Eye contact

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Hi everyone. I was diagnosed with high functioning autism and social anxiety in the fall of last year. My question is about eye contact. I seem to be able to make good eye contact with people I know on occasion. For example today, I was able to make excellent eye contact with my gf. But the thing is, sometimes I struggle to look my gf in the eye and sometimes I don't, it just depends on the day and how I feel. When my therapist diagnosed me with mild autism and social anxiety she said that she thinks most of my troubles(in general not just eye contact) are from social anxiety not autism. I sometimes wonder if perhaps she misdiagnosed me and I just have social anxiety and not autism. What do you guys think?

The eye contact issue is just one part of a complex machine. Being socially disabled is another single part. So basically do you have enough parts to complete being autistic? If not then maybe you were misdiagnosed.

There really needs to be tighter controls on who is qualified to make a diagnosis of autism. I'm waiting for someone to say their dentist diagnosed them with autism, because they don't like a bight light in their face.

I don't feel qualified to make such a determination. The therapist who diagnosed me seemed fairly qualified. She gave me six different tests and talked to my dad. My parents also filled out a questionnaire of some sort. She gave me six different tests some testing for social anxiety and some testing for autism... Apparently my dad said people who suspect their child of autism take their kids to her to have her test them and they either have social anxiety, autism or both. Also, she did have a phd for what that's worth... I don't think she would've given me a diagnoses unless she was absolutely sure I met the criteria do you?

I'm 23 by the way so I'm an adult.

Autism can cause social anxiety. I acquired social anxiety after consistently making social mistakes, and getting teased, bullied, or otherwise bad reactions from people.

But there's a lot more to it than that.

People with autism have impairments in social instinct and interactions. They don't learn the necessary social skills in an instinctive way, and have difficulty with non-verbal communication.

But they also have trouble with executive functioning, and often have a need for routine and have repetitive behaviors or obsessive interests.

And then the sensory processing problems often go along with autism.

So do you have difficulty in knowing what you need to do in social situations and have trouble communicating with others, or are you just anxious in social situations?

Thanks for the reply Yigeren. Can you give me an example of not knowing what to do in social situations? Also if you could give me an example of a sensory issue? Thanks.

Ok. For me, here are my issues with socializing:

1. I don't know what the appropriate or expected actions to take are in various social situations.

2. I don't usually know what I am supposed to say or what I shouldn't say.

3. I reveal too much personal information or am too blunt.

4. If someone is making a joke, but says it in a serious manner, I often cannot tell if they are joking. Likewise, I have trouble understanding if someone is using sarcasm if it's more subtle.

5. I have extreme difficulties with making eye contact, and don't usually make much eye contact with those I know well.

6. I don't tend to use small-talk. I had to teach myself to use it and am not that great at it.

7. I never used to ask people questions about themselves, as is necessary in typical conversations.

8. I talk excessively about my interests.

There are other ones but those are the biggest problems.

Sensory issues:

1. Extreme tactile sensitivities. I usually hate to be touched. Most clothing is extremely uncomfortable to me. I often can't get comfortable enough to sleep.

2. Very sensitive to smells. Many odors which others don't even notice are very strong to me and cause me discomfort. I don't get used to bad smells. Strong smells make me feel ill and give me headaches.

3. Too sensitive to loud noises. Easily distracted by noises, even quiet ones. Can't stand to hear people eating.

Those are the main ones.

Sorry Dared, looks like I misinterpreted part of what you said. Anyways autism and social anxiety are not mutually exclusive. Most of us suffer social anxiety because of autism. Eye contact is supposed to be something that comes naturally. For those of us with autism it is something that is too intense and we get overwhelmed. Some can work psst that to a degree and develop a tolerance. But the point is its something you have to work at to achieve.

And I agree 100% with what Yigeren just posted. Same for me.

Last edited by EzraS on 04 Feb 2016, 5:56 am, edited 2 times in total.

One of my main goals in therapy right now is to develop a tolerance to eye contact. It actually scares me to think of having to do it. We haven't started it yet, but I can tell it's going to be difficult.

