Pain from being raised by an Asperger's parent.

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I feel very wounded in my present life. I am middle aged now, and my past still haunts me. I now realize why dad was the way he was (Asperger's) but the feelings of emotional abandonment are still with me, as are the harsh words and treatment I received. For example, spilling milk was not acceptable, even if you were a toddler. Why? Because milk costs money. That was dad's rational.

My spouse is more introverted than I am. He likes a lot of time by himself which is hard for me because it reminds me of dad wanting to be off by himself a lot. I am still looking for that attention I did not receive growing up. It's hard enough that he has Asperger's without having other siblings to compete with.

I joined this forum to see if others are still feeling a lot of hurt into their adult years.

my dad was most likely an aspie. he worked hard for us, but the little time he spent with us was dominated by anger. i was afraid of men until i had a wonderful male boss. i also went to a support group for half a dozen years where i learned to be my own parent, give myself the love and attention i was craving. having a cat helps me. he is affectionate (that's what i asked for at the shelter) and is there for me when others can't be.

Yes, my father has a lot of anger as well. He blows up at the simplest things. I hope one day I can heal from this.

I think you're feeling a lot of hurt because you've taken your dad's emotional distance personally. The way I see it, expecting your dad to give you the attention you crave is the same as expecting a blind person to describe what the colour blue looks like. The capacity sometimes just isn't there.
Understanding and acceptance of the way things are is better than resisting what is and wishing things were different. What exactly is that going to accomplish?
Lots of people had rough childhoods. Learn and grow from it. Don't arrest your own development with bitterness.

My husband thought this forum might be helpful to me. I want to get past this but I am struggling. That is why I am here. I'm just looking for support. I know others had difficult childhoods but I am just trying to deal with my own.

i believe you can.

Sorry, I guess I don't really understand the concept of support. Do you mean you want people to commiserate with you and don't offer advice? Like, I'm sorry your childhood was awful and I hope things improve? I often say the wrong thing. Communication has always been difficult for me.

I am not on the autism spectrum so it would help to get the perspective of another NT who was raised by someone with Asperger's. I would like to hear the stories of people who have the same situation as I do. Then, I would like to get advice from them on coping skills.

At least I know now that dad has a reason for why he is the way he is. It still is difficult to manage the hurt that has stemmed from as far back as I remember. I remember when he had had too much to drink, and would swing me around. I couldn't understand why no one else liked it when he was drunk. He was the opposite of a mean drunk. He was very playful instead.

You may find some of what you are looking for here:
viewtopic.php?t=87678

I am not neurotypical so I may not provide the kind of sharing you seek, but I can tell you that your example of anger over spilled milk is one that I knew. It's comical because of the aphorism "there's no point crying over spilt milk," but those are not happy memories. My dad's justification was not financial, but rather that the milk would drip between the floorboards, then rot, stink and be impossible to clean. There was hurt in his rage that still hurts.

Despite those flares of temper, he was a wonderful man and I miss him terribly. I often find that I am interested in things that he was interested in and regret not having an opportunity to share those passions.

I am sorry that your memories are dominated by hurt. I hope you can find the peace and happiness you deserve.

Thank you so much!

I am also not NT. For what it is worth, my suggestion is that you not look at your father as failing to support you because he was on the spectrum, as there are many very nurturing parents on the spectrum, and more importantly thinking that way is unlikely to help you when people in your life who have some spectrum traits remind you of your father.

His negativity and anger may not have been his fault, or yours, but he owns the responsibility both for his actions and inactions and for the consequences. Autism doesn't prevent kindness toward others, especially toward children. You might enjoy reading in the parenting forum!

Understanding other people's negativity doesn't really help me a whole lot. Action does. If in the present anyone's behavior is triggering you, getting away or talking with them about how they can be supportive, or finding more support away from them are all very good options that help me. Mindfulness activities of some sort whether religion, yoga, meditation, or just being outdoors are also helpful.

You live now and deserve to be happy.

Is your father still alive or recently deceased?

My Dad is AS, and he's not like that.

He does have some family of origin issues - his whole family focused around keeping his abusive, chronically delinquent and drug abusing brother out of trouble - but his AS is not an issue for me or my NT brother. In fact, for me, since I'm AS too, having a Dad who understood me has really helped. Especially before I got diagnosed, because when my Mom's parenting instincts were off base, my Dad would suggest something that would have worked with him.

Plenty of parents have problems, AS or not. But if a parent has AS, suddenly people think all of their parenting issues are AS-related.

My father is still alive.

I am just saying what happened to me. I find it easier to cope with my past if I think it is the AS. But you are right, every person with AS does not act the same. It affects everyone differently just like anything else would.

However, I think it might be difficult for people with AS and people without AS to really understand where the other is coming from.

Thank you all for your suggestions.

In the long run, I don't believe you will find it easier even if it seems easier now. When your husband needs alone time you said that reminds you of your father, so presumably that puts your father's behavior that hurt you together with your husband. I really think it's a terrible mistake to blame the AS rather than the person or fate, or nothing and no one if that works for you. However, if right now you want to do that, why not look for a forum more devoted to people who have family members with AS? I don't think this is very reliable but you could google Cassandra Syndrome or faaas.org and see if that gives you what you are looking for. I don't agree with the perspective they take, but look if you like.

One other suggestion I have is neurotypical people almost always suggest, when I need help dealing with someone who is difficult (including family and people who seem like they are BAP or AS), directly seeking what i need, telling the person, or setting some kind of limit or boundary if they won't stop. If your father is still being negative and it is bothering you, getting that to stop is important.

I have been deeply scared by growing up with my mother who has AS. I also have AS. It has taken years of therapy for me to deal with what happened to me growing up. No one understands. Hell, most people don't even know what Asperger's is. Most of the time, people think I am lying when I talk about my childhood. Other times people think I should just move on. Words cannot express the damage that occurs when you are not given things that are necessary for happiness: physical nurturing, verbal and physical affection, attention, guidance, lessons on living life. My mom did no parenting of me. She should never have had children or gotten married because she lacks the capacity for those types of intense personal relationships.

I have gotten a lot better, but somethings are always going to be broken for me. I am attracted to women who are like my mom: needy and emotionally unavailable. This perverse attraction is never going to go away. I have very unrealistic expectations of myself (perfectionism) because I was never allowed to be a child. All typical childhood behavior was punished. I also hate an intense phobia of intimate relationships--especially with women. To me, intimacy with a women equals humiliation, longing for affection that I will never get no matter how much I give, putting all my needs aside to take care of the woman and being miserable in the process. Logically, I know that this does not have to be the case, but PTSD is a b***h. My brain automatically puts an emotional block of fear between me and women I am attracted to.

With all this being said, my mom's AS is not the cause of her abusive behavior. It was the way she was raised. All the women in my mom's family are abusive toward their partners and their male children. She learned this behavior. I also do not hate my mother. She is no longer abusive, and I know she can't help the mistakes she made in the past.

Long-term therapy is what has helped me in addition to going to support groups focused on healing from the trauma of living with a mentally-ill loved one.