Why AS are always bullied in groups? …and how to avoid it !

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NTs are sometimes bullied in groups, but AS always are.

Why ?

How to avoid it ? (NT and AS advices welcome)

Why? - My hypothesis based on my personal experience is the following:

NT would more think and feel as part of a group, rather than distant observer.

They would be more attentive to the expressed majority opinions, feelings and behaviours.

They would tend to join a group (or a majority), in order to fit in the group’s organization, putting themselves under a protective majority and ensuring the stability of the group’s organization.
Feeling part of a group, NTs would also henceforth not receive an opposite opinion or behaviour, as simply different from theirs, but as a threat for their all group.

AS would more think and feel as distant observer, rather than as part of a group.

AS would be more attentive to things and what happens, independently from the group’s opinions, feelings and behaviours.

They would tend to think independently of the group’s opinions and behaviours, putting themselves at risk as a minority (consciously or not), and challenging, as a result the stability of the organization.

AS would henceforth receive an opposite opinion or behaviour, as a threat for their all group, but simply as different from theirs.

How to avoid it? - Some tricks that are working good for me, (hope other advices will be shared):

Dress like the group’s average dresses.
Dressing another way is already a sign for a group that you are not conforming to the group. Before doing or saying anything, you are already considered as a non-conforming minority category, and then a threat which could have to be fought.

Use your talents to work and achieve your goals but always play low profile.
Having special abilities/talents creates a threat in a group, because groups are based on a stable hierarchic organization. Being talented in some fields and not in others, is in a way challenging the group and its general organization, in which there is no place for someone who can write IT programmes but can’t tie his/her own shoes… To be accepted in a group, you should stay in “average”. If you keep low profile, they will always appreciate your stable low position. Playing low profile doesn’t prevent you to achieve your high objectives. Playing low profile doesn’t prevent the other people from benefiting from your work and your talents. If they benefit from it, they will not bully you.

Speak very basic, ask questions and provide simple responses to the questions/ others’ needs.
Speaking “too” well or “too” detailed, about “too” specific interests, knowing “too” much, and having read this and that, is NOT considered as a value in groups. Indeed, if you “know everything”, it means you do not “need” the group and groups are based on interdependence. Groups consider it to be a threat for the group if you are independent.
Ask questions about their interests when you know they have the answer. That way, they think that you need them and you depend on them. Propose your help and respond to answers but always with highest modesty, so that you do not challenge their vision of their self-position within the group.

Unless you are personally attacked, do not set the records straight.
All organization of groups are based on lies, which maintain each member’s apparent position in the group. If you contradict any lie, the whole group will bully you because, uncovering one lie triggers that you uncover three others, etc. Truth is a threat for stability of the organization of a group.

Presence.
If you cannot participate or you are not willing to participate to a group event, always provide a “socially acceptable” excuse.
“I prefer painting, playing music or read a book, is not a socially acceptable excuse. A socially acceptable excuse is “I regret that I cannot come, I have an important appointment” / “I engaged to participate in another group’s event” …for example.

Practice self-mockery, laugh of your little defaults.
This is a kind of humour that you can use so that they understand that you do not represent a threat for them. They will like it a lot. However, do not let them make a subject of recurrent mockery about you, it is a matter of good balance. If you show your defaults, they will feel more comfortable with theirs, which they are mostly hiding.

Do not show yourself perfectionist.
AS maybe tend to be perfectionists. (to be confirmed…) If you are a perfectionist, they will ask you to be perfect. Nobody is. Recognise your mistakes when you do some.

What do you do to avoid being bullied?

I think your observations on group dynamics have alot of truth in them, but I don't really see the point in following the advices you give in order to avoid bullying. Except if a person wants to waste their life by focusing just on shadows in some platonic cave, while the real things remain out of sight.

I'd say to my younger, bullied self: Find out who you are - explore your depths. You'll never reach the end of that land. Dress the way you like, do what you like as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. Yes, at first or till the end people will laugh and try to force you back to their illusion, but the price to look into the real is priceless.

And Vis, when you look at others, look at them. Don't look for yourself in them. Look at them. What and who are they?

One guy bullied me alot in school and made me feel bad. But one day I ended up feeling alot of love (not romantic kind though) for this guy, for I saw him. I saw his father beating and mocking him in the yard, while I was visiting a girl in his neighborhood. Poor kid transferred his pain into me. Nothing I had done differently considering my looks or behavior wouldn't have changed his behavior. Or if it indeed had, there would have just been some other kid on my place. He transferred his pain into me, but I transformed it into love after I saw him, for real. It was love he was in need, after all.

If you found your peace in that, that is good then.

Considering the kid in school, he didn't see me seeing him. He didn't stop bullying, for his view point didn't change - mine did. We weren't friends either. But if you'd ask this guy, did he hate me - he surely would answer no. I surely didn't hate him and his mean words have no weight.

And about your punching ball metaphor. A person can try to mentally hit you, but in reality that person may not make a one single hit. I can smile and be nice to the same people, who talk s**t of me behind my back. That s**t is in them, not in me.

To throw "s**t" around, you have to have s**t in you. But no matter how much a person tries to throw scum around, it doesn't necessarily stick. It's his/her s**t, after all. That doesn't still mean that we wouldn't be responsible for our actions. In that sense I agree.

OP- I think you're spot on with this. If anyone else is in a group (even a group of two) having this problem, I would be very interested to know if these suggestions help.

I used to have a cat situation that sounded a lot like this bully deal. One of my cats was playful and another was shy. The playful one could tell that the shy one was afraid he would jump on her and it quickly turned into a bully and victim situation. The shy cat had to have her own area where the playful cat wasn't allowed (so she appeared strong and in control) and eventually he stopped attacking her.

Kind of like the measures you guys are talking about.

Your reasons are for why I just keep my circles small. But it is nice to know when hanging out with other allistics so I can easily play their game and possibly beat them at it.

I think it is just how we are, We aren't very emotional, at least Expression wise. Also, we can sound Angry without realising it.

To sum up, groups SUCK---as in Suck Utterly, Completely and Kickingly.