Did I Ruin a Possible Relationship?

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Hello everyone. I'm a new member and this is my first post. I'm hoping for some good advice. I don't have AS but I have questions about how I can correct some of my ignorant doings. This may seem like an odd question, but to me it is important to get good advice prior to my next step.


Quick background: One of my friends has a 28 yr old sister that seemed quite shy when I first met her. I have always been very good at getting shy people to "open up". But it never really worked with her. Over time I realized that she was much more than just shy and I am 99.8% sure she has AS.


Here's the problem. I didn't realize she had AS until recently. So at first I did what I have always done around shy people: tell jokes, be a little (or very) jokingly sarcastic, tried to tell her she should get out and do things like biking, hiking, etc. because I wanted to do these things with her.

Obviously, now I realize she has AS! And what I was doing was completely opposite of what I should have done!

But she has since told her sister that she thinks I am a bit irritating (and I now understand why). She also said I was bossy.....probably because I kept saying "You should do this or that". She must have taken that literally that I was telling her to do something? Oh and she called me nosey because I looked at some Christmas cards she had sitting in a nice row on her cabinet?????


Over the past 2 years I have gone as far as to buy her a bike, bring flowers, gifts at all holidays, and just about any small chore/job at her house that I could think of just to go over to her home. I did this because I would really enjoy having her as a good friend. I got very little response.


Can my ignorance be corrected? Or am I finished?





I realize that this may seem like a stupid question.



Does anyone have any advice on how I can basically start over with this 'relationship'? I understand that everything up until this point has not been the best thing to do with a person having Asperger's Syndrome. I dobt it's as easy as saying "forget the way you remembered me, this is the way I really am."


Any advice? Thanks in advance.

what does she like? aske her about that, better yet buy her anything she like. if she knows you, and you really want to build a bridge then she will understand

Erich,

You shouldn't do that stuff REGARDLESS! As for your claimed abilities and past successes, I have seen SIMILAR things happen, and then found I was a laughing stock. People do some WIERD things. SIT COMS are based on that!

Did you destroy the relationship? MAYBE. Do you STILL have an in? If so, maybe you can apologize, and explain. Otherwise, lay low and MAYBE THEY can give you an in.

I feel I DO have AS, so I am really good at telling people what NOT to do here. I can't help much on giving you anything ACTIVE that stands a good chance, etc...

Steve

Aspies appreciate honesty. Hell, we don't even understand dishonesty. So be straight with her. Apologize for coming off like a jerk before. Tell her you like her, and would like to get to know her. Ask her for coffee.

NEVER push.

As to, "Can my ignorance be corrected? Or am I finished?" - only time will tell. The magic 8-ball says, "Outlook not so good"... but anything's possible. Give her space, give her time. That would be my best advice.

Maybe try to do things with her that she already likes, in space she already likes. I mean, i'm not really a person that rides bikes, so if someone was like, "hey, we should go for a bike ride," my response would probably be, "um....why" eventually leading to "um....no." But if someone said, "hey, we should watch a movie in your room," I would be more likely to say, "um....ok."

Tell her the reason you did all those things. Tell her you understand now it wasn't the best way to go about things. Tell her you want to do things the way she feels would be best for her, because you care about her. Ask if she'll give you a chance to do that and if she'll point you in the right direction.

That's what I'd want someone to say to me in that situation. Actually, it's kinda what my boyfriend told me when we were having relationship problems. He was straight and honest with me, and talked to my reason/logic. When he goes about things like that I feel much better about us and like he's really listening to what I need.

Thank you for the responses so far. The more the better. I really do appreciate the help.



Understand, I wasn't necessarily coming off like a jerk before. Her sister was around most of the time and she didn't think I was being a jerk at all. But I can fully understand that a person with AS would feel differently to what I was doing.

I hope you didn't read into my actions the wrong way. Keep in mind.....I'm not just sitting there doing stand-up comedy or anything like that! That would be weird! You know, it was just light joking around and stuff while talking. I've always been very good around shy people. Joking around and laughing has always helped them open up, smile, and start talking. It never made me into the laughing stock and they didn't find it unusual.


But I now see that this is 100% totally wrong for someone with AS.





I'm a very caring and loyal person and it just upsets me knowing that such a nice 28 yr old woman is just sitting all by herself at home each night, each weekend, all year, for many many years. She really acts as if she wants to get out and do things, but it just doesn't seem to happen. And I sure as heck don't want to look too bossy.


It's difficult trying to learn about her likes and dislikes and I can't seem to find that subject that she really wants to talk about. It's a bit hard to keep the conversation moving without input from her.


I'm learning though. I'm just at a bit of a loss right now on what my next step should be.

You WERE acting like a jerk. Even your statement about how you couldn't bare to see her alone, etc... indicates that. As for apologies, I would say don't go over there JUST to apologize unless you have an in. BTW even NON-AS people hate that! People have gotten court orders against it. LUCKILY, you SEEM to indicate that you can see her by visiting your friend. MAYBE(BE CAREFUL HERE), you can explain to her friend what you want to do, why, etc... and she could help you. One wrong move, and SHE could hate you. Keep in mind that her sister may have painted you in a bad light, and her she may be trying to decide if she should still be your friend. You may only have ONE chance, so MAKE IT GOOD! BE CONTRITE!! !! !