I struggle with 3, 5, 7 and 8 on occasion. I particularly tend to talk about my interests excessively and have been told so by other people... it's interesting because when I struggle with eye contact i just feel like a deer in head lights like i can't focus my eyes on the other persons face. I get a sensation where my mind just goes blank for a minute and everything feels like it's rushing in at me. Definitely very overwhelming but I don't know if social anxiety could cause these feelings as well? As for sensory issues, I wear the same clothes everyday. If it's cold out I wear sweat pants and if it's warm I wear basketball shorts. The reason is that I do not like the way tight clothing feels on my skin. Other then that, the only other thing I can think of is my eyes sometimes are sensitive to light. I have hearing loss in both ears so I am unsure if I have any sensory issues with that. Is it possible to teach yourself how to act like an NT to an extent? I've been exposed to lots of people throughout my life due to the fact that my brother and I are only two years apart. He always would bring his friends over to our house when I was younger and we would play video games, smoke cigarettes etc. I now have a girlfriend of almost three years. Needless to say, I've probably had significantly more social experiences than the average aspie. Also, for what it's worth, my therapist sited limited facial expressions, lack of hand gestures, limited eye contact and narrowed interests among other things as some of the reasons for my apergers diagnoses. Sorry for the book.

It's hard for me to make eye contact. Because it makes me uncomfortable. I have managed to master the quick glance, where I look up, give eye contact, than look away because then they somehow know I am paying attention. It's very hard to sit down and focus.

Just don't expect my recall to be so good. When I try to recall the events people's faces are super blurry. Like the moment in a television show when they are protecting someone's identity. That doesn't necessarily help me when in a relationship, because then they are upset about something and I cannot recall what that night looked like.

I am a mess.

Eye contact doesn't come naturally to us, but some autistics can train themselves to do it quite well. I manage about 50% of the time, and actually find it easier to do with strangers, than people I know, who are trying to 'bond' with me.

I was married for 13 years, and only looked my husband in the eye one time, ever - and it freaked me out, and I never did it again!

Did you choose to set that as a goal, or did your therapist tell you it should be?

Because I think in many cases it should not be a goal for an autistic person to make eye contact. Often it's just making things harder on the autistic person to make them seem more 'normal' to NT people, and that's not really fair on the autistic person. It's like saying a Deaf person shouldn't sign because it makes them look different, or that a blind person should keep their hands to themselves instead of touching everything. Just because your disability is less obvious doesn't mean you have any less right to do things differently if it works better for you.

I think the (supposed) importance of eye contact is overrated as well. I simply don't understand why it even matters. If society could just drop that expectation, and accept that some people don't make eye contact, and it's no big deal - that would solve the whole issue, in my mind.

But until that happens, there are really only a few situations where eye contact actually affects our ability to survive in this world. Getting a job is necessary for survival, and without eye contact, we're unlikely to pass the interview process. Also, if we're in a situation where we need someone to believe us (police, doctors, etc.) - our lack of eye contact might be misconstrued as lying, and get us into trouble.

The thing is, even my best attempts at learning eye contact have not resulted in passing a job interview, or being believed by doctors when I claim to have symptoms that aren't visibly confirmable. So I really think eye contact is a case where the world needs to accept our differences, rather than expecting us to do something that is extremely difficult (if not impossible) for us, and ultimately has zero relevance in terms of whether we can actually do the job we're interviewing for, or whether the words coming out of our mouths are factually correct.

Dared, from what you said, it sounds like you got a pretty good diagnosis, so if I were you, I would stop questioning if I had it, and just work on specific areas that seem to give you trouble.

We sort of both decided it. I think mine is partially caused by auditory processing issues. I think I can do a better job of faking it at least.

I need to be able to make a little bit better eye contact for job interviews, mostly. Otherwise, I don't care that much. I'm pretty stubborn, and assertive, so I don't let the lack of eye contact give people the idea that I'm stupid, or lying.

I'll just inform my doctors or anyone else who is important that I have ASD. But I'm not telling my employer unless I already have a job and have proven myself.