Wife called to say she had an accident (a year or so ago)

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Basically she had run off a winding road and hit a fence. The reason she gave was that a spider was pestering her and she was trying to brush it away, and lost control.

So when she called, once it was quickly established (to my satisfaction) that she was not dead or paralyzed for life, I immediately tried to find out such things as, were other vehicle/people involved, property damage and how extensive, damage to the car and how extensive, etc.

Wouldn't you want to know such things ASAP? Of course, she was furious because I seemed more concerned with these things than her emotional state.

Wouldn't most of you have reacted the same way?

I have reacted that way, and lived to regret it.

It really seems that some people consider their feelings more important that facts, and the rest of us would be better off to get used to it.

That's happened to me. My wife called me all kinds of names after a few of her accidents. It was because she thought I was insensitive.

I'd find that a difficult situation too.

If you have a practical problem needs solving, and I am available and able - no problem, I'll help anyone any way I can, Anything you like - dig flowerbeds, fix computers, help move house, feed your cat - no problem! Glad to be of assistance.

If it's an emotional problem. I'm lost. If I try and console people, I always end up at some point thinking, "I have no idea what this person is going through."

IMHO, empathy begins with the question, "How would I feel if the situation were reversed?". But when I ask myself that question, I know that I don't always get the answer that most people expect. When I'm upset, I don't want people anywhere near me, at least for a while. I definitely don't want to be touched. And I'd prefer people kept their platitudes to themselves. I am not going to be listening until I can get my own thoughts clear in my head. It's so hard for me to conceive of other people not wanting the same thing - I have to stop and remind myself that it isn't the prevalent way to react to a crisis.

I have the same problem. Just last week the leader of my social skills group and I were discussing why certain lines of inquiry that I'd tried when conversing had been unsuccessful. The example in question involved me upsetting my mom by embarrassing her friend when he came to visit. He was talking about his son and highlighting a lot of autistic traits, without seeming to be aware of their significance, so I asked if he'd ever had the son tested for autism. Everyone laughed like I'd said something funny (which confused me) and later, when I asked my mom why they were all laughing, she got annoyed and said, "They were embarrassed, you're not supposed to ask things like that."

When retelling that story to my group leader, she said, "Well, it's a little like someone saying they have a headache, and you responding with, "Maybe you have cancer." How would you feel if someone said that to you?" I said I'd be concerned, and ask what symptoms made them think that, whether they had medical training, etc., to which she replied, "Well, yes, that's a logical way to respond, but remember the emotional piece; most people would feel like you weren't listening to them, or weren't being empathetic if you didn't acknowledge their feelings about what they were telling you." That seems stupid to me. If I'm concerned that someone I know has cancer (for example) I'm not going to risk their health by not telling them what I think, just because that response "fails to acknowledge their emotions". "Gee that really sucks" is a useless, and indeed, irresponsible response if I'm concerned there might be something wrong.

In my opinion that sounds like a "male" response to the situation, or at least a "male autistic" reaction. Whether females are given more socialisation during their life to be more empathetic, or whether it comes naturally, I'm not sure. I personally would assume that she would be freaking out and not able to concentrate on details like what state the car is in and other practical things. Also she probably hoped that you would "take charge" of the situation and organise a tow truck or come pick her up, something to give her a break from a traumatic situation... but in your way I guess you were trying to figure out the situation and what needed to be done.

Having said that, I have definitely reacted in similar ways which overlook people's emotional needs... e.g. my mother had chest pain one time and I went with her in the ambulance to the hospital. Her partner, who already knew we were going in the ambulance, called me and was quite irate "Why didn't you call me when you got to the hospital?!", my answer was "I didn't realise you wanted me to..." - there was no information to give him so it hadn't occurred to me to call him just to say we arrived.

Hmm, I'm trying to imagine the situation, and all the mental models I'm coming up with make me sympathize with her. I'm not sure if any of these were actually the case, it could be that the actual situation is something else I didn't think of, but....

She's trying to describe the situation generally but you're interrupting with questions = annoying.
She's trying to talk about her feelings but you're interrupting with questions = annoying.
She's not talking (or is babbling incoherently) because she's stressed out and you're asking for hard-to-discuss details = annoying.
She finished describing what she thinks is the immediately important info and you're asking for more = annoying.

Stressful situations naturally magnify negative emotions, so when I say "annoying," I mean they might push me to the edge of a violent rage if I'd just been in a car accident. I don't like to talk about my feelings, but I like talking about cars even less. Even if she wants to talk about her feelings, since her feelings are related to the situation, it seems pretty inevitable that she'll talk about the practical matters of the situation (e.g. "I'm sad because we're going to be in debt for life because of all this damage ") unless her emotions are so intense and horrible that it's interfering with her ability to communicate.

But as her spouse, you're financially linked to her, so she should respect your feelings by not waiting too long to give you any information she's able to give.

Do you ever have a "meltdown" or "shutdown"? They're considered autism things because many autistic folks will get them in situations that a lot of NTs wouldn't be bothered by, but anyone gets them under enough stress. So think of her as being in one of those states, or getting close to it.

Questioning things hasn't helped me much either. I've been in a situation (in a conversation about cosmetics of all things) where I've been accused of "freaking out" when I was merely asking questions out of curiosity. Both my mom and sister agreed that I was acting weird about it whereas my brother agreed with me that I was just asking simple questions. He even said that they were the ones "freaking out". I later asked my mom what would be the correct response and she basically told me I should have said some superficial "Oh, it'll look great!" even though the questions I asked never suggested otherwise and I was just curious.
I've found the male relatives easier to reason with than the females, though I am female myself

I learned from my uncle's mistake to express concern for the person above all else, or else "all you care about is the @#$%&! car!"

I'd be like is the car okay, What about the Property damage. I'd not think of emotion because facts comes first for me not emotion.

I think its a method they use to distract you away from their mistake. Rather than admitting their mistake, they demand care and consideration.

My wife does this all the time. Rather than her feeling guilty for screwing up, she'll rather make me feel guilty for making her feel bad. It's manipulation, surely?