Steve

SteveK, WHAT are you talking about? It's normal for NT's to hate to see others alone, to them it seems sad, like the person is depressed and doesn't have a way to get out, or like she is shy and needs a push which is what he thought. Just as those with AS, myself probably included, think one way, NT's think another way and it is all about perspective. He wasn't intrinsically wrong for thinking this. He was NOT intentionally being a jerk, and if it had been anyone else, he wouldn't have seemed like one at all. Now he's learned that that way of thinking does not apply for her, and that is good and a step in the right direction. Relationships are a lot about learning and mistakes will be made along the way, but's that's ok in the long run. And it IS ok to go over to just apologize for unintentionally doing something the other person didn't appreciate, and it's not something (like stalkerish) that would get a court order against him. And going through friends is NOT a good idea. When you're in a relationship, you deal with the two of you and don't get others to take sides or be persuasive on your behalf. It's rude and underhanded to do that. She's an adult and is perfectly capable of talking to him if she wishes about this situation without help from others about what she should or should not do. I think Erich is on the right track. He wants to know more about her, and that will probably include learning more about AS and how to deal with it. WP is a good place for learning.

Quoted for truth.

I originally had a much longer post, but then my computer crashed.. perhaps that's for the better, but here's the short of it:

When other women I know would pine for flowers or gifts big or small and even call, nag, threaten their significant others for such things I would ask: why?

First of all, I could care less about such things. And if you have to nag and threaten, what's the point? Does it even mean anything then?

Forget the bike. I could care less about even a free luxury car. I would think: I can already get from point A to point B. I don't need these things. I would also question your intentions and if you are trying to "buy" me.

I would appreciate a gift that reflects my own interests so much more. This shows you really know them as a person and appreciate them for who they are.

Sarcasm and telling me what to do with myself would be big, big turnoffs..

In fact, I appreciate someone who is honest, direct and doesn't play the usual social games. Someone who treats me with mutuality, equality and respect, can appreciate great intellectual conversation, and takes the time to get to know and appreciate (and accept) me for who I am more than any amount of money in the world.

I get the feeling you might be over-analyzing this a bit. IF she's an Aspie, that doesn't mean there's a rule book out there as to how to act around her. If there's one thing I've realized since learning about Asperger's, it's that it manifests in everyone in a different way. Stop trying to categorize her (if only you knew how ironic it is that I'm saying that), and try and get to know her.

Also, cool it with the gifts and such. You're trying too hard and I know that would really make me uncomfortable, like an emotional violation of the personal space bubble.

By the way, she probably likes having alone time so there's really no need to feel sorry for her. Hopefully, you haven't given her the impression that you feel sorry for her. I don't know if it's an Aspie thing, but I know I'm very proud and nothing would have me running away from a guy faster than to think he was interested in me because of pity.

Steve, I really don't understand why you think I was being a jerk. I'm just trying to be nice to a nice person that has some social issues (not a put down). I really don't want that to come out wrong on this board. Maybe this is the wrong place to be asking these questions, I'm not sure. I don't have AS and I surely don't want to type anything that may offend anyone here. I was just looking for some solid advice to help out someone with AS. So I figured this would be the best place to start.

I don't enjoy seeing her sitting in her house alone all the time when I know she wants to try doing other things. She has insinuated that she would like to go out, but it just never really happens. I'm just trying to help and form a good friendship/relationship. I'm not trying to be a jerk at all.


jnet, your first few sentences really summed up how I feel in this situation. Thanks for seeing that. I appreciate your ideas in the rest of your post.

Thanks again.

I understand and can appreciate all that. And I never said it was intentional, etc... But some people, ESPECIALLY WOMEN(sorry, but it is true) can get upset if you press. You don't even have to press much at all. He was pressing, and got in trouble, and she may not even want to allow him to apologize. I KNOW dealing through friends like that isn't good.(I meant to facilitate a meeting, NOT any real tricks, etc...) I even mentioned that. BUT, as YOU said, "if she wishes"! The question is DOES SHE? Probably not, if she is already bad mouthing him.

The BEST way is for him to keep it in the back of his mind, live as usual as if this never happened, and work in a CONTRITE apology if he happens to see her. Unfortunately, as I said, that may never happen.

But HEY, I know LOTS of things NOT to do. MY problem is I so rarely know what I SHOULD do.

Steve

I got her the bike because she mentioned that she would probably enjoy going biking, but the excuse "I don't have a bike and I'm not sure which to buy" kept coming up. So for her birthday, I got her a bike.

It was just a nice jesture, that's it. Maybe she did question my intentions, but she shouldn't have, I was not trying to "buy" her friendship, just a bike to use in a friendship

I'm beginning to think that this might be harder than I thought.




I have not given her the impression that I feel sorry for her in any way. I do realize she may like being by herself a lot. But she does act intrested in doing other things, it just never seems to go much farther.

Last edited by Erich on 18 Apr 2007, 10:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's us women for you It's ok, I have faith you'll "get it" soon enough. You seem like a nice guy. Give it time.