How to spot a manipulator?

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We, AS naturally say the truth and achieve things without lying or cheating.

We tend to think that everybody is like us, and that is why we trust and help people so naturally.

That is also why we attract manipulators.
Manipulators use our innocence.
Their behavior is destructive for us.
So it is very important to be able to spot quickly a manipulator.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co ... nipulators


Feel free to share here how you spot out manipulators.

The person always insisting they never said this or that and that you did (gas lighting)

The person getting upset with you and calling you self centered or telling you how selfish you are for not doing what they wanted you to do (their ploy to get you to do what they want you to do because you then feel so bad)

Person slacking off and not doing what they promised what they were not going to do and then they have an excuse and may say something to convince you they are not being controlling

Person saying they will go kill themselves when they don't get something or telling you they will do it if you leave them (emotional black mail)

Excuses excuses, always have excuses to not do something so every idea you come up with to help them with their issue, they shoot it down and not take it



And more is listed here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co ... nipulation


I believe my ex was big on manipulation and he did a very good job because he made it look like it was all unintentional and hid behind the AS label to get away with his abuse. I wonder what he hid behind before with his ex girlfriend and she managed to stay with him for eight years. Also he told me things like people think I am slow, his parents think I am ret*d so he told them I was not. I realize now none of these things may have been true and he was only telling me these things to isolate me from people and from talking to his parents to know the real him. Also he used to tell his kid everything about me like what i took literal, what things I did and everything had to be his kid's business including what we were talking about. Nothing could be between us. I also realize this was a form of abuse and his way to humiliate me and basically what he was doing was child abuse because he was involving his kid in it. So his doctor he hired to try and catch his ex in her "lies" was right to say he wouldn't be a fit father for his son and I sure hope the things he told his son totally backfired because kids have mouths and lack filters so if he told his mother things about me, she probably read between the lines and used it against him or she could have asked him how he knew those things about me or he told her that his dad said this. The kid was nine. And I have lies in quotes because I am not sure if she was lying and if he was the one lying about her to me. That is also one of their manipulation tactics and sometimes it's very difficult to tell because manipulation can look like genuine behavior and that is what makes them be very good at it even normal people of all intelligence gets fooled. That is how people stay in abusive relationships. Then by the time you figure it out, the damage has been done. But what gets me is I was his second woman and he got his first relationship at 27 years of age so how could there not have been a supply before him is beyond me and why it took him three years to find another supply is also beyond me unless it was one of his lies. But I will never know because I didn't really talk to his family members about him to learn more about him. That is a lesson here to learn, when dating someone, always talk to their family members about them when you get the chance and ask them things about them and see what they say about them and what they say. That is probably why he told me his grandparents think I am ret*d and slow, to keep me from wanting to communicate with them. That could have been his lie too. Another sign of manipulation is when someone tells you what others said about you and anything negative and if it seems like everyone is talking behind your back.

Also a way to weed out a manipulator is to ask them about their hobbies and stuff like if they say they also like poetry, ask them about what is their favorite poem and if they say they have written any, tell them you want to see some of their work and if they say they like karate and have done it, ask them about what they did in it. Be interested in them and what they say and ask them questions about their likes and dislikes and probe for detail and having a conversation. This will make them run. I don't remember the source for this unfortunately.

I got a lot of great tips from "How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty", especially in dealing with guilt trips and pressure tactics. Lots of good techniques like the "broken record": "i understand how you feel, but I still can't do that."

i found this and i will print it for regular reminder to myself:
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-No-Without-Feeling-Guilty

Thanks.

I can spot manipulation a mile away. A big siren alarm of warning is when manipulators use neuro-linguistic programming toward others ("let's..." when the manipulator wants to share in the benefits of work, but "I need you to..." when the manipulator wants others to do the work for them, as if they are teaching others) is a big siren alarm of warning. Think "Stone Soup."

Classically, manipulators promise the world while expecting to do none of the invested work. Their anger at reversing the roles is tantamount to admission of manipulation.

