I prefer the company of non-autistic people
This has come up a few times; I tend to get along poorly with other autistic people. I can kind of do it here because the whole interaction ends with a mouse click, but in a face-to-face interaction I tend to find the whole thing emotionally disturbing. Shorter contact just leaves me sullen and unnerved. Too much of it for too long has actually triggered depressive events for me; I tried this program for AS students at one college. It helped a lot of students, but caused me to drop all my classes and spend the next few months holed up at home. The head of the program (herself autistic) later told me a handful of other students had similar experiences. So this might not just be a "me" thing.
Now and then, I'll meet someone else with autism who I can actually get along with. It's really nice when that happens (like... seriously, pretty amazing), but it seems extremely rare. Like... one person out of a hundred, rare... at best. I notice I pretty much never explicitly talk about autism with these people. It's always subtle and oblique, just hinting at certain things we have in common. That's totally fine with me. I kind of like that.
"NT" people, on the other hand... they usually can work with me on things. Adapt quickly, reach out, and help bridge gaps when I come up short. There's some jerks, but I find most of them pleasant enough to be around. I tell them I have an issue with something, most will listen. Maybe it's because I live in the Seattle area, where people tend to be a little more low-key... but it wasn't that much different for me when I lived in Albuquerque, which isn't like that at all. Sure, these interactions can be draining... but they don't have the same devastating "emotional punch to the face" impact. Six hours surrounded by NTs? I feel pretty tired but emotionally stable, or even refreshed if I've had a good time. An hour with another aspie? I'm not as tired, but my mood has probably taken a nosedive.
I don't get it. You'd think the opposite would be true, right? I'm curious if anyone else just finds NTs easier to be around. Not necessarily to this degree, but to the extent that given the choice you'd prefer not to be around other aspies. Alternatively, maybe someone has ideas as to why I have this reaction. Or maybe you think I'm just weird, in which case you should totally explain why you think that!
Or, maybe you feel the opposite way. You probably do. Explain! I'm trying to figure this thing out! It would be nice if I could have face-to-face interactions with other aspies without freaking out.
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Yes, I have autism. No, it isn't "part of me". Yes, I hate my autism. No, I don't hate myself.
It's human nature, a person is more likely to want to belong in a group of plenty than a group of little.
I personally like, what i call "autistic at heart" friends. They were never diagnosed and probably dont have autism but theyre not socially talented, they have strong interests. The gamer, nerd type but i also like my autistic friends, its just sometimes they over do it, talk too much of their Special interest or stand too close to me but i can take that- i probably do that myself i cant blame them. I like my autstic friends because were all on the same level, we all had bullies, we all dont understand body language and we all cant tie our shoes.
I have a few NT friends and these are STRICT NT friends, not nerdy, not socially awkard, straight up extroverted NTs and they are HARD to hang out with because i have to pass when im around them, i cant just me, i cant talk about sonic, i cant talk about all the research i just did, i cant talk about movie reviews, I dont even know what to f*****g talk about! which is hard because one of my best friends is severely NT, She dresses up, goes out drinking, has sex, has boyfriends, spends all her time on her phone and has lots of drama in her life that i just dont get...
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Obsessing over Sonic the Hedgehog since 2009
Diagnosed with Aspergers' syndrome in 2012.
Diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 1 severity without intellectual disability and without language impairment in 2015.
DA: http://mephilesdark123.deviantart.com
Company of NTs.. How am'I able to compare when I never met an autistic adult, more so a high functioning one in real life?
I cannot and I don't keep up with NTs. Introvert NTs seems fine with me. Extroverted ones are those I cannot keep up with. I choose not to dumb down or expect anyone trying to level at me whether they could or not... I prefer having their social masks broken. Unless it's only business.
All I can say is that I prefer the company of those who talks about their life, and experiences. Not those who talks about the media, or their interests even if it's mutual interest. I can listen to almost anything, yet I cannot contribute a thing.
