Not acknowledging feeling of others and too honest.

Post Reply New Topic

Has anyone been told not to be so honest. Or almost punched in the face for telling someone their feelings don't matter? I'm currently in search of a professional diagnosis. But am wondering if anyone here has had similar experiences to these? I once told someone that there feeling didn't matter and I swear if I wasn't her daughter in-law she probably would have punch me (according to my husband). My mother wasn't too impressed either. I've told countless people that they were stupid or that I didn't like them. I've lost a few friends over that one. Thankfully my husband is intelligent and I can't call him 'stupid'.

The few friends I have (one is an Aspie) say I'm too honest. My Aspie friend loves my honesty. But I guess when someone ask you if they look fat, they don't expect you to say yes. Luckily they saw the funny side of it

Yes I have this habit to give people advice and facts , or overly political right answers.

sometimes it's pretty turn off for others as you seems too serious or trying to act smarter

So the rule is just be present and listen and empathize, don't give advice till the other person ask for it. Just provide superficial answers in a positive and never negative. Don't be optionated or provide too much personal info.

That's what all NT socially do.

I know it's boring but to build up healthy relationship , that's the correct way.

Yep this has happened to me. All these years later what still stands out is when 9/11 happened I was not shocked. I did not predict the exact nature of the attack but expected a major attack of some sort. When I told people the events were not surprising to me I go very very negative reactions.

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 20 Feb 2016, 9:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

9/11 did initially shock me when it was obvious when the 2nd plane hit, that it an intentional attack.

Was I surprised that it happened ? No.

You can't poke a hive of bees, and not expect to be stung.

As for the whole honesty thing. I am 46 and still blab my life story to complete strangers. I remember
my parents and siblings eyes rolling when I did it as a child.
I also remember asking endless questions.
I came back from my mothers hairdressers knowing the hairdressers life story.
My mother had been going there a year or two and knew her hairdressers first name only.
She asked me how I knew and I told her, I ask questions.

I think its a defence thing, so no one asks me anything that I might struggle to answer.

My kids often say to me OH you didn't just say that. Or mum you didn't just cross a line but jumped over it.

I would like to stop blabbing so much, but can't seem to until i see obvious eye rolls or people looking
with raised eye brows.

I've never been called out on it, but I'm all too familiar with being too serious or basically bullying others into going along with my view without even meaning to. At the time it seems all right and proper, but when I look back I'm less sure and come to regret it.

I did play a character in a certain RP who pretty much said that someone's feelings on a topic didn't matter pretty much word for word, but considering that said character was working to bring about a magical style industrial revolution and the guys the character said this about were part of an anti-magic faction doomed to eventual obsolescence I still stand by that.

Oh I'm glad it's not just me! I'm starting to feel a more 'belonging'. The more I read about Aspie, the more 'ah that make sense' moments I have. My husband aggreed that I should get tested professionally. He told me that I have an issue of repeating what I've said. Apparently I asked if things are, 'okay' three times. Like if I give someone a present I have to ask them, 'do you like it' three times. Anyone else do something similar?

I usually suck at gift giving, I have improved though.

I'm Celiac, so I tend to blab about that a lot. I know a lot about it (for obvious reasons). When people ask I usually give them my entire 'food history' lecture. Everyone who knows me, knows I'm Celiac and how I got there. The same with telling them about my library degree/studying and oh yeah my 10 months old son. Oh I can blab about him for ages (he has a rare CHD and has had 2 open heart surgeries).

I've also been known to give people to many facts. My Mum didn't like me helping with her college course. I kinda took over and she told me to stop, so I did.

I didn't really react to 9/11 either. I'm in Australia but my husband is American. We didn't know each other at the time. My Mum had to turn the TV off because it was too depressing. However a more relevant event to me would have been our City's recent floods (a couple of years ago). We had to evacuate. Our place was high and dry, but I was sick and needed access to pharmacy ect.. So we fleed to my parents house (much to their disappointment). I still don't understand the drama it created. On our way back home, people were driving around having a 'look'. So much so that traffic was stuck for miles and they were holding up clean. There was a guy cleaning up on the side of the road yelling, 'go home'. I thought he was directly insulting me. Mum had to tell me he didn't mean it literally to me. It still upsets me to think of his ignorance. I guess this is my way of taking something litteral that wasn't meant to be?

