Imagine you find out when you're 80? Too late?

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I am very newly diagnosed (this week). I kind of expected it but it's still a huge thing.

I have a lot of 'coping skills' that account for me being able to hide my autism but the price is that I constantly feel upset (although don't lash out uncontrollably, at least not yet). I live on my own and that is why I am somehow managing, but I know it wouldn't last long.

My dad is 80 now, was diagnosed bipolar when he was 50 and went on disability benefit, but in spite of few stays in mental hospital and changing psychiatrists a few times to find the right one, nothing was ever able to help him. He is now almost constantly on sleeping tablets, also during the day, as otherwise he can't control the level of stress.

From how I remember him before things gone so bad, I am sure he has autism, and coped with it in similar way I did (and still do really): he could be very cheerful and chatty when in the company of a few people but it was kind of like watching a comedy show and he didn't get when people were getting tired of that. Then he would close himself in his room and didn't want to talk to his own family, if we tried to make contact with him, he would lash out. That was explained as stress, the same his oversensitivity to noise and he used to work in a noisy environment.
He is still, even now, obsessed with military ships and aircrafts, receiving his monthly military magazine is probably the only thing that can wake him up now.

There was a lot of grief on my side because of his behaviours and only now, when I realized I am on the spectrum and can imagine he was feeling the same way I do but had a family so couldn't even get his alone time and no one ever offer him proper support (when you hear 'go out and talk to people, you will feel better' from several people and then you do that but you feel worse as a result, how those that feel???) I am able to forgive him.

I spoke to my mum and she agreed that in fact he used to have the behaviours that I described as autistic. So now it comes the question: should we tell him? Is it going to bring him relief or more grief over lost years that he can't make up for now.

I live in the UK but I'm not a native English and where my family lives access to autism services and information will be probably even more limited.

What would you advise, especially those who were diagnosed quite late?

I think that at any age, realistic self-knowledge is a form of power and leads to greater self-empowerment.

Knowledge is power; the truth can very significantly set people free, though the way it is made known can be hostile (disempowering and destructive) or helpful (empowering and constructive). It concerns me that very few clinicians seem to have the warmth, compassion and respectful qualities (which psychologist and Aspergers specialist Tony Attwood has for example) toward autistic people, so the personality and personal attitudes of any diagnostician is a factor in the discovery process at any age.

Just throwing a diagnosis at someone from the very limited perspective of the very reductionist medical model of autism is a risk IMO because the medical model is grounded in the notion that there is only one “right” way to be, very much centred on the notion that human beings are factory standard models, and any difference is a defect that must be corrected or otherwise just tolerated/pitied etc as "defective inferiority". We need a human model of autism, rather than a reductionist medical one, and that would make diagnosis a far more beneficial process I think..

Just recently the BBC did an interview with a "late discovery" man in that age group, which AsPartOfMe posted in the activism forum. His late discovery was a liberating event, and so was my own.

I think about this a lot with people I know. There is someone in my family who fits your description (the OP) to a T. Except they are in their 60's not 80's, and they have no idea. They have a pretty terrible life with lots of bad coping mechanisms, and what not, but .......I have no idea how they would even deal with the idea of autism without significantly disrupting their life in a negative way.. I don't know. So I say nothing, but try to skirt around the topic... rather unsuccessfully. They in my case are VERY anti-autism and say quite terrible things about autistics. They are also very angry and unfulfilled so... I don't know. I think it can set people free, but some times maybe things aught to be laid to bed? I don't know- I'm not really in a position to answer, but I just wanted to mention that ... I can imagine it is hard to navigate.

Is that person a reader? Do you live in the same place?

If the answer is yes and yes, you could leave a copy of Tony Attwood's "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" lying around in an obvious place. I recognised that I was AS when reading it the first time, though my reason for reading it was only to find out more about AS so that I could better support an ASD/NT couple deal with conflict in a more constructive way!

Last edited by B19 on 11 Mar 2016, 2:49 am, edited 1 time in total.: inserted word

Thank you for your input guys.

It is a difficult situation as you said. My dad doesn't speak English so any books would have to be translated. I can check what's on offer, but a lot of them connect Asperger with social anxiety and he definitely doesn't have it.

The other problem is, he never was interested in psychology so he would probably refuse to read that. And as you know autistic people don't have great insight in themselves so even if he read it still probably wouldn't connect the dots.

For now I advised my mum to buy him military books once in a while. So far she was always annoyed by that as he only reads them once but never wants to get rid of any, he doesn't want one from the library as well, he has to have his own. The other problem was for her the money, even though they're doing ok my mum was convinced he should rather go to the theatre or on a tripas that's what makes people happy. That's how it is to be autistic in an NT world :-/

Thanks again it's nice to be able to at least talk about it.

I really wish they were! They actually suffered in school quite a lot so they basically "dropped out" around 3rd grade and were just pushed through the system. They graduated HS but have no interest in learning or education (very angry and unhappy) and dislike reading immensely..... EXCEPT for their special interest. They read nothing else- like literally nothing else if they can avoid it, which has results in terrible language skills and language comprehension and what not- compounding the problem.
Although, I love books- I might just leave that book out- I've read it cover to cover and quite liked it, so I might leave it around.
They don't acknowledge my autism either (say it is fake and I'm perfectly fine and NORMAL ((read: NT)) the way I am ).
However, I have an autistic friend so if they get suspicious then I can just say I read it to understand my friend more. They would believe that- because they can't accept any other idea of autism into their life.
for them ( and my whole family really) autism = broken, stupid, dumb, useless human being, and worthless. And maybe if they could squeeze an iota of empathy from their stony hearts it would be "oh poor head-banging non-verbal white boy aged 7 in an affluent family that is getting help covered by insurance- oh how sad and pitiful your existence is hope you get better you sub-human child."

okay... just made myself angry


OP, do you speak the same language as your dad? Could you translate? (sometimes due to life circumstances it language doesn't always travel down the line so). I mean it would be hard and stuff but if you like it or have a language special interest it might be helpful -??

On one forum I met a guy who'd been diagnosed in his 70s.

I didn't ask him about it, but I gathered he still benefited. Obviously you can't change the past, but even at that age, a diagnosis can provide insight and guide how to get proper care.

Also, specifically for older people, knowing about autism might be medically important. Strokes and certain kinds of dementia (such as frontotemporal dementia) can cause autistic behaviour, so knowing whether this behaviour is something new or something they've done all their life is important in diagnosing those conditions.

I'd be very cautious about suggesting this elderly parent seek an autism evaluation. Here's what I suggest. Be kind, thoughtful, caring, and supportive of his old age in general. You can also talk about your own diagnosis, and how autism runs in families, and you could ask if he thought any of his siblings, cousins, parents, etc. may have had it. If he wants to pursue it, it's up to him.

The daily life of a very elderly person is different, and your father may have neither the inclination nor the capacity to learn about a whole new world-view.