When it comes to activity, it's either just myself or anyone else leads but me.
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@ZombieBrideXD: Yeah, that kind of makes sense. For me it's more "quality" than "quantity" and I often don't feel I get much of the former when I interact with most other aspies. There's not a connection, just me getting beaten over the head with whatever they want to talk about. I usually don't have much to say, myself. It's a lot of me nodding my head while I'm just coming apart inside.
I don't have a special interest right now; I'm grateful for that, personally. But aspie conversations often seem to revolve around the things. What you're describing as "autistic at heart" sounds great. I've known some people like that, and I get along with that type of person just fine. It's less intense, I guess? When someone's actually autistic though; I usually avoid them. My experiences with other aspies have not been good in the past.
I really like introverted NTs.
Now, I can actually really like extroverted NTs, too. Someone asked my about my ideal romantic partner once and I described someone like that. I do often need someone to drag me out of my own head and into the world. I like this from friends, too. I don't really care for most parties, but if a friend asked me to just go on a pub crawl I'd probably resist... and then be there the next morning with a raging hangover going "Worth it!" I just need a bit of a push now and then, and I find the more extroverted NTs are great for that. I understand that a lot of aspies just aren't down for it, but for me I'm just kind of particular about how it happens.
Sort of feels like those people are the Yang to my Yin.
I don't know where another aspie would fit in. They tend to upset me. It's like trying to interact with a wall that's falling on me.
@Edna3362: I dunno. You should try it sometime, it seems to be a much more positive thing for a lot of folks here than it has been for me.
Absolutely relate to the "anyone leads but me". I do a little better when I'm following someone's lead. I often do in interactions with NTs. Just... "ok, we're doing this now? Cool." What do we talk about? Hm... whatever comes up. I think learning to just go with the flow is something I've been working on a long time. It's not a natural skill for us, I think. When I can do it, it's pretty amazing. It doesn't seem to work with other aspies. The conversation either remains regimented or moves along in a rapid, disjointed way that just makes me feel like I don't matter at all. Sometimes that happens with NTs, but it's much easier to hop back in and get on track again when they do it. They're rarely as invested in what they're saying.
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Yes, I have autism. No, it isn't "part of me". Yes, I hate my autism. No, I don't hate myself.
I don't have a special interest right now; I'm grateful for that, personally. But aspie conversations often seem to revolve around the things. What you're describing as "autistic at heart" sounds great. I've known some people like that, and I get along with that type of person just fine. It's less intense, I guess? When someone's actually autistic though; I usually avoid them. My experiences with other aspies have not been good in the past.
I really like introverted NTs.
Now, I can actually really like extroverted NTs, too. Someone asked my about my ideal romantic partner once and I described someone like that. I do often need someone to drag me out of my own head and into the world. I like this from friends, too. I don't really care for most parties, but if a friend asked me to just go on a pub crawl I'd probably resist... and then be there the next morning with a raging hangover going "Worth it!" I just need a bit of a push now and then, and I find the more extroverted NTs are great for that. I understand that a lot of aspies just aren't down for it, but for me I'm just kind of particular about how it happens.
Sort of feels like those people are the Yang to my Yin.
I don't know where another aspie would fit in. They tend to upset me. It's like trying to interact with a wall that's falling on me.
@Edna3362: I dunno. You should try it sometime, it seems to be a much more positive thing for a lot of folks here than it has been for me.
Absolutely relate to the "anyone leads but me". I do a little better when I'm following someone's lead. I often do in interactions with NTs. Just... "ok, we're doing this now? Cool." What do we talk about? Hm... whatever comes up. I think learning to just go with the flow is something I've been working on a long time. It's not a natural skill for us, I think. When I can do it, it's pretty amazing. It doesn't seem to work with other aspies. The conversation either remains regimented or moves along in a rapid, disjointed way that just makes me feel like I don't matter at all. Sometimes that happens with NTs, but it's much easier to hop back in and get on track again when they do it. They're rarely as invested in what they're saying.
