Finally figured out why "Calm down" bugs me

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Telling me to 'calm down' may seem normal to you. A simple notification I may be agitated. But it agitates me more.

"Calm down" marginalizes what has happened in me

"It's going to be ok" reassures me and I can talk about a solution

"Calm Down" tells me that you do not take my concern serious, even when it really can be serious

"What's wrong?" Engages me in a constructive manner that allows me to tell you why something bothers me and it derails any escalation.

I dunno.....maybe I'm just a bit too sensitive?

I agree with you. I respond the same way to each of those statements.

Here's the thing. I now know why it bugs me, always bugged me and probably always will. But is the reaction rational?

When people tell me to calm down I usually do the exact opposite. They think I'll just automatically become rational and reasonable If they say that. Nope, that's something that will take time and can't be rushed.

I hate it even more when people tell me don't cry. I must have more body water than the average human being because I cry easily. It's like they're telling me my sadness is a worthless emotion and it will make other people annoyed and angry instead of seeing that I need to be comforted like in that Inside Out movie.

I hate to say it, I would be telling you not to cry or something to get you to stop. Not because I want you to stop crying because you should. I want you to stop crying because people crying just really hit all the bad buttons and I get an overwhelming emotional response of something, and it really does overwhelm me. It's not anger or annoyance. I just can't describe it.

It wouldn't be anymore right coming from me. But, that is why I would not want another person to cry.

"Calm down" and similar comments are a type of invalidation. It's an attempt to get you to change your feelings, change the way you express your feelings, or distance yourself from your feelings.

http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

Well, if my actions are inappropriate, and I am not aware of it, then I would like to learn how to do it better.

But, calm down does feel like an invalidation whereas the other things feel like engagement. That does make a difference to me.

I know calm down doesn't work for me either. Especially when I am irritated or have a meltdown. You just have to let me ride the course. You have to let me go through the motions first before I can be rational. Because I can be right after the event. Usually my irritation and my meltdowns stem from long periods of bottling stuff up, so I need to release it. To tell me to calm down, or anything else is really dismissive at that moment. For me in those moments is the Emotional World is Completely Ending and I cannot take any more.

To calm a stressed person down is an art form, it can't be done simply by issuing a command. Best way to calm me down is to respectfully find out what's troubling me and then highlight a few solid reasons why I have no need to be scared, or offer some kind of help that will get me out of danger. I respond well to flawless logic like that.

I well know the distress I feel when somebody cries, and it's often tempting to tell them to stop it, but it wouldn't work. I've got better at coping with it. It gets less disturbing when you've seen it a lot, and then it's possible to see past my undue alarm and guilt, and try to guide the person back to a happier state, or at least stay with them until they feel better, without making things worse.

I would still say something stupid because it would be out of my mouth before I could filter it out.

I do get what you're saying. It's what I was saying about calm down. But, I'm just stupid that many times. Especially when flustered and crying really bamboozles my caboozles........so, stupid me says stupid things.....

I agree it's not easy.

What's worse is when it does occur to me to not be a wiener head, I still screw it up because then I don't know what to say and make it worse by trying.

It bothers me when anyone speaks to me when I'm upset. I like to be left alone and then talk about it later if I can't solve the problem myself.

To add that I do sometimes seek reassurance but in that case I need the person to say something logical and not along the lines of implying that I'm being ridiculous.

Calm down translates to stop that or knock it off. Me no likey.

I am blunt so I would just say "Calm down" and then you'd be mad at me, lol. To me calm down means that someone needs to not react so strongly to something. When I say it, it does not mean that the concern is not serious, but that a very strong reaction is probably counterproductive.

Being calm allows one the chance to think things over more clearly. A very strong reaction of anger or anxiety doesn't let the brain do what it needs to do to solve the problem constructively. Being extremely happy or optimistic can also be detrimental. I'm guilty of doing this often. If I'm too excited or optimistic, I overlook important things and make stupid decisions.

But I think everyone has his or her preference when it comes to things like that. If it were me, I'd just tell people ahead of time that I do not like to be told to calm down and that it makes me upset. Then at least they will know that it bothers you.

I often say things that piss other people off though. I would probably at some point forget and tell you to calm down because my mouth is two steps ahead of my brain.

Here's the thing(s)
1) If someone says calm down, while it may seem mild, it's not what they expect when they are panicking. I mean, I have actually been reprimanded for being too calm. (I am the one panicking when things aren't bad, but completely calm when things go really bad) so, ya'know, it does cut both ways.

2) I understand the virtues of being calm. Being calm in certain situations may not be possible.

3. Yeah, if I had mentioned the 'calm down' thing and someone still said it, yeah, I'd be a bit pissed because I have to remember so many 'rules' just to navigate any given day. They can remember one or two things on how to deal with me.
And at some point it's not about making decisions or anything. When it hits me, it's not about decisions, it's about that thing that has triggered some sort of panic. Until that panic is subsided, 'calm down' doesn't make it go away. And, if it is an irrational thing that has triggered some sort of episode, trying to tell me to be rational isn't going to help.

Yelling "Hamburger" won't stop my hunger.