ZombieBrideXD wrote:
so i guess i had a bad day.. i bet i feel this way because i didn't eat yet but still its a vicious cycle. What should i do when i start thinking about suicide? I dont want to bother anyone and i dont want to take medication... what should i do when i feel so low and so worthless, like im just a problem for everyone else and i should just leave...?
ZombieBrideXD wrote:
Ok not the Asylum but the Psychiatric ward.. I had a breakdown i just cant handle the stress of taking care of myself and all the responsibilities.
The psychiatrist said i was just lazy and spoiled.
Im exhausted...
Dear ZombieBridgeXD,
I read your courageous post from February 15th, "What should i do when i think about suicide?", and it's also courageous you went to a psychiatric ward.
The following is just my opinion, if it's ok to post it for you.
You're 18, which is very young, and you're dealing with some
huge difficulties. I'm really sorry things are like this for you.
If you feel down, worthless, and like you're letting people down, and a bother to people, maybe try to look at the people that you're surrounded with. Maybe they don't understand you, are expecting too much, lack sympathy for your, have a narrow view of life, etc. And, maybe they're subjecting you to all of this without any care for who you are as a person, your differences, your strengths and weaknesses, your style, your likes and dislikes, etc. Maybe they have a need to show you, over and over, that you are failing to live up to what they expect of you. If they do this, they are abusive, in my opinion. They should realize they have a 18 year old girl/woman who is different (Aspergers), who is very unique, and that they should Stop treating you as they are. I've read of a family that was super wealthy, and had parents and extended family of extremely accomplished people. 3 of the 6 children (when in their 20's and 30's) of this family killed themselves, and one other of them would often write letters, over many years, expressing his desire to do so. The kids probably felt inferior, a burden, failures, etc. I'm sure you're situation is not exactly like this, but maybe your parents, classmates, teachers, etc., fail to recognize your uniqueness, differences, skills, strengths, and your difficulties, weaknesses, sensitivities, etc. If you can, hope for the future, when you might be able to find people who can appreciate you much more for who you are. And if you can, try to have the strength to hold out until you can structure your life in a way that is much better for you.
About your experience with the psychiatrist and hospital, it probably will take you some time, maybe some years, to be able to figure out how to better work with psychiatrists via communication. I mean, how to describe what you're going through in detail, without becoming exhausted, impatient, angry, etc. I'm not sure what happened with the psychiatrist that you worked with, but maybe you were just full of intense emotion, and couldn't describe what was happening in a calm way. BUT, for the psychiatrist to have told you you're lazy and spoiled, this is Abusive of him/her. You could do a complaint against that person with the hospital. Psychiatrists should
always treat patients with
dignity. Even if you're angry, sad, exhausted, ranting, yelling, etc., you should be treated with
dignity. I noticed your mention of wanting to cut yourself. I can't remember if you do in fact cut yourself. I also saw your mention of whether you have Borderline Personality (BP). My own feeling is that people who use the method of cutting themselves to deal with problems have BP. While you might have it to a less degree, as you mentioned, you seem to still have it. You're probably an
extremely sensitive person (typical of BP), and a wonderful person .... I had a great friend/girlfriend with BP and saw her struggle .... such an intense struggle. I hope you can find a psychiatrist/therapist and hospital setting (when needed) that will be more guiding for you.