Hmm, that's interesting. That doesn't mark the way my interactions with AS ppl are. I find that I get along best with AS ppl that are similar to me. That is to say we have the same or similar sorts of special interests (or develop mutual ones) and they have some level of politeness/awareness. Eg: say things such as: "oh, how do you feel about X? Is it okay if Y happens? How about XYZ? Would you like ABC?
I can't tell how you feel about that-could you explain that a bit more?"
It is no where near what I get in NT conversations. In fact the wall-falling-on-you metaphor is in my opinion a perfect description for my interactions with NTs, they are never interested in what I have to say: can seemingly only talk in short blurbs, self-absordbed only talk about what is important to them/their social standing and say social agenda/veiled/politically type things.
I also find them to be very blinded to any form of neurodiversity. Also, they make up the vast vast vast majority of the population so... I just run into them more and have more bad encounters with them that way!
However, I meet aspies sometimes that annoy the s**t out of me- I can't stand them- find them to be rude and just as self-absorbed (for different reasons). Also, if they are loud- holy jesus I can't stand that- but that's just because I hate sound/noise that's my own hang-up.
Also, I enjoy listening to other people's special interests... so I kind of like the monologue-ing then i don't have to say anything. and they usually don't care if I chill and do whatever as long as I listen- very low pressure! Also, if I make social mistakes it really matters a lot less. The time I don't like listening is when I am getting sensory overload of course.
Although there was a time I'm recalling where I had to listen to a girl talk about Benedict Cumberbatch for literally 3 hrs- and all the movies he's been in and then spy movies and... she was very knowledgeable.
I sort of know when to shut up though... I don't think it's that hard, just give yourself a time limit. Like I will talk for max 15mins straight only if I can't help it and that's depending on how tolerant i know the other person to be. I don't get why others can't do that though....
If I'm with a friend though I will go on for like an hour maybe- but that's with permission of sorts so that I know that I'm not overloading them or anything.
I am digressing though!
I'm an equal opportunity misanthropist.
There's something to be said for consistency, I suppose! I was actually kind of that way in high school.
For me being around autistic people isn't all that great and being around NT people isn't all that bad.
Good to know you can relate! That makes me feel a little better.
@Unfortunate_Aspie_:
First off... why are you unfortunate?
Anyway, part of my problem may be that I generally don't meet any AS people similar to me. I think the one in a hundred figure isn't so much of an exaggeration. Maybe doubled; I'd guess that for every other aspie I get along with, there are about 49 I can't stand. I think it's a personality thing, because even with shared interests those just serve as a distraction from how unpleasant I find the person to be around. And... yeah, loudness seems like a common thing: I'm right here, dude! No need to yell!
Oddly, the handful I do get along with just don't go on and on about special interests. I have one friend right now with AS. We freely tell each other to shut up, all in good humor. There's light-hearted jabs here and there. Sometimes I worry I take them a little far, but we still seem to get along ok. Around most other aspies, I feel a lot more straight-jacketed in my interactions.
NT conversations are actually easier for me in a lot of ways. If I lose track of the conversation, that's fine; things move along quickly enough and enough of it is inconsequential that's it's not too hard to find a place to drop back in. There's not a lot of pressure to go deeply into things, but the option to do so exists. I don't find them self-absorbed or self-centered at all; I did think more that way at some point, until I understood the purpose behind a lot of these interactions.
Not being interested in what an aspie has to say... that's probably a special interest thing. As I mentioned... I don't have one, so it doesn't come up. With Aspies it's a one-sided conversation in which I do not get to participate. With NTs? We just talk about whatever seems interesting at the moment. When I did have special interests... things were harder. I'd usually avoid talking about it extensively. I'd keep it to myself, because... yeah, they can't handle someone going on and on like that. Neither can I, to be honest; I make a point not to do to others what I wouldn't want done to myself.
