My Own World

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So often I read discussion of people needing to be careful of us retreating into a world of their own. I realize first that there are so many people on different places on the spectrum that I don't even know if my specific "disorder" would have this same common "symptom." Then again could it be less a sign of ASD and more a sign of, well, being on a different planet, so to speak? Some people are locked in their heads, others are isolated because they aren't social (for many reasons). If that is the case with anyone I think they would retreat into their own heads.

I find myself looking forward to my dreams. I've always had epic novels in my dreams. Some are like movies. Yes, I realize these are a sign of depression. When I was young I used to take these dreams as a sign of my destiny as a writer. It was maybe, 4 or 5 years ago I realized I don't have the skill or patience to write down an accurate reflection of the intricate people living out their interesting lives in my head. I wish I could. Sometimes I fantasize about future technology reading our dreams so all I would have to do is translate the emotions to the picture and story the whole world can see. I could be a "writer" if that were the case.

Last night was one of those nights where I had a dream I refused to wake up from. It felt amazing. I had super-powers much like all those silly Netflix shows that have been coming out. Later things became dark and I realized I had a dark side. Ultimately, I ended up running to my captors; a group of scientists wanting to "understand" those like me; in an effort to protect the lives of countless people around me. It was a tragic story, like most super hero's have. The hero is sad but I felt so good in the dream. I tried to stay asleep for so long I got a sleep hangover.

I tried to place exactly why it is that a sad story would make me feel so good? The way I was a hero was through self-sacrifice. Then I understood why that was so appealing. A sad ending and a sacrifice was meaningful. I had a heroic purpose. I could have become the villain but I did the right thing and with that I stayed the hero. I did good and had an impact on the lives around me.

So often those of us on the spectrum feel meaningless or worse, like a burden, simply by existing. Those who love us have it worse by us being who we are. Often we feel we are the source of problems and rightly so. Many are abused, powerless and neglected. For decades many were sent away by their families. Of course I wanted to stay in a place where my sacrifice had meaning. Where I had so much obvious purpose; where I could make a change and a difference no matter what choice I made. In the past I do everything to hold onto those daydreams and night dreams. They used to feel more real than my real life. Once I realized I wasn't going to be a novelist these, sadly, became harder to hold onto.

So why is it that people suggest we keep ourselves away from this fantasy land? It feels better than reality. Because we need to face reality is no kind of response. I think most of us face reality quite often and while some choose alcohol, food, drugs others choose dreaming as a means of escape. We must do it because we have to face reality. Procrastination only makes things worse for you. The other idea I had was to stay in reality because you'll never see success or tangible improvements if you stay in a "fake" world forever. That said, if people are made to live in the real world then don't we also have to represent some of the cruel ideas people present as truth? As recently as two days ago I was reading comments from "well-intentioned" people discussing disability. They were saying such things as how not everyone will be successful and no one should accommodate because employers in the real world won't hire them if they expect the world on a platter. I could name more but I think you get my point; that many see there is no point to many people on the spectrum. Imagine being a child of a parent who has a few of these views of "reality." Is this really the world we want to live in? So, tell me again, why is reality better than retreating into yourself? Why is spending more time here better than spending more time there assuming you think you'll never improve?

I guess the ultimate question is how to we make it more appealing to fight for reality here than to escape it and live in a world catered specifically for us?

I wish I could create a world catered totally for me.

What's wrong with skirting both reality and fantasy--with each influencing the other?

It's best, when fantasizing, to have one foot in each world.

There's much more fantasy in this world of the Internet than previously.

What is the nature of your fantasy world?

I don't know if this applies or not. But I always thought about the old saying by Zhuangzi:
"I did not know if I was a butterfly that dreamed it was a man or a man who dreamed he was a butterfly."
I've had dreams and zone states where the thought was so real that I had to question if it was real or not. So, thinking upon the old story I decided that the only thing that gives me the difference is the consistency of 'daily life'. I'm a person everyday. I'm a butterfly once in a blue moon.

I choose the consistency.

I live in my own world in the sense that I pretty much do what I want when I want, rather than following a pointless social code. For instance, if I want to eat ice cream for breakfast, I will. If I want to spend 3 days in my room and not come out, I will. If I want to go for a 2 mile walk without reason, I will. Basically I do many things that others do not understand in their world.

If you've got the resources to do this, go for it!

I, myself, would prefer to have eggs and bacon for breakfast, and to wake up at dawn and go to sleep about 9 PM.

I wish that I could have my own world as well. A world which has all of my interests, fantasies and dreams come to life and that I can enjoy everything in it. A good break from the world that I am in today

I feel like I live in my own world as very few people know me and I do not consider myself to be close to even those who are aware of my existence. I often suspect that if I were to die tomorrow that no one would honestly care. I have attempted to reconnect with the outside world by partaking in social clubs and personal development courses, but these occasions merely remind me that I am a tremendously isolated individual. I struggle to interpret facial expressions; I speak too formally at times; I seldom know when it's time for me to add an input into an ongoing discussion; my interests are too obscure to match anyone else's (I am a word collector - don't ask); I hate 'small talk' and it is difficult for me to truly be interested in other people.

The magnitude of my isolation has been so great that I have even questioned my own existence in the past.

JakeASD, that must be very hard. I felt like that as a teenager but I haven't for a long time now (I'm 42). I had a daughter and so that forces one to learn a huge amount about life to just get by in the world and although I have been forced to do things that feel desperately uncomfortable on a regular basis, with therapy (a brilliant CBT person and hypnotherapist) I have learnt to manage the anxiety. Have you ever considered therapy?

By the way, I share a similar way of being to you - I love learning new words and their etymology, I find small talk extremely inefficient too and I have had to learn to be interested in other people. Weirdly that seems to work a bit. It's never like when someone talks about something I love but I am beginning to feel more at ease discussing their thing... But I feel there MUST be others who share your passions.

My feeling is that as long as you're taking care of your basic responsibilities, what you choose to do in your free time is your business. If retreating into your own world is enjoyable for you (as it is for me), then that's a perfectly legitimate hobby.

I do struggle with it being too addictive, though. I've been lost in my little dream land here for a couple weeks now, and haven't been sleeping (because waking dreams are soooo much better!) And now I feel exhausted and sick, from lack of sleep. (Plus, it gets embarrassing when people ask what you've been up to lately, and all you can say is, uh... nothing?)

It's definitely a difficult balance though. And I can relate to what you said about being a dreamer, but not a writer. I'm not in love with words, or language, but with pictures and scenarios and feelings. And I can't be bothered to translate all that