How to stop the hurtful things said to me? And are they true

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Growing up and well into my adulthood, my mother always told me not to act like a ret*d, not to be a ret*d, to stop being a ret*d, that I was a little idiot and a little ret*d. Now, a bit of background: I was found to have extremely gifted intelligence after numerous rounds of formal testing at a Children's Hospital (they tested many things, not just intelligence. I have other, physical disabilities besides AS.). Yet my mother constantly attacked my intelligence, and still does.

Except, she doesn't call me ret*d anymore, not since my AS diagnosis in adulthood. But she does call me stupid on a regular basis. I thought mothers were all elated to have a gifted child--apparently not mine. She's called me ret*d, she's called me stupid, she's called me mentally disabled, but she has never once, called me gifted. Oh she'll say I'm smart, if pressed, but for some reason I can't define, being gifted comes across to me like it's taboo to her.

My mother retorted when I told her she always said I was ret*d: "I didn't say you were ret*d, I said stop ACTING ret*d."

Gee, Mom, I love you, too.

The effect of all this? I doubt my intelligence. Am I stupid? The one thing that made life worth living, having a fierce need to learn and grow, to be so smart as to be extremely gifted--I need to get over this crap.

Is my mother right? How do I get her to stop saying it? She's the sort to say "stop doing stupid things and I'll stop calling you that.")

Last edited by Miss Lizard on 03 Mar 2016, 4:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

Is your mother my mother?

For the fifth or so time: I don't understand the way some moms think...

(I hate the captchas on this forum.)

Something else my mother said to me recently that perplexes me. (And maybe if I was smart, it wouldn't.) She said that being smart was my downfall. She said I have many disabilities and if I wasn't half as smart as I am, I'd not care about it and be happy. (or something to that effect.)

What the hell is wrong with being extremely gifted and disabled at the same time? Jesus.

I've heard that being smart is my problem too. I usually hear that when I try and apply logic to illogical common sense things. I don't do that anymore though.

I can't imagine a mother saying hurtful things to their kid. I have four kids and I've made statements like "sometimes I don't think you have the sense God gave a goose" when they do something silly, but that's a regional saying meaning "that was a stupid thing to do" or even " you so crazy ha,ha". But I would never insult my child. If you're sure she's not saying it a different way, then I think you should tell her that it's hurtful and you wish she would stop saying it. I can't imagine ever doing something like that to hurt my kid. We all joke around a lot here but it goes both ways. We all joke on each other but we also know not to cross a line. It's possible to point out to your kid that something they do or say or think isn't all that smart or good for the without being hurtful. I hope your mom learns how to do that. And I'm the aspie here. Husband and kids are NT although I think my youngest son is slightly aspie too. But he's not interested in finding out.

Parents...

How often I've got the old "You're not stupid, so you should know better!" speech when I do something like I miss a hint or certain things don't cross my mind that apparently everyone should think of. I mean I suppose it's a more positive response than "you're a ret*d", but it still makes one think "but if I don't know better... then am I stupid...?".

Also, parents and logic just don't seem to mix in a manner that I would put down to some sort of natural balance of things. XD Every time I try to use logic in a situation, I'm wrong because social convention contradicts it.

But that's my experience. Don't take it to mean that I'm applying it to all parents or that I think I know what the most common behaviour is.

Last edited by Riik on 03 Mar 2016, 5:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

Aw Cmon Lizard!

It's obvious that those things your mother said aren't true!

You should know that in your heart!

My mother always says she would never eat with me in a fancy restaurant because of my "table manners."

Nobody else in my life ever complained about my "table manners."

It's just mothers being judgmental.

Well, actually I can because my mother was horrible but I wasn't thinking of my situation. I was thinking if good mothers and normal mothers, both of which I am. I meant I can't wrap my mind around why they would want to.

I don't mind laying on a little guilt now and then but nothing serious and nothing hurtful. I know my kids and they talk to me about everything. Then again, so do all their friends. I'm the go to cool, listening, helpful mom.

But I can't imagine saying it I guess. Or wanting to say it.

All my life I blamed my mother because she wouldn't let me get an education. She insisted I switch out of science classes into typing and bookkeeping. A thousand times she said, "If you can type, you'll always have a job." Nothing mattered but having a job and Mom was strong-willed. Every time I signed up for a class she arranged that I'd have to go back to a job. I blamed her for wrecking my life. Until now. Now I see that I have a decent pension because of those jobs. I understand that she was trying to save me and, in fact, she did. Sort of. She had only maternal instinct to guide her. I'm retired in a good place with sufficient money now. Today the kids have a much better chance.

Hi Miss Lizard, I had a relationship like this with my mom. She didn't call me stupid, but she called me lots of other names and would tell me how terrible I was any time I tried to do anything that would make me more independent. She told me I stabbed her in the back when I changed my major in college. Once she called me a psychopath, said she was so ashamed of me she couldn't talk about me to the rest of the family, and wished I was dead.

You can't please some people. People like her make themselves feel better by making other people feel bad, as though they feel big by making other people feel small. You can't stop her from saying hurtful things, but you don't have to stick around and listen to them. I finally told my Mom that if she wants me in her life, she's got to stop talking like this. She's gotten a lot better. I think it helps that she is in a better relationship--my dad was extremely toxic and made her miserable, and she took it out on me. Remember, this may not all be about you--she could be miserable and is taking out her unhappiness on you.

My therapist gave me this book, and it helped A LOT: Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, by Susan Forward.

You really can't get them to stop. All you can do is ignore it and show no reaction and not let them see you are hurt. Maybe they will get bored but then they might find another insult and say something worse. The only way I can find out of this is to move out and not see her again.

It is a form of child abuse to routinely/continuously put a child down by calling them "ret*d" and "stupid" whether the child has a low IQ score and a lot of cognitive and practical difficulties, or has a gifted IQ score and no cognitive difficulties or practical difficulties (or anything in between).

Whatever your mother's reasons for putting you down, they are a reflection of her problems and failings, not yours.