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Yes, I have autism. No, it isn't "part of me". Yes, I hate my autism. No, I don't hate myself.
I find other autistic people hard work; they tend to be self-absorbed and very stubborn....and quite childlike.
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Walking every week in the Peak District, the world's most popular National Park. http://peakwalking.blogspot.com
Yes, I notice that a lot too!
I'm starting to find the people on this forum to be boring and irritating, and I don't fit in at all. Which is exactly what I think about most NT's as well. I certainly don't see an advantage to talking to other autistics at the moment.
I've referenced it before, but not in its own thread. The fact the topic had come up numerous times led me to decide I'd just start discussing it specifically.
I can relate to what you're saying, there. A lot of people here drive me up the walls or just don't say anything or interest to me, but I do get a lot out of the few who I can connect with. For me, it's nice to have someone who can relate to specifically autistic viewpoints and problems. Even though I'd rather be around NTs 99% of the time, they can't do that and sometimes I really need it.
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Yes, I have autism. No, it isn't "part of me". Yes, I hate my autism. No, I don't hate myself.
I'm starting to find the people on this forum to be boring and irritating, and I don't fit in at all. Which is exactly what I think about most NT's as well. I certainly don't see an advantage to talking to other autistics at the moment.
I've referenced it before, but not in its own thread. The fact the topic had come up numerous times led me to decide I'd just start discussing it specifically.
I can relate to what you're saying, there. A lot of people here drive me up the walls or just don't say anything or interest to me, but I do get a lot out of the few who I can connect with. For me, it's nice to have someone who can relate to specifically autistic viewpoints and problems. Even though I'd rather be around NTs 99% of the time, they can't do that and sometimes I really need it.
I don't see myself connecting with any of these people. I think I just have a problem with all people - from what I've seen so far there's no significant difference between NT's and autistics. I don't understand either group. Perhaps I'm not completely sane.
ASPartOfMe
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When I could attend support groups I got along with them.But still I assume most autistic people I have met I did not know they were autistic and neither did they.
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Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity
“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman
My Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinic hosts a book club every month. I attend sometimes. I get mostly ignored and, though they are fun, interesting and nice, I have a hard time relating to the other members except the NT moderators.
NTs don't like and accept ALL other NTs, so why should we like and accept all other autistics? I believe it comes down to everyone's different personalities. The advocacy groups that want seemingly to homogenize us into one group of identical individuals have it wrong. We can sometimes understand each other and still not like each other.
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Diagnosed in 2015 with ASD Level 1 by the University of Utah Health Care Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinic using the ADOS-2 Module 4 assessment instrument [11/30] -- Screened in 2014 with ASD by using the University of Cambridge Autism Research Centre AQ (Adult) [43/50]; EQ-60 for adults [11/80]; FQ [43/135]; SQ (Adult) [130/150] self-reported screening inventories -- Assessed since 1978 with an estimated IQ [≈145] by several clinicians -- Contact on WrongPlanet.net by private message (PM)
I don't think there's nearly as much of a difference as some would like to think, though it can feel that way. I do think that if you want to connect with people, online is not the place to do it. It's kind of a deficient, bastardized form of communication.
Probably. I have a pretty good sense for it, but it's likely I've gotten along fine with some other aspies and not known it. The ones I've known about or been pretty certain about? I usually get the situation I've described here.
Right! I find most autistic people I've met in person absolutely insufferable. Can they relate to me on some issues? Absolutely. That doesn't make me like them. It's a shame, because I would really like to meet more fellow aspies I can actually stand being around for more than five minutes but past experiences mean that as soon as I even think someone might be autistic red flags start going up. I mean...
I know this is true, and I sincerely want to meet the people on the autistic end who I'd get along with.
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Yes, I have autism. No, it isn't "part of me". Yes, I hate my autism. No, I don't hate myself.
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