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BaneBear
Raven
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11 Feb 2016, 5:50 pm

At my job a girl I had mild feelings for(I've already accepted it won't happen she is just my friend at this point) I sent her a text saying good luck because I know she is going to be getting divorced tomorrow. Since it's a stressful subject I just wanted to say something nice, however in the past she has gotten mad at me for texting her. I feel somewhat afraid to say anything to her and as a result I feel nervous and anxious because I did that, why?



LillaA
Blue Jay
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Joined: 13 Dec 2014
Age: 34
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11 Feb 2016, 6:27 pm

If she's gotten mad at you before for texting her, then probably you're nervous because you've done something that is similar to something that has previously had a negative result, and you're worried about having another negative result. It's an instinctual response - negative reinforcement makes the mind worried next time the behavior is embarked on. It's the way that you train on a more subconscious level (whether training a dog or a child or an adult). So, I'm not saying she's trying to train you, just that you can do the same thing intentionally to train, cause negative reinforcement subconsciously makes the brain hesitant to engage in the same behavior again.

Hopefully, though, a single short occasional text won't make her mad. :)


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kraftiekortie
Veteran
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11 Feb 2016, 7:25 pm

I hope she doesn't take it the wrong way--and she might not take it the wrong way--but there are people who don't want to be wished "good luck" after a divorce, even if the relationship which led to the divorce was extremely acrimonious.

It's weird--but it's true. I've made that mistake.

The best thing to do is to not say anything about the divorce.



Idealist
Velociraptor
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11 Feb 2016, 7:54 pm

I remember the first (and hopefully last) time I got divorced, it was to my third wife, even though it was a straightforward (at least going by what I've seen on films/TV series) it was still very traumatic even and I really didn't want to talk to anyone. I turned my cell phone off and talked to no one.


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nicbrown
Emu Egg
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Joined: 12 Feb 2016
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12 Feb 2016, 8:30 am

People tend to turn on the defensive mechanism in the times of stress and frustration. Be prepared to face the fact that it's not you who may get on her nerves, it's everyone else as well.


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