To tell someone that their feelings don't matter is tantamount to telling them they don't matter. While someone's feelings may not be relevant to a situation, they still matter because they are the person's experience.
You are struggling with Theory of Mind issues - a lack of awareness of the presence of the other.

Is this an Aspie trait/symptom? Something that a professional can help me with? I would really like to improve, as I can see it becoming more of an issue.

I don't know if I am Aspie or not to be honest.

I just know sometimes I want to say something and have to hold it back, and it can feel awful but the feeling passes
luckily for me.

Although I might be seen with a goofy grin, after saying out loud in my head and finding it funny.

Yes it is an aspie trait. And yes, you can improve your understanding of it. At least to the point of being aware of it even if you aren't feeling it.

Thank you, this has actually helped a lot. I am also guessing that sucking at, responses is an Aspie trait/symptom? Sometimes if someone asks me something I go dead silent. For example today, I once told someone that I like them and they asked, why you say that? I didn't know what to say, so I stood there in silence. I do this often, not knowing what to say until someone else picks up the slack or they laugh in awkwardness.

Silence is better than babbling, which is my tendency.

I am very tactful, and it's very rare that I'll upset someone by being too honest. A few months ago at work they were switching supervisors, from one I didn't like much to one I consider a good friend of mine, and when they both announced it to me I couldn't help myself, I cried out "yay!" which made my friend laugh but the other one took offense to it because she didn't speak to me for a few days after that. I felt so guilty.

BUT the x-supervisor wasn't a very good supervisor anyway, and she had upset me and a few other workers before, in an unprofessional way, which I couldn't get over, so me being unusually tactless like that was probably due to resentment that had built up. The other workers thought I was great to get her at her own game, but to this day I still feel mean, even after apologizing to her and her forgiving me.

Um, I've had NTs tell me to my face that they don't care about my feelings, in other words, my feelings don't matter.

Also, when I've been laughed at in public before I felt like they really do not know what feelings even are.

It seems that when NTs don't care about your feelings, it's ok, but when an Aspie doesn't care about an NT's feelings, oh dear, call the police, this Aspie is the worst human being in the world, wipe his or her seed off the face of the earth!

This is why being an Aspie sucks balls. People forget about how much most of us get bullied by NT people in all sorts of ways, but we've always got to tread carefully around NTs as not to hurt their feelings.

I got involved in quite a few arguments because of that. I'm either too secretive or truly honest, there isn't any in between. My father always told me I'd be in trouble for that sooner or later and yes, sometimes I was in trouble because of that. I'm honest, bluntly honest, frankly brutal sometimes, but with people I respect as true friends, even if I could give up that honesty, I wouldn't do it. I'm honest to them the same way as I want them to be honest to me. I can reword something, but I won't go any further. I see this side of myself as something positive even though most people don't share my opinion.

My reaction to 9/11 was "huh....glad I wasn't there." I wasn't surprised because I used to watch a TV show called "7 days" and in it, the hero could go back in time to maximum of 7 days to 'fix disasters.' I could swear that there was an episode that dealt with evading a disaster of terrorists ramming a plane into the towers. Or, I may be wrong, I can't find any reference to that. It may be like the 'X-Files' Incest episode. Never to be repeated.

And, I wasn't surprised because it happened before with truck bombing. And, Giuliani was really, really stupid to put the command center into a proven terrorist target.

I was not surprised at all and I caught grief about it. And, every year, they treat it like some masturbatory, self flagellation thing where they just want to wallow in it. Horrible yes, but damn, worse things happen, have happened in both this country and others.

Humans do not surprise me anymore in what they can do to each other.