I think language like "Let's..." and "I need you to..." are just polite ways of insisting on certain behavior from someone else (as opposed to using imperative language, which is kind of rude). So on its own, it's not the kind of sneakiness that people are talking about when they say manipulation, but the question you want to ask yourself might be, "How appropriate is it for this person to insist on this behavior from me?" It is very often appropriate in a boss-subordinate relationship or a parent-child relationship. I'd say it's occasionally understandable in a relationship of equal partners. But all of those would have situations where it's not appropriate. If a manipulative person was going to use this, it'd be after they use some kind of sneaky tactic previously to make you feel like they are justified on this insistence.

How To Spot A Manipulator?
...I'll go with the old lawyer joke: The person's mouth is moving.

I new a manipulator, when she wanted you to do something for Her, she was always saying it like this:

1st sentence: ooh, i need to do that, + complaints

2nd sentence: shall we do that? / don't you want to help?

3rd sentence: will you that for me ?

4th sentence (a bit later): So, you have not done it yet? I always have to remind you.

Yep that sounds about right, lol.

I'd also like to add, for finding manipulators watch for this key tactic: the compliment/request. It's the go to for a manipulator: a big ego boosting compliment followed by either a critique or a request to do something for said manipulator. Now, if you say "no" to their request they'll get super upset because, well, they gave you a compliment and you're just supposed to do what they say after that. I always like to point out that the compliment wasn't sincere, merely a tool to get me to go along with the request: you know, call them out on their game. This generally invites more denial than an insane asylum, but it's oh so fun to watch people blow a gasket when they deserve it.

So true when i think of it, i did not know the joke! Efficient technique.

Lawyers are a good source of manipulation techniques (i mean, in any "case", they know the techniques for job purposes)
I am not a lawyer but i read "Trials and trial techniques" (Mauet), a jewel to understand what is going out of the expert moving mouth...

I would add that "the mouth is moving into an other direction than the feet"

May I ask where you're from? I can tell English is a second language for you, yet from your posts (other threads I've read beside this one) you seem to share a lot of common experiences I've had, and beliefs, interests, etc. It always fascinates me when I find a like mind (very rare for me, even here on Wrong Planet).

Ah, this is good too. For a more detailed set of strategies, I misremembered the title of the book I was thinking of: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J. Smith:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553263900

My big weakness are the ones that go for the guilt or that try to play on my sympathies. My mom once told me I was stabbing her in the heart when I announced I was changing my major from biology to art. Since I was paying for about 80% of my college, I wasn't sure why. I get clients all the time coming in saying how they PROMISED their boss or client that they would have a job ready by a certain date (without checking with me first), and then flatter me about what a BRILLIANT designer I am. These will be the same people who complain to my manager if I don't give them a status update every other day, and argue over the bill.

(Sorry if this is considered an old thread but I was looking through the forum and found it)

The article OP linked hit me hard because the four characteristics describe exactly the kind of person I had to deal with before. In this case, the weakness they used was my special interests. They'd make me feel lucky to have them, since I was coming out of another relationship that abused me for them, and they made me feel lucky to have them cos they "weren't like that" (wow, not being abusive, WHAT AN ACHIEVEMENT!) but then they'd turn around and then guilt me over it.

In this case the part of myself I wound up giving up was my special interest at that time. I initially refused but after their friends came at me for so long it eventually soured for me.

Sorry I didnt reply earlier, had nothing to add...'cause I know exactly what you're talking about.

My maternal unit as a child was a MASTER manipulator.

She was classically Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and she had 2 golden children, and a Scapegoat (me).

My mother used all the levels of abuse to control her children, and by any means necessary.

She was under so much control as a matter of fact, that when a Rift between me and herself occurred, my Siblings were commanded to cut off all forms of contact from me, and anyone who associated with me. This was passed on to my Uncle (mothers flesh and blood older brother), and my GrandFather (mothers flesh and blood father).

My Grandfather died without seeing his own daughter, because he refused to follow her command not to talk to me or see me.