feel like and behave and your voice and outward appearance, and what effect this has on people, you are most probably right. I find the voice of an Aspie man also quite confusing and consider this as the main reason for his having problems with getting and holding a job; he has a high voice, which sometimes goes into hiatus. Or with another slightly Aspie man who has like you a rather deep and scratchy voice and talks in a pretty monotonous tone: actually with him I think it is mainly the monotonous tone that makes it sometimes difficult to follow him, plus that he tends to talk more than I am interested in the subject, in fact the extra effort of listening reduces my interest considerably, and a lot when I am tired.
As you said that you have a scratchy voice, and this seems to be something that might be changed. How uncomfortable do you feel with it? And have you done anything about it? Some kind of feedback from a specialist or some speech training (similar to the one actors are doing), or maybe also singing, could help you with feeling more comfortable with your voice, and that could be a key for feeling more in tune with yourself. From what you say here, I would dare to conclude that you need a better expression of your true self, so you should experiment with different shades of your personality. In general I would say that Aspergers have missed the role play that little NT children do so intensely and which is so crucial for identity building, and that many Aspergers feel the need to catch up later with it. David Bowie would be a particularly telling example, but there are also other ways of developping ones personality (artistic expression of any kind and in the widest sense). What is good is that you seem to know pretty well which direction you want to go to(Daryl Hannah). So how about an acting group or some dancing which allows you to bring forth the more Daryl Hannah side in you?
My LANGUAGE sucks. I'm bad at language. any languguage. the problem is not the german. the problem is that I talk rubbish. It would be nice if I had accent or would use wrong grammer and such, in that case people would attribute the rubbish to bad german or think they misunderstood me or something. but with me speaking perfect german and talking rubbish, they interpret the rubbish in more problematic ways.
I understand what you mean. I do similar things. I always seem to say the wrong things. I either say something that I should keep to myself, or I say something in such a way that it's misinterpreted.
Most of the time, I realize pretty quickly that I said the wrong thing. If I get enough time to think, I realize why it was wrong. By that time it's too late.
The other problem is misunderstanding what others are trying to say. I miss the hidden or less obvious meaning. I understand direct language the best. Those types of mistakes I usually don't understand even when thinking about them later, unless it's pointed out to me in some way.
I don't know yet what a good solution is because I haven't found one myself yet.
Ok about darryl hannah and stuff. I must say I'm MALE. and my voice is kinda kinda somewhere between barry white and tom waits, slightly higher than barry white and not quite as scratchy as tom waits but I can simulate tom waits with some extra affort. ok maybe i'm exaggerating a bit but It's not helpful and I can't change it. I think the smoking is not helping either.
_________________
Male
Aspie score: 131 of 200
NT score: 34 of 200
Possibly Aspie (diagnosed by an autism expert, doc moves abroad, forced to change docs and all say it's schizophrenia NOS or schizo-affective disorde or personality disorders. initial doc was a colleague of uncle Simon btw. you do the math.). (edit: by Uncle Simon I mean Simon Baron Cohen. Just to clear things up.)
I had gotten before that you are male. And I dont want you to change your voice (or rather as a side effect only), but to feel more comfortable with it. Barry White and Tom Waits sounds pretty good. You seem to associate a deep and very male voice with meanings that a voice itself does not have. I dont know if you have ever recognized, but people who feel insecure, often tune down their voice to a lower pitch than would be regular for them, or get a different sonority (accompanied by some rattling) in order to appear more confident (which works with some, but not all people). All in all it depends a lot on the tone and modulation of your voice (including its scratchiness) which kind of emotional feeling you transport with what you say, and not on the